Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Jokes - 3 Dillies
Q. What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
--------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
--------------------
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
--------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
--------------------
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Joke - Jewish Actor
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful,” says his mother, “What part is it?”
The boy says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!”
The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”
“Wonderful,” says his mother, “What part is it?”
The boy says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!”
The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”
Friday, July 27, 2007
Humor - Retired Husband
Beware The Retired Husband
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, and Mrs. Fenton invites her husband to go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. The complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the Auto Department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least .
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, and Mrs. Fenton invites her husband to go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. The complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the Auto Department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least .
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Joke - The Fortune Teller
After escaping from her overly controlling husband for the evening, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Jennifer, who was visibly shaken at the news.
Jennifer stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Jennifer, who was visibly shaken at the news.
Jennifer stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
Video - News Show Laughter
Two local news anchors have a good laugh over the misfortune of a runway model.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Joke - Lancelot's Girl
One night, Guinevere and Lancelot had a huge argument. Eventually, they reached an impasse. Guinevere told Lancelot that she never wanted to see him again.
Heartbroken, Lancelot headed to the local tavern. Eventually, Guinever calmed down. She went out to find him. Spotting Lancelot’s horse outside the tavern, she went inside.
A man who was leaving recognized her. He asked, “What’s a knight’s girl like you doing in a place like this?”
Heartbroken, Lancelot headed to the local tavern. Eventually, Guinever calmed down. She went out to find him. Spotting Lancelot’s horse outside the tavern, she went inside.
A man who was leaving recognized her. He asked, “What’s a knight’s girl like you doing in a place like this?”
Monday, July 23, 2007
Joke - Shopping in London
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44.00 ."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of It dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first, she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be 58 pounds and 50 pence please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.00 ? How did you get it to £58.50 ?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel is £44.00, but the Duck Caller is £11.00 and the Fish Bait is £3.50 !!"
She says, "Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44.00 ."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of It dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first, she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be 58 pounds and 50 pence please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.00 ? How did you get it to £58.50 ?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel is £44.00, but the Duck Caller is £11.00 and the Fish Bait is £3.50 !!"
Video - Welcome Back, Potter
A barely humorous video of Harry Potter characters in a Welcome Back Kotter sketch. This is going to amuse mostly those of you old enough to remember Kotter.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Joke - Mensa Minds
All members of Mensa have IQs of at least 140.
At one Mensa convention, several members at a local café noticed their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was a perfect Mensa challenge!
They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."
"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
At one Mensa convention, several members at a local café noticed their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was a perfect Mensa challenge!
They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."
"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
My Absence
Sorry to be gone for a few days - it's summer and there's a lot more going on around here. Company, gardening, golf, and, oh yes, I spent all day yesterday reading the new Harry Potter book. Not a disappointment. I hope you're all well.
Video - Country Dance Contortionists
May I present the mysterious Ross Sisters - Aggie, Maggie and Elmira - in footage from the 1944 MGM musical Broadway Rhythm. As it was described on Metafilter, it's Hee-Haw meets Cirque du Soleil! Stay tuned for their amazing triple cartwheel finale - Never before has the human body been twisted into such extraordinary positions in service to the American Potato Salad Industry.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Joke - Accident
I rear-ended a car a few days ago .......
I tell you, It was really a bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, if you're not Happy, which one are you?"
I tell you, It was really a bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, if you're not Happy, which one are you?"
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Joke - The First Thing to Go is the Memory
Two elderly people, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Friday, July 13, 2007
Humor - New Virus Warning
Please pass around this new warning! This is a serious threat!
- - -
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:
This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes:
Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Warning: Severe cases can only be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects.
Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.
- - -
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:
This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes:
Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Warning: Severe cases can only be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects.
Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.
Video - Amazing Ad
He might appear to be a little annoying, but he still may have a purpose in life...
| Hosted on Flurl Video Search - Watch More Videos |
