Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Friday, March 30, 2007
Humor - Fractured Similies
I don't know where these are originally from, or even from which side of the pond they originated. I have seen them mostly attributed to students' essays from the UK or the United States; but the cultural references are mixed, and by this point most of the lists seem to have adopted American spelling and phrasing. I seem also to remember a bad metaphor contest help at some point? Rest of the world gets off the hook ... this time!
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a reversing truck.
She was as easy as the Daily Mirror crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a reversing truck.
She was as easy as the Daily Mirror crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Animated Fun
(If any of the photos do not animate in this window, click on the image to view in a new Window.)
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Joke - Getting to Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Humor
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingy.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mg of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
I hope his family won't miss him.
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
Video - Spike Jones
Spike Jones was a band leader back in the 1930's through the 1950's. He had a good time with the music his band played and they had a pretty good audience. Enjoy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Joke - Hearing Problem
A man mentions to his doctor that his wife's hearing doesn't seem to be as good as it used to be, and asks what he should do. The doctor suggests a small test to confirm the amount of hearing loss: "Next time your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer and asking the question again until she hears you."
So the man goes home, and his wife is preparing dinner in the kitchen. Opportunity knocks: he stands in the hallway and asks, "What is for dinner, honey?" No answer. So he moves into the kitchen, just inside the door, and asks again. No answer. So he moves closer, almost to arm's length, and asks again: and still he gets no answer.
Finally, when he is standing directly behind her, he asks the same question a fourth time; and she answers: "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
So the man goes home, and his wife is preparing dinner in the kitchen. Opportunity knocks: he stands in the hallway and asks, "What is for dinner, honey?" No answer. So he moves into the kitchen, just inside the door, and asks again. No answer. So he moves closer, almost to arm's length, and asks again: and still he gets no answer.
Finally, when he is standing directly behind her, he asks the same question a fourth time; and she answers: "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
Fun Photos - Kids
"I'm sure gonna wet mywself when I'm done with this piece of fruit!" 
"Ouuta my way - unless you wanna rumble!"
"Thanks, bitch! Come back in five with a fresh beer and a dry diaper!"
"You've got to get a nap in between bouts of potty training!"
"Mom loves to watch me play with my favorite teething toy! I heard her say that some day soon it will help out on the food and diaper bills!"
Humor - Librarians
Murphy's Laws for School Librarians
· Six books on a topic + five classes = 2 to 1 odds on teachers assigning the same topic at the same time.
· Budget statements from the District Office are always inversely proportional to budget.
· If the system has been made foolproof, everybody will suddenly become a genius.
· When 60% of a book order is back-ordered, 90% of the back-orders will be out of print.
· A "missing" encyclopaedia will remain missing until its replacement arrives.
· Books will remain upright on the shelf until another book is placed beside them.
· Complete card catalogue or catalogue program revisions will come out the month after the existing version is updated.
· The student who has the most overdue books reads the least.
· The only copy of a library book recommended by a teacher to a student has already been checked out by that teacher, who has loaned it to a friend in Peru.
· Students always require a 400 word article for a 500 word essay.
· Changing librarians frequently allows blame to be placed upon the predecessor.
· If 17 subject headings are made for a book, it will require 18.
· If a teacher discusses a specific unit with the librarian in advance, the teacher will be absent on the days scheduled, the substitute cannot administer the unit, and the teacher will not be able to do the unit upon their return because of the need to make up for lost time.
· The one time of the month that the librarian takes five minutes to read MAD magazine is when the superintendent will walk in.
· Year-end reports should be prepared in September, before everything gets screwed up.
· If it is a good book, it is out of stock. If it is an excellent book, it is out of print.
· No matter how many books you have on a subject, the student will always think they are all "too big".
· The "super" syndrome: Libraries are always empty when the principal or superintendent comes to visit.
· The volunteer aide who files the worst is the one who volunteers the most.
· If the system works, someone somewhere is doing something wrong.
· When half the library budget is spent on a specific request by a teacher for a course, the teacher will quit or be transferred and the course dropped or changed.
· No matter how long an article or piece of information is kept, it will never be needed until it is thrown away.
· If one volume of a journal is lost, it will be the specific volume everyone requires.
· No books are ever lost except those most needed and most difficult to replace.
· The books needed most always come from the least reliable supplier.
· When re-cataloguing a book to correct an error, seven new problems are automatically created.
· The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
· If everything is fine, you are probably in the wrong library.
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
Posts
Sorry for the lack of posts the last few days - I've been under the weather. I hope to be back in a few days.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Humor - How Kids See Adult Conversation
From the Boing Boing blog.
Cory Doctorow: Simon Rich's "A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table" in this week's New Yorker is spot-on perfect and hilarious, besides:
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
Cory Doctorow: Simon Rich's "A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table" in this week's New Yorker is spot-on perfect and hilarious, besides:
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
Video - Dancing Outtakes
This guy traveled the world to make a video of himself dancing in nations most of us will never visit. I've linked to that video somewhere.
Click here to link to the outtakes video of Matt dancing.
Click here to link to the outtakes video of Matt dancing.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Joke - Omniscience
The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table is a large pile of apples, with a note that had been added by one of the nuns: Take Only ONE. God Is Watching.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Humor - On Dogs
Got a New Dog?
