Swedish Chef - Hot and Spicy

From the old Muppet Show - the Swedish Chef likes his food hot and spciy.

Video - Superman Called

Superman gets called out of class...

Joke - Enjoy It All

Tired of their lack of spending money, the redneck brothers decided to find work. At the end of their first day of work, they had earned a total of three dollars. After they had spent hours considering ways to enjoy their fortune, the older brother decided to take the cash and go shopping. When he returned, he proudly displayed a box of tampons.

"Gillie," the younger brother asked in exasperation, "what in blazes are we supposed to do with that?"

"Look at the box, Buford." his brother replied. "It says right here you can go swimming, sailing, and horseback riding. . . ."

Equipment Replacement

When the military equipment fails, remember - humans are expendable.

Beer Makes Me Smile

And I love it when the beer smiles back...

Boneless Chicken

Cute, but very pricey.

Tree Bite

Thank goodness that tree chose to take a bit out of the pipe and not some kids leg. You know kids like to climb trees. And what's this with trees wearing lipstick now?

Joke - Golf

"Do you expect me to believe that you were playing golf from seven in the morning until seven at night?" the wife asked her husband. "You should have been home by three."

"Now, let me explain, Carol," Harry replied. "I got up at dawn and picked Ted up at six A.M., but on the way to the course, I had a flat tire. I didn't have a spare, so I had to walk a couple of miles to the service station. By the time I got back to the car, it was after nine. Then we ran out of gas, and that cost an hour. We didn't tee off 'till eleven."

"You still should have been home by three."

"I'm not finished," Harry explained. "Everything was fine for the first two holes, but then Fred had a heart attack. I ran to the clubhouse to find a doctor but had no luck. By the time I got back, Fred was dead. So for the next sixteen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred. . . ."

Video - Oil of Olay

Funny ad - takes place at the massage parlor.

Joke - Time to Divorce

Mrs. Goldstein walked into an attorney's office and told him she wanted to divorce her husband of 58 years.

"Mrs. Goldstein, fifty-tight years is a long time," the lawyer said. "Do you have grounds?"

"Grounds? No grounds. We live in a condominium. We got no grounds."

"No, no. What I mean is, do you nave cause.'" the lawyer asked. "For example, docs he beat you up?"

"What beat me up? I'm up by seven. The bum is still asleep."

"1 mean," the lawyer tried, "is there a special reason to want a divorce now? Do you have a grudge?"

"Sure, we got a grudge. It's robbery what they charge lo park in the grudge."

"Mrs. Goldstein," the exasperated lawyer said, "I have to know why you want a divorce."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Mrs. Goldstein scoffed. "I want the divorce because I'm sick to death of Mr. Goldstein telling me we can't communicate."

Signs of the Times

Jokes - Q and A

Q: What does a blonde Owl say?

A: What, what?
----------

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?



(scroll down for answer)



A: A pool table!

Video - Eddie Murph as James Brown

In light of James Brown's recent passing, here's another video of Eddie Murphy doing a James Brown impersonation. This time it's a sketch from Saturday Night live involving a hot tub.

Humor - Christmas Carols

Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock.

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...).

Video - Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy does some funny James Brown Schtick. Please note - there is very storng adult language in this video.

Humor - Procrastinate

The Procrastinator's Creed

· I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

· I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

· I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

· I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from having missed them.

· I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

· I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

· If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

· I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

· I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

· I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

· Have a great Monday ... or just put it off until Tuesday!

Cartoons - Assorted

Joke - In the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Video - DMV Prank

Some guys have fun at the DMV by trying to get away with as many stupid photos for drivers' licenses as they can. What amazes me - how are they getting so many licenses? What are they using for proof of identity? Here in New York State I don't think you could pull this off.

Humor - Clean the Toilet

How to thoroughly clean the toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

What the ...?

Now, I have no explanation for this - it is just plain funny photoshopping.

