Saturday, September 29, 2007
Smart-alec Wife
I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world," a man said to his wife one night.
"Oh," she replied, "I'll miss you."
"Oh," she replied, "I'll miss you."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Surprise!
A man came to work Monday morning with two black eyes. "Whoa," his co-worker said. "Where did you get those shiners?"
"My wife gave them to me," he replied.
"But I thought she was out of town this weekend," the co-worker said.
"So did I," the man replied.
"My wife gave them to me," he replied.
"But I thought she was out of town this weekend," the co-worker said.
"So did I," the man replied.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Getting Even
When I'm gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man said to his wife on his deathbed.
"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all your life."
"Still do," gasped the husband.
"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all your life."
"Still do," gasped the husband.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sexy Secretary
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.
"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead-nothing is going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead-nothing is going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
Leave Britney Alone
You've seen it all over the Internet and even on TV - here it is again, in case you missed it or if you'd like to see it again.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Mixed News
A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Golf at Night
What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" a wife said to her husband.
"Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends."
"What?" she countered. "Until two in the morning?"
"Yes," he said. "We used night clubs."
"Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends."
"What?" she countered. "Until two in the morning?"
"Yes," he said. "We used night clubs."
Treadmill Madness
The Japanese have some fun television shows. You don't need to speak the language to laugh at this video.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Just Trying To Be Nice
A priest was performing last rites on a dying man. "Renounce the devil!" he said. "Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order, but still the dying man said nothing.
"Why do you refuse to renounce the devil?" the priest asked.
With a gasp, the man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order, but still the dying man said nothing.
"Why do you refuse to renounce the devil?" the priest asked.
With a gasp, the man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Doctors Tell Funny Stories
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!..........
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!..........
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Things I've Learned...
...As I've Matured
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Drinking Doubles
The white-faced, dazed-looking man staggered up to the bar and ordered a double shot of whiskey. He downed it in a gulp, and then ordered two more doubles.
"What's wrong, buddy?" the bartender asked.
"Nothing," the man mumbled. He finished the second two drinks in short order, and then ordered two more.
"Listen," the bartender said. "You're going to be unconscious in a minute. There must be something I can help you with."
"Well," the guy said. "You can answer a question. How big is a penguin?"
"About this high," the bartender said, holding his hand three feet from the ground.
"Shit!" the man swore. "Then I just ran over a nun.
"What's wrong, buddy?" the bartender asked.
"Nothing," the man mumbled. He finished the second two drinks in short order, and then ordered two more.
"Listen," the bartender said. "You're going to be unconscious in a minute. There must be something I can help you with."
"Well," the guy said. "You can answer a question. How big is a penguin?"
"About this high," the bartender said, holding his hand three feet from the ground.
"Shit!" the man swore. "Then I just ran over a nun.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Ski Trip
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Canadian Jokes
CANADIAN JOKE #1
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for? "I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
CANADIAN JOKE #2
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander) He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
CANADIAN JOKE #3
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
CANADIAN JOKE #4
In Canada , we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
CANADIAN JOKE #5
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
CANADIAN JOKE #6
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
CANADIAN JOKE #7
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident . They were all taken to the same emergency room , but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw of them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for? "I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
CANADIAN JOKE #2
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander) He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
CANADIAN JOKE #3
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
CANADIAN JOKE #4
In Canada , we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
CANADIAN JOKE #5
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
CANADIAN JOKE #6
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
CANADIAN JOKE #7
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident . They were all taken to the same emergency room , but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw of them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