Be sure to train him correctly early on so that you can enjoy his presence for years to come. I had a good friend who used to breed Dobermans and she would tell tales of customers who bought the dogs, and thought they were cute as pups, having trouble in later years as the dogs grew to the size of a Volkswagen. In one instance, she spoke of letting the Doberman climb in their laps as a puppy - then trying to get him to stop as he grew to more than 100 pounds.
So here, for your reading pleasure - "Rules For the Dog!"
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially-built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we will sell the whole works and buy new furniture upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he is not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he has to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he is not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now sleeping. That is just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" ... even if it is true.
Video - The Making of a Model
Here's a great video demonstrating exactly how ordinary women are made up to look so glamerous. This video starts with a few morphs of actresses from Made-up to plain Jane, then show how transformations can be done in Photoshop.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Facts - The Mini-Skirt
THE MINI-SKIRT SAGA
Today, when practically anything goes in fashion, people have forgotten how revolutionary the mini-skirt was in its day. In the mid-'60s, when it caught on, it was more than a fashion-it was a philosophy, a political statement, a news event.
Here are some facts to remind you.
HISTORY. The mini-skirt was created by an English seamstress named Mary Quant. As a girl, Mary hated the straightlaced clothes grown-ups wore. So when she got older, she made unconventional clothes for herself. In 1955, she opened the world's first boutique in London, selling "wild and kinky" handmade clothes, like the ones she wore. She used bright colors, lots of plastic, and kept hemlines shorter than normal (though they weren't minis yet). Her fashions caught on with hip Londoners. They became known as "mod" (for modern) clothes, and Mary became a local celebrity.
In 1965, young girls in London were beginning to wear their dresses shorter than ever. Taking a cue from them, Quant began manufacturing skirts that were outrageously short for the time. She called them "mini-skirts." They took off like wildfire.
Later that year, respected French designer Andre Courreges brought the mini-skirt and go-go boots (his own creation) to the world of high fashion. This made the mini a "style" instead of a "fad" and inspired influential women-movie stars, models, heiresses-to shorten their skirts. But the largest American clothing manufacturers weren't sure whether to hop on the mini bandwagon until the day in 1965 that Jackie Kennedy appeared in public with a shortened hemline. After that, it was full speed ahead.
The mini fad lasted for less than a decade. But it permanently altered the concept of what was acceptable in women's attire, and helped break down traditional barriers for women in other areas of society.
The Meaning of the Mini-Skirt, Part I
In 1965, Mary Quant, creator of the mini-skirt, was asked to reveal the meaning of the mini-skirt. Her reply: "Sex."
The Meaning of the Mini-Skirt, Part II
"Without a doubt, the pill bred the mini, just as it bred the topless bathing suit by Rudi Gemreich in 1964- They were intended to prove that women were in control of their destiny and could choose whom they wished to mate with."
-In Fashion, by Prudence Glyn
THE MINI-SKIRT - INTERNATIONAL CONTROVERSY
Today, the mini-skirt is a fashion, not a political issue, but in the '60s, it was a major controversy. Here's how some people reacted:
• In the Vatican: Women in mini-skirts were not allowed to ente Vatican City.
• In the Malagasy Republic: An anti-mini-skirt law went into effect in 1967. Violators were subject to ten days in jail.
• In the Congo: In 1967 police arrested three hundred women wearing mini-skirts, which were banned.
• In Venezuela: Churches in Caracas put up signs telling people to give up their minis or "be condemned to hell."
• In Egypt: Women in minis were subject to a charge of indecent behavior. This law was passed because two women wore mini-skirt in the center of the city and caused a two-hour traffic jam.
• In Zambia: Gangs of youths roamed the streets assaulting girls in mini-skirts and forcibly lowering their hemlines. After a week, the war against mini-skirts was declared officially over when women went on television and said they "realized their mistake."
• In Greece: Anyone wearing a mini-skirt was jailed.
• In the Philippines: A congressman proposed that mini-skirts be banned. But the proposal was withdrawn when a congresswoman threatened to retaliate by outlawing elevator shoes.
• In Rio De Janeiro: In 1966, a sixty-three-year-old man on a bus was overcome when a young woman wearing a mini-skirt crossed her legs in the seat next to him. He bit her on the thigh and was sentenced to three days in jail.
• In the U.S.A.: Disneyland outlawed mini-skirts: the gatekeepers measured the distance from the woman's knee to her hemline and restricted her entrance until she ripped out the hem.
In most schools during the '60s, if the hem of a dress didn't touch the floor when a girl was kneeling, it was considered a mini, and the guilty party was sent home. "And don't come back until you look respectable, young lady."
Humor - Redneck
You might be a high-tech redneck if ...
Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop".
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
You have ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
You wire your network with jumper cables.
Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
You have ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver.
You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."
Your spellchecker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.
You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Smith & Wesson ... the original point 'n click interface.
When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yeah, thanks. It is my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."
When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
When you order your new pickup truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
You only buy from GateWay, because the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
Video - Granny Bike Ride
This video is short and funny - except it must be a put-on. Can't be too many people stupid enough to jump on a bike on a hill just above a mud pit believing that somehow they won't get muddy.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Jokes - 3 Dillies
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
---------------------
A description of the perfect morning: You sit down to breakfast and your girlfriend's picture is in Playboy, your son's picture is on the Wheaties box and your wife's picture is on the milk carton.
---------------------
Israeli police are conducting a house-to-house search for two men who pulled off a daring daylight train robbery. According to witnesses, the masked pair held passengers at gunpoint, then escaped with $7.50 in cash and $10,000,000 in pledges.