Bird Flu In Orlando

Could it be? Has the bird flu reared it's ugle head in Orland, Florida? And why, oh why, did it have to start here? Why not with those stupid crows, Heckle and Jeckle? Oh woe is us - who will be next - Big Bird?

Artsy-Farsty Melon

I am a very practical sort of guy - not one iota of creativity in my whole body. More of a math and science kind of thing going on with me. So, there are some things I see in this world that I don't comprehend. Like, why would anyone waste their time doing THIS....

Video - Siskel and Ebbert

Siskel and Ebbert of the famous Movie-Review TV show bicker while doing a promo. Pretty interesting to see how much these two guys really don't like each other.

Joke - Omniscience

Omniscience

The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table is a large pile of apples, with a note that had been added by one of the nuns: Take Only ONE. God Is Watching.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Cartoons - Computers

Video - 911 Call

This video is REALLY funny. A lady calls 911 when the mailman stops breathing.

Video - Practical Joke

The language is German, but the video is "practical joke" as a hiking path is converted into a swimming pool. Watch all the suckers walk, run and ride into the unseens water.

Humor - Rules for the Dog

The rules for the dog

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially-built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we will sell the whole works and buy new furniture upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he is not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he has to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he is not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now sleeping. That is just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" ... even if it is true.

Signs

Humor - High-Tech Redneck

You might be a high-tech redneck if ...

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".

If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop".

Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson".

You have ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

You wire your network with jumper cables.

Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

You have ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".

Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver.

You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

Your spellchecker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.

You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Smith & Wesson ... the original point 'n click interface.

When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yeah, thanks. It is my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

When you order your new pickup truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.

Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

You only buy from GateWay, because the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

Cartoons

Humor - Inner Blond Test

Inner Blonde Quiz

Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
--------------------------------------------

1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?

3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?

4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
--------------------------------------------

ANSWERS :

1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5. 9 live sheep.

6. The match.

7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10. YOU are the driver.


Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde

Video - Powerful Engine

Here's a funny little video of a powerful car and a beautiful model.

Video - Triumph at the Grammys

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sings and insults at the Grammy Awards from a few years back.

Humor - Inspiration

Inspirational Posters for Work

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Photo - Dog the Next Day

Oh, the next day can be awful. Be careful how much you imbibe on New Year's Eve, or this is how you'll look on New Year's Day.

Photo - Customs Inspector

"Look, Bob! I think Fido has found something suspicious!"

Photo - House Dog

Some dogs just need to be kept out of the wind.

Photo - Dildo Dog

Looks like the doggie found a rubber "bone" to play with. Be careful what you leave lying about when there's a dog in the house.

Photo - It's Everywhere

It's true - men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. No matter which animal kingdom it is, you get "hounded."

Joke Time - 2 Dillies

What do you call an eye doctor from the Bering Sea?

An optical Aleutian.
-----

What's a lawyer's ideal weight?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Video - Police Chase

Another of the in-car videos of police chasing down a bad guy. This time the bad guy is a killer and the chase is violent.

Video - DVD Piracy

An interesting video on who's getting burned when people steal videos. Adult language.

Chestnuts Roasting?

The Annual International Chess Championship was being held in St Paul Minnesota at the beautiful St Paul Hotel.

The first night there was a reception in the lobby with platters of hors devours and champagne flowing freely.

Soon the guests started get tipsy and loud. Chekov stated "Well when I won the Moscow Invitational I defeated my opponent in 26 moves."

Not to be outdone, Chermarski stated loudly, "When I won the San Francisco Invitational, I won in 18 moves."

Finally Fischer loudly said, “That’s child’s play, when I won the New York championship, I won in exactly in 7 moves, which is why I am the grand champion."

All of a sudden the manager barges in and says, "I'll have to ask all of you gentlemen to leave immediately."

Stunned they asked him why. He replied, "We do not allow chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Christmas Fun Stuff

(click any image for a larger view)

Chirstmas Letter from Santa

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

More Cats and Kittens