I've got plans for a long weekend, so there probably won't be any new posts here until next Monday.
Enjoy the big game.
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
We Were So Poor...
The J-Walk Blog posted some funny "We were so poor..." jokes, Here's a bit of a taste...
- People saw us kicking a can down the street and asked what we were doing...we said "Moving"
- We hung the toilet paper out to dry.
- We couldn't pay attention.
- We made a hole in the kitchen wall, behind the cooker, and we used to dip our bread in next door's gravy!
- We leave my door unlocked. A burglar might come in and lose some of his change.
- My grandma went to the local government office and said: "I hear y'all declared a war on poverty. Did we win?"
- The dog got nervous every year at Thanksgiving.
- We had to borrow a few beans, to make the gas for a fire.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
True Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces- Just the stone cold truth of great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must become involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must become involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.
Brrrr...
Ever been interested in the coldest permanently inhabited area in the world? It's in Siberia and there's a web site that features some interesting information about the place...
Here's one video they have posted - there's more information and another video if you wish to visit the site.Oymyakon/Ojmjakon/Oimyakon (map) is the coldest permanently inhabited place on earth. Located in Siberia, the lowest recorded temperature here is -71.2 degrees Celsius (96 below in Fahrenheit). According to Wikipedia this is the lowest officially recorded temperature in the northern hemisphere.
The village has a population of around 800 and is located 690 meters above sea level and lies in a valley between two mountain ranges (the reason for the low temperatures). The name Oymyakon means "non-freezing water" because of the natural hot spring close to the village.
2008 In Photographs
I found this site with lots of truly remarkable photos from the year 2008. If you like quality photography, click on the photo above or click here to jump to the site.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Joke - In The Garden
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . .. . ..
And Dog was happy. . . . ..
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . .. . ..
And Dog was happy. . . . ..
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....
Now That's Punny
It's not you. It's me," Dr. Frankenstein's girlfriend said.
"No matter how hard I try, I can't help but think you only want
me for my body."
"No matter how hard I try, I can't help but think you only want
me for my body."
Drunk Barfs On The Car
I don't know - are pictures of drunks and the stupid things they do funny? I guess I think so as long as it's not happening to me. This fella looks like he tried to get his head out the window when the car was moving and sort of made it - sort of not. Somebody has a big cleanup job ahead of them.
Dog Limits
I know that dogs are man's best friend and all that, but