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
---------------------
A description of the perfect morning: You sit down to breakfast and your girlfriend's picture is in Playboy, your son's picture is on the Wheaties box and your wife's picture is on the milk carton.
---------------------
Israeli police are conducting a house-to-house search for two men who pulled off a daring daylight train robbery. According to witnesses, the masked pair held passengers at gunpoint, then escaped with $7.50 in cash and $10,000,000 in pledges.
Nicknames
NICKNAMES
Ripped from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Vol. 2
What would you call celebrities if you knew them personally? According to Carl Sifakis in The Dictionary of Historic Nicknames, you might know them by names like these:
Johann Sebastian Bach. In his lifetime, the great composer's music was considered so boring and out of date that even his own family called him "The Old Wig."
Humphrey Bogart. If you were a Hollywood acquaintance, you night have known him as "Whiskey Straight."
Claudette Colbert. The Oscar-winning actress worried so much about the way she looked during filming that her cameramen dubbed her "The Fretting Frog."
Christopher Columbus. Historians call him a great explorer, but his own crew wasn't so kind. When his quest for riches led them to insect-infested tropical islands instead of gold and silver, they christened him "The Admiral of the Mosquitoes."
Davy Crockett. No one who knew Davy believed a word of his outrageous stories about his exploits in the wild. Acquaintances called him "The Munchausen of the West" - a name inspired by Baron von Munchausen, the popular fictional character of the late 1700s, whose trademark was absurdly exaggerated claims about his own life.
Wyatt Earp and Bat Masterson. The heroes of Western legends and prime-time TV shows were apparently as interested in other pursuits as they were in law and order. On various occasions they owned saloons, gambling establishments, and even a brothel or two. In their home, Dodge City, Kansas, they were known as "The Fighting Pimps."
Dwight David Eisenhower. In his hometown of Abilene, Kansas, the other kids knew him as "Ugly Ike."
Billy Graham. In his early days, the famous crusading evangelist was known as "The Preaching Windmill" because of "his exuberant arm flailing."
Sam Houston. The most celebrated hero in Texas' fight for independence from Mexico during the 1830s is known today as "The Father of Texas." But Indians who knew him called him "Big Drunk."
Robert F. Kennedy. America remembers him as RFK, or Bobby. Lyndon Johnson always called him "The Little Shit."
Spiro T. Agnew. Nixon's vice president was known by adversaries as "Spiro T. Eggplant."
Abraham Lincoln. "Honest Abe's" nickname didn't come from politics - it came from his youthful efforts as "a judge and referee at cockfights."
Richard Nixon. Nicknames haven't been kind to the ex-prez. When he was in college, he was so humorless that classmates called him "Gloomy Gus." And he spent so much time studying that he was dubbed "Iron Butt." When he ran for Congress in 1950, he earned the title "Tricky Dick."
Leo Tolstoy. The author of War and Peace is considered one of the greatest novelists in history. But people who knew him as a child- even his own family and close friends-called the troubled youth "Crybaby Leo."
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. The famous French painter suffered through childhood accidents that gave him the appearance of a dwarf-but not in every way. When he lived in a brothel, the prostitutes, amused by the contrast in size between "his large male member" and the rest of his body, dubbed him "the Teapot."
Warren G. Harding. Probably should have been called "The Rodney Dangerfield of Politics," but in 1920 when he was elected president, Rodney wasn't around yet. Instead, he was called "Everybody's Second Choice," because he was nominated as a compromise candidate in a "smoke-filled room."
Monday, March 19, 2007
Joke - Raffle
The clothing-store owner became suspicious of one of his clerks when he discovered that the man lived in a penthouse and drove a Ferrari, on a salary of $90 a week. When confronted by his boss, the man explained that he was selling 2000 raffle tickets a week at one dollar apiece.
"What exactly are you raffling off?" the store owner asked.
"My pay check," the clerk answered.
"What exactly are you raffling off?" the store owner asked.
"My pay check," the clerk answered.
Fun Photos
The ever-popular wedgie - with a twist. She's already wearing a thong which, by definition, is a built-in wedgie. 
I worked with this girl all day and must tell you - she's got a terrible speech impediment.
It's rather sad when your employer has to trash you just before he fires you!
Looks like this fella is missing a few bones in his face. Oh, wait - that's a sandwich he's posing with! Ha ha!
Joke - The Boyfriend
"My God, Helen," Joyce exclaimed as she bumped into her old friend on the street, "you've lost so much weight, I almost didn't recognize you."
"It's my boyfriend," Helen sighed. "He insults me terribly and doesn't let me eat."
"For heaven's sake, why don't you dump him?"
"Oh, I'm going to-just as soon as I lose ten more pounds."
"It's my boyfriend," Helen sighed. "He insults me terribly and doesn't let me eat."
"For heaven's sake, why don't you dump him?"
"Oh, I'm going to-just as soon as I lose ten more pounds."
Video - Squirrels
Here's a funny video of a new device to help you keep squirrels off your bird-feeder.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Joke - Family Feud
A married couple was driving down the interstate when the wife said, "Herb, I want a divorce."
The husband said nothing but slowly increased his speed. "I've been having an affair with your best friend," she continued, "and he's a better lover than you are. I want the house, the kids, the car, the checking account and the credit cards. Is there anything you want?" she finally asked.
