Monday, December 31, 2007
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
They listened as the alligator sang:
Are you ready for this?
".....Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
Saturday, December 29, 2007
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learners
- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot,
- Who were the beta testers for Preparations
A through G?
- 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- White water is over when the First Lady sings.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ....or something like
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence, but a few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side! He made sure he listened to her prayers every night.
Sure enough, several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it -- I've just spent the worst day of my life."
"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. "You'll never believe what happened to me: This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're even more amazed. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
DES MOINES, Iowa — It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
“It wasn’t good, I’ll tell you what,” Schoff said Tuesday. “It was the worst Christmas Eve I’ve ever had.”
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog, but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
“I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn’t get him out,” Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff’s deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
“I thought it was the end of my life,” Schoff said.
“Thank God my wife saw me. I don’t think I could have stood staying in there much more.”
She had an idea how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler, Marcy, she would do it. Anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy.
She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week. Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
"Well, who is she?"
"Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much. And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Monday, December 24, 2007
Click here to watch a Shockwave Flash video of Santa and his reindeer singing “White Christmas.”
Click here to watch a video Christmas card of some dogs and other animals with Frosty the Snowman. Not the best of these things I've posted. SWF file.
Click here for a video Christmas card of The Twelve Days of Christmas. SWF file.
Click here for an inter-active Christmas card. Click on various items to get some action going. SWF file.
Click here for an inter-active Christmas greeting. Click on each of the reindeer to get the whole effect – click on Santa or any of the reindeer to shut them back down. SWF file.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."