"No, I have everything I need."
"You do?"
Just before they hit a wall at 90 rnph, he replied, "Yep. I've got the air bag."
The husband said nothing but slowly increased his speed. "I've been having an affair with your best friend," she continued, "and he's a better lover than you are. I want the house, the kids, the car, the checking account and the credit cards. Is there anything you want?" she finally asked.
"No, I have everything I need."
"You do?"
Just before they hit a wall at 90 rnph, he replied, "Yep. I've got the air bag."
Joke - The First
As she prepared to get into bed with her date, the young woman burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl."
"I know, I know," he said soothingly.
"You're the first one," she whimpered.
"The first one to make love to you?"
"No," she replied. "The first one to believe me."
"I know, I know," he said soothingly.
"You're the first one," she whimpered.
"The first one to make love to you?"
"No," she replied. "The first one to believe me."
Joke - Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"
Video - Rachmaninov had big Hands
This is a funny video of a guy playing a tough piece on the piano.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Joke - Late Date
A young secretary was describing her date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."
"Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."
Joke - Finding Jesus
A drunk stumbled upon a baptismal service by the river. "Son, are you ready to find Jesus?" the cleric asked.
"Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't," the drunk replied.
The preacher dunked him again, for a bit longer. "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, not yet, Reverend."
The preacher held the man under for a full minute this time, then asked, "Have you found Jesus now?"
Gasping for air, the fellow blurted, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
"Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't," the drunk replied.
The preacher dunked him again, for a bit longer. "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, not yet, Reverend."
The preacher held the man under for a full minute this time, then asked, "Have you found Jesus now?"
Gasping for air, the fellow blurted, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Video - Bullshit
This is a clip from the Penn and Teller's Showtime series - Bullshit. In this video, they are conning folks about "bottled" waters. Pretty funny to watch the pretentious couple.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Joke - Stock Broker Dad
A young woman got a job working for a wealthy stockbroker. One day she came home from work crying. She told her mother, "I'm pregnant. And my boss is the father."
The next morning, the mother confronted the stockbroker. "You scum," she shouted. "You'd better not abandon my daughter."
The executive said, "Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy. She'll have the baby in the best hospital. I am arranging for a trust fund for her and the baby. She'll receive $2500 a week for the rest of her life."
The mother thought for a moment and said, "Tell me-God forbid, she should have a miscarriage: Will you give her another chance?"
The next morning, the mother confronted the stockbroker. "You scum," she shouted. "You'd better not abandon my daughter."
The executive said, "Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy. She'll have the baby in the best hospital. I am arranging for a trust fund for her and the baby. She'll receive $2500 a week for the rest of her life."
The mother thought for a moment and said, "Tell me-God forbid, she should have a miscarriage: Will you give her another chance?"
Joke - The Sisters
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought this joke would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought this joke would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!
Fun Photos - Kids
(Click any image to view larger)
Skateboarding is a fun activity to teach your children. I think his parents might want to offer him a helmet and pads, however. 
Like father like son!
Nothing like a relaxing hot-tub soak after a hard day of work!
Here's mud in your eye!
This kid had a frog in his throat - and here's the frog to prove it!Thursday, March 15, 2007
Humor - Movie Time
These Things Happen Only In Movies
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare (plus tip).
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. Unless it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any bulding in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will, more often then not, die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first the first try. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately squal with feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode in a blazing ball of fire instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, it's internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade. Any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any bulding is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes will always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficent to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than all 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in the room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie stars pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist on the man laying next to her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red hankerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
Fun Images - Girls
(Click any image to view larger)
If she'd eaten anything today, we'd be able to tell what it is! 
Nothing like a stogie after a good day of dumpster-diving.
(See also below.)
The girl in these two photos (above and below) is pretty flexible - she'd bend over backwards for you!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Humor - Retirement
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
My favorite one:
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
Joke - The Rivalry
The bitter rivalry between two single Yuppies for the sexual favors of beautiful women had been going on for years. One day, an angel appeared to one of them and said, "God has sent me to teach you a lesson. I will give you anything you ask for, but whatever you get, your neighbor will get twice as much. If you want wealth, you will be wealthy. But he will be twice as wealthy. If you want a big car, he will have one twice as big."
The young man grinned. "All right, then, give me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage license."
The young man grinned. "All right, then, give me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage license."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Joke - New Baby
With the miracle of fertility treatments , a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65. When she was discharged from hospital , her relatives came to visit.
"Can we see the baby?" they asked.
"Not yet, " said the 65 year old mother.
Twenty minutes later, they asked again.
"Can we see the baby?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
Another twenty minutes later, they asked again. "Can we see the baby?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
Growing very impatient, they said.
"Well, when can we see the baby then ?"
"When it cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "
"Because I forgot where I put it."
"Can we see the baby?" they asked.
"Not yet, " said the 65 year old mother.
Twenty minutes later, they asked again.
"Can we see the baby?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
Another twenty minutes later, they asked again. "Can we see the baby?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
Growing very impatient, they said.
"Well, when can we see the baby then ?"
"When it cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "
"Because I forgot where I put it."
Fun Photos
Pops really likes the young girls. 
Chad's disguise really helped him when he was holding up banks, although he did drop the money quite often.
"Help!" called the M&M Peanut candy.
I think this is a 15-yard penalty for holding.Joke - At the Club
Three women were enjoying cocktails on the patio of the local country club when a gust of wind blew open the door to the men's locker room, exposing a man wearing only a towel over his head and shoulders.
"Well," sighed the first after a thorough appraisal, "he isn't my husband."
"He isn't mine, either," added the second, her eyes squinting in concentration.
"Of course not, ladies," said the third. "He isn't even a member of the club."
"Well," sighed the first after a thorough appraisal, "he isn't my husband."
"He isn't mine, either," added the second, her eyes squinting in concentration.
"Of course not, ladies," said the third. "He isn't even a member of the club."
video - Moto, Moto, Moto!
This video features motorcycle tricks and crashes.
Moto, Moto, Moto! - The most amazing videos are a click away
Moto, Moto, Moto! - The most amazing videos are a click away
Monday, March 12, 2007
Joke - Yuppie Rivalry
The bitter rivalry between two single Yuppies for the sexual favors of beautiful women had been going on for years. One day, an angel appeared to one of them and said, "God has sent me to teach you a lesson. I will give you anything you ask for, but whatever you get, your neighbor will get twice as much. If you want wealth, you will be wealthy. But he will be twice as wealthy. If you want a big car, he will have one twice as big."
The young man grinned. "All right, then, give me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage license."
The young man grinned. "All right, then, give me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage license."
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Joke - Gifts
Competing for their mother's love, two brothers tried to outdo each other with birthday gifts for her. One bought his mother a Rolls-Royce. The other, trying to find something more imaginative, spent $100,000 on a rare mynah bird that quoted Shakespeare and sang opera.
A week after her birthday the sons called their mother and asked how she liked their gifts.
"The car is a dream," she said. "All my friends are extremely jealous. And the bird was nice too - just a little gamy."
A week after her birthday the sons called their mother and asked how she liked their gifts.
"The car is a dream," she said. "All my friends are extremely jealous. And the bird was nice too - just a little gamy."
Jokes - 3 Dillies
In life it's not who you know that's important; it's how your wife found out.
----------
Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" a suspicious wife asked her husband.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
----------
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He's not going to come anyway.
----------
Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" a suspicious wife asked her husband.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
----------
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He's not going to come anyway.
Video - Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Governator in his heydey - posing off in bodybuilding contests.
Arnold Schwarzenegger The Best Bodybuilder Ever - The most amazing bloopers are here
Arnold Schwarzenegger The Best Bodybuilder Ever - The most amazing bloopers are here
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Humor - Oldies But Goodies
Songs from the Aging Rockers!
From the J-Walk Blog
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
The Angels - My Boyfriend's Dead
The Outsiders - Time Won't Let Me Do Anything
The Box Tops - Bend Me, Shake Me Out Of My Coma
Pete Seeger - This Land Is Your Land, Thanks to My Will
Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Cleaner
Betty Everett - The Droop Droop Song
The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Feeling In Your Left Leg
Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling Down The Stairs and Breaking My Hip
Nancy Sinatra - These Slippers Are Made For Keeping My Feet Warm When The House Gets a Little Chilly
Funny Images - Girls
She could jump up and down to get into those jeans, but then there's be a huge bulge just above the waist line. 
That's one hot motorcycle mama! I just hope that's a 1200 cc bike, or she's not going far.
This girl must be from Wisconsin.
Peek-a-boo!Joke - Insomnia
A man went to a doctor and complained of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and found nothing physically wrong with him.
"Listen," the doctor said, "if you expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
"Listen," the doctor said, "if you expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
Friday, March 09, 2007
Video - Breathing
You've got to check out the funny aerobic exercise this TV host is doing. Pretty short video and worth the look.
Joke - Severance Pay
A machine operator came home from the factory and told his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got $25,000 in severance pay!"
"You got $25,000 in severance pay?" she said. "That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"
"Well," he replied, "wait till you hear what was severed."
"You got $25,000 in severance pay?" she said. "That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"
"Well," he replied, "wait till you hear what was severed."
Video - Bicycle Nomad
I guess the funny part of this video is that the guy is doing this stupid trick for so long dressed in Arab garb.
Did You Know - Yogi Berra
Gems from Yogi Berra, Hll of Fame catcher for the New York Yankees, and famous for his malapropisms.
(from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, Vol.2)
"It's deja vu all over again."
[Explaining a loss]
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"The game's not over 'til it's over."
"You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left."
[On quotes like these]
"I really didn't say everything I said."
[Asked why he hadn't been to a favorite restauarant lately]
"It's so crowded, nobody goes there anymore."
"If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."
[On being honored with a "Yogi Berra Night"]
"I want to thank all you people for making this night necessary."
[Asked, during spring training, what his hat size was]
"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"We have deep depth."
[On seeing a Steve McQueen movie]
"He must have made that before he died."
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats.. .After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
[On meeting King George IV] "Nice to meet you, King."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."
"It gets late early out there."
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Joke - In a Bar
One evening a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead, since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead, since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
Fun Photos
(Click any image to view larger.)
What can be said about this image? It's great all by itself.
If only life were this simple, tomorrow I'd be atop Mount Kilimanjaro.
Teach 'em to eat their pets when they're young.
Looks like somebody in this photo (hand only) is going bowling!
This technique is particularly useful if you're - nope, I can't think of a single reason to ever do this.Joke - New Doctor
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you care?"
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you care?"
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Jokes - 3 Dillies
Can I have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?" a boy asked his Irish grandfather.
"Here's a 10," said the grandfather. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead."
----------
A 97-year-old prostitute got herself listed in the yellow pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book.
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Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
"Here's a 10," said the grandfather. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead."
----------
A 97-year-old prostitute got herself listed in the yellow pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book.
----------
Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Fun Photos - Women
Guys, you may want to date a ballerina - they'll bend over backwards for you. 
Now here's a babe who not only knows what state she's from, she can bake a cake in that shape. I'll let you look at a map and figure out which one. Probably some place in the south?
Someone's been having fun with photoshop - this is probably his ex.
Same guy working Photoshop as above - this time it's of the babe who refused to date him at all. Very vindictive fella.
Very spooky image - check out the picture in the paper - in the paper - paper! (Is there an echo in here?)Humor - Womanly Advantage
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival The Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Live Camera Feed - Cheese
Are you really, really, really bored? Here's a link to a live cam website - you can watch cheddar cheese as it ages. Oh my God - the excitement! You may want to check back often.
Link.
Link.
Video - Funny Commercials
This is a complete TV show - the video runs about 46 minutes - The World's Funniest Commercials. Click the play button (small triangle, lower left of image) to start.
Video - Crazy Women Drivers
Two women go ballistic on one another in the parking lot. Pretty funny video. Click the play button (little triangle) twice to fire it up.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Joke Time - 3 Dillies
What do you call an evangelical church leader who uses speed?
A Crystal Methodist.
----------
How many Country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw the new one in and three to sing about the old one.
----------
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the minister's sermon, the old lady leaned over and said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A Crystal Methodist.
----------
How many Country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw the new one in and three to sing about the old one.
----------
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the minister's sermon, the old lady leaned over and said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Her husband replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Facts - Rock and Roll Lawsuits
ROCK ME, SUE ME
(from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, Vol. 2)
It's not all peace and love in the rock V roll world. It's big bucks,,. and as the stakes get higher, the lawsuits get bigger. Here are a few...
GHOSTBUSTERS The "Ghostbusters" theme song, by Ray Parker, Jr. sounded a lot like Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug." And sure enough, it turns out that the film's producers originally wanted Lewis, himself, to pen their theme song. When he refused, they hired Parker and requested something similar to Lewis's hit. Lewis sued for copyright infringement, and the case was settled out of court.
HEY, HEY, HEY
The Beatles' version of "Kansas City" was written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller-or at least that's the way the song was credited when it came out in 1964- But it turned out the Beatles had recorded a medley of "Kansas City" and "Hey, Hey, Hey," a Little Richard composition that originally appeared on the B-side of his 1956 hit "Good Golly Miss Molly." It took Little Richard about 20 years to figure out what had happened, but when he did-and took it to court-it paid off in big numbers: $500,000.
MY SWEET LORD
George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" casually borrowed the melody of the Chiffons' 1963 hit "He's So Fine," written by Ronald Mack. One strange aspect of the case: Ronald Mack was dead by the time his estate pressed charges and won. Another: Although Harrison had to pay, he was absolved of plagiarism. It was, according to the judge, "unconscious plagiarism."
STAIRWAY TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
Led Zeppelin, the biggest-selling band of the 1970s, were known among music experts for stealing songs from old blues artists and then crediting themselves. Their first hit, "Whole Lotta Love," was virtually a note-for-note recreation of Willie Dixon's "I Need Love." And "How Much More" was a direct lift of Howling Wolfs "Killing Floor." But when someone messed with one of their tunes, it was time for legal action. A San Francisco-based band called Roger and The Goosebumps recorded a hilarious parody of the group's "Stairway to Heaven," matching Zep's melody with the lyrics of the theme song to "Gilligan's Island." Led Zepplin quickly had its lawyers block the song's release."It was a real blow," said one of the Goosebumps later. "We were getting airplay all over the country.--I think we had a hit on our hands." Later, the same band did an equally funny takeoff of the Beatles' "Fool on the Hill," called "Fudd on the Hill," sung in an Elmer Fudd voice. Thankfully, the Beatles didn't sue.
SURFIN' USA
The Beach Boys' big hit of 1963 sounded vaguely familiar to Chuck Berry.. .and it should have; he wrote the melody. Brian Wilson had appropriated it from Berry's 1958 tune, "Sweet Little Sixteen." Berry's publisher sued on his behalf, and won. The result: Berry owns 100% of the rights to both his own tune and Wilson's.
OLD MAN DOWN THE ROAD
The strangest case of an artist being sued for copyright infringement must be the one involvng John Fogerty's 1984 comeback hit, "The Old Man Down The Road." He was sued for copying himself. The story: "Old Man Down the Road" bore more than a little re-semblence to "Run Through the Jungle," a tune Fogarty had previously written and recorded with Creedence Clearwacet Revival, The problem: Fogarty no longer owned the rights to his original song, and there was bad blood between him and Saul Zaentz, the man who did. Zaentz owned Fantasy Records, the label Cteedence Clearwater Revival had recorded on. He and Fogerty had been embroiled in a long, bitter lawsuit over royalties that Creedence said were still owed to them. And when Fogerty included a tune on his solo album (the same one with "Old Man" on it) called "Zaentz Can't Dance," Saul sued him for defamation of character. Fogerty had to change it to "Vanz Can't Dance." The highlight of the "Old Man" case was Fogerty's appearance in court, where he demonstrated to the jury how he composes tunes. They must have enjoyed it; he won.
Video Links
As I mentioned yesterday, I've run across a bunch of really good videos - below are both embedded and linked videos for your viewing pleasure.
1. In this first video, a 6-year-old boy plays guitar and sings on the Ellen Show.
Amazing 6 Year Old Guitarist
2. This video is a compilation of funny animal videos - animals acting like - well - animals.
Funny Animals
3. Click on "Link" below to link to a very interesting video of a guy who's developing a "personal jet." Watch the guy jet all over without a plane.
Link
4. Watch this video of people taking spills, falls, etc. If you watch videos, you've seen some like this before - this one's pretty funny too.
Huge Ownage Compilation
1. In this first video, a 6-year-old boy plays guitar and sings on the Ellen Show.
Amazing 6 Year Old Guitarist
2. This video is a compilation of funny animal videos - animals acting like - well - animals.
Funny Animals
3. Click on "Link" below to link to a very interesting video of a guy who's developing a "personal jet." Watch the guy jet all over without a plane.
Link
4. Watch this video of people taking spills, falls, etc. If you watch videos, you've seen some like this before - this one's pretty funny too.
Huge Ownage Compilation
Monday, March 05, 2007
Videos - Four for the Road
I've got a bunch of videos backed up for posting - so here's a plateful.
This first video is of an Audi driver having fun in a roundabout (traffic circle.).
This second video is of a police officer who seems to be a little psychic.
This third video is of a moose that has wandered into someone's backyard and decides that he's like to play some soccer.
This last video is of a drunk squirrel.
Joke - Lawyer
A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop the car. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.
"Come along with me then," the lawyer said.
"But, sir," the man said. "I have a wife and two children."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
The family climbed into the limousine. The poor man said, "Sir, you are extremely kind. Thank you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem. My grass at home is almost two inches tall."
"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.
"Come along with me then," the lawyer said.
"But, sir," the man said. "I have a wife and two children."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
The family climbed into the limousine. The poor man said, "Sir, you are extremely kind. Thank you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem. My grass at home is almost two inches tall."
video - Bud Light Ad
Click the image below to link to a pretty funny Bud Light ad, one I'd not seen before.
Joke - Honey Do List
A wife interrupted her husband while he was watching TV. "Honey, could you please fix the light in the hallway?" she asked.
He gave her an angry look and said, "Now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? No way."
"Well, then, could you fix the refrigerator door?" she asked. "It doesn't shut properly."
"Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?" he asked. "I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar."
After a couple of hours, he returned home to find the hall light was working and the refrigerator door repaired. "Honey, how did you get these fixed?" he asked.
"Well, after you left, I sat outside and cried," she said. "Then a nice young man walked by and offered to do all the repairs if I would have sex with him or bake him a cake."
Surprised, the husband exclaimed, "So you made him the cake, right?"
His wife replied, "Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?"
He gave her an angry look and said, "Now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? No way."
"Well, then, could you fix the refrigerator door?" she asked. "It doesn't shut properly."
"Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?" he asked. "I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar."
After a couple of hours, he returned home to find the hall light was working and the refrigerator door repaired. "Honey, how did you get these fixed?" he asked.
"Well, after you left, I sat outside and cried," she said. "Then a nice young man walked by and offered to do all the repairs if I would have sex with him or bake him a cake."
Surprised, the husband exclaimed, "So you made him the cake, right?"
His wife replied, "Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?"
Video - Car Jump
If you've got 4 or 5 minutes to kill, here's a link (click on the image below) to a video of a guy attempting to jump his car over the Saint Lawrence River back in the 1970's.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Joke - Husbands
As a waitress was taking a couple's order, she noticed that the man was slowly sliding under the table. The woman didn't seem to notice. When she finished taking the order, the waitress asked, "Pardon me, madam. Is everything OK? Your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly replied, "No he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked through the front door."
The woman calmly replied, "No he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked through the front door."
Fun Photos
Love is finding someone who shares the same interests, even if he is a little plastic. 
And love is finding someone who makes your boat float.
Love is someone who will get on his knees just for the chance to hug and kiss you. 
Lust means decorating yourself with whipped cream and cherries in hopes that she'll lick it all off. 
It's a lot more fun to bully if you're the tough guy.Humor - Upstate NY
The following are allegedly from Jeff Foxworthy - "How To Tell If You're From Upstate New York."
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate, NY.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Upstate NY.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in
Upstate New York.
If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed !
You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly ."
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all of your Upstate New York friends and relatives, and to those who used to live here and left. --(chickens!)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate, NY.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Upstate NY.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in
Upstate New York.
If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed !
You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly ."
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all of your Upstate New York friends and relatives, and to those who used to live here and left. --(chickens!)
Video - Simpsons Voice Actors
This video features the voice actors from The Simpsons - a funny little sketch.
The Simpsons Voice Actors - More amazing videos are a click away
The Simpsons Voice Actors - More amazing videos are a click away
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Humor - Blonde Quiz
The Inner Blonde Quiz
Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
--------------------------------------------
1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?
8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
--------------------------------------------
The answers are below - all in the same color type as the background. Using your mouse, click and drag your cursor across this area - the answers will show up in contrasting colors.
ANSWERS :
1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5. 9 live sheep.
6. The match.
7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10. YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde
ANSWERS :
1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5. 9 live sheep.
6. The match.
7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10. YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde
Joke - Pillsbury Dough Boy
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 51.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one bun in the oven. He is also survived by his Elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one bun in the oven. He is also survived by his Elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Video - Crash and Burn
Click on the play button on the video below to watch some terrible, yet funny, crashes. Some of these must have had pretty serious consequences.
Stunts And Other Things Goes Wrong - Funny bloopers R us
Stunts And Other Things Goes Wrong - Funny bloopers R us
Friday, March 02, 2007
Shockwave Slide Show
Click "Link" below to download a Shockwave Flash slide show (with musical background) of some photos taken from a hot air balloon floating over the state of Oregon.
Did You Know - Spiro Agnew
THE TRUTH ABOUT SPIRO T. AGNEW
(from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, Vol. 2)
You'd think that if a Vice President of the U. S. was accused of taking bribes-and had to resign because of it-we'd ail remember the incident in detail. That's not the case with Spiro Agnew; his resignation in 1973 was quickly overshadowed by Watergate. But hey - let's not forget the guy.
AGNEW'S CAREER
• In 1962, he ran for Baltimore County Executive. He was elected, and served until 1966.
• In 1966, he ran for governor of Maryland as a Republican. As it happened, the Democrats nominated a reactionary who stood no chance of being elected. Agnew won.
• In 1968, ghetto riots hit Baltimore. "Agnew met with the leaders of the state's black moderates," reported Time magazine, "and before the TV cameras, dressed them down for not controlling the rioters. The incident established Agnew as a hard-liner on race and caught the eye of Richard Nixon." The result: Nixon picked him as his running mate.
• In 1969, Agnew emerged, said U.S. News & Wcrrtd Report, as "one of the most controversial Vice Presidents the United States has seen in many a day." He was a strident moralist and a "law and order" man whose trademark was violent verbal attacks. His speeches were peppered with phrases like "parasites of passion," and "nattering nabobs of negativism."
• He was reelected with Nixon in 1972, and looked like the heir apparent to the Presidency. Then it all collapsed. In 1973, the Wall Street Journal learned that Agnew was under investigation in Maryland for having taken kickbacks from building contractors while he was both county executive and governor.
• On Oct. 10,1973, after months of negotiating, Agnew resigned. He appeared in court and pled "No Contest" to income tax evasion-which the judge pointed out was equivalent to a guilty plea. It was part of an extensive plea-bargaining process that enabled him to avoid jail. The Government insisted, however, that they be allowed to make their case aginst him public.
THE GOVERNMENT'S EVIDENCE
One of several contractors who admitted paying bribes to Agnew was named Lester Matz. Here's a part of the government's report on one of the incidents he recaled. It took place in 1969, a few months after Agnew had become V.P.: "Matz called the Vice President's office in Washington and set up an appointment to meet with Mr. Agnew. On a piece of yellow legal-sized paper, Matz calculated the sum then 'owed' to Mr. Agnew for work received by Matz's company from the State of Maryland. He met with Mr. Agnew, showed him the calculations, and briefly reviewed them for him. He then handed him an enveloped containing approximately $10,000 in cash....Mr. Agnew placed this envelope in his desk drawer.
"Matz also told the Vice President that the company might 'owe' him more money in the future... .They agreed that Matz was to call Mr. Agnew's secretary when he was ready to make the next payment and to tell her that he had more 'information' for Mr. Agnew. This was to be a signal to Mr. Agnew that Mr. Matz had more money for him.
"After this meeting, Matz returned to Baltimore and told [an associate] of the payment. He also told [him] that he was shaken by his own actions, because he had just made a payoff to the Vice President of the United States."
AGNEW'S STATEMENT IN COURT
In a cleverly worded statement, Agnew made it seem as though he was denying the charges against him. For example: The government said he took kickbacks. As Agnew explained it: "I admit that I did receive payments during the year 1967 which were not expended for political purposes, and...that contracts were awarded by State agencies in 1967 and other years to those who made such payments, and that I was aware of such awards.... I stress, however, that no contracts were awarded to contractors who were not competent to perform the work, and in most instances State contracts were awarded without...payment of money by the contractor."
Careful reading of the text, however, shows that he was really saying something like: "Sure I took money, but not all the time, and only from good contractors."
Fun Photos
I think this kid's parents may need to call Dr. Phil. There are some real issues going on here.
No, honey, they're laughing at you, not with you!
This is pretty incredible sidewalk art - all done in chalk. The guy crouching near the top is real.
The most amazing thing about this image is that nobody anywhere around them is paying them any attention. Imagine what must be going outside the frame of this photo!Humor - Computer Lingo
Life before the computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Video - Kite Flying
Click "Link" below to link to a great video ( a little long at nearly 5 minutes) of a guy flying multiple kites. Very fascinating and the musical background makes it very relaxing to watch.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Joke - Mafia Don
As he lies dying, an old Italian mafia don calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson," he says, "I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"Buta grandpa," protests the boy, "I really don't like guns. How about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me," says the don. "Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then ... pointa your watch and say, 'Time's up'?"
"Buta grandpa," protests the boy, "I really don't like guns. How about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me," says the don. "Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then ... pointa your watch and say, 'Time's up'?"
Joke - Father Patrick
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
PowerPoint Slide Show - Snow and Ice
Click "Link" below to watch a PowerPoint slide show of photos of snow and ice with some music in the background.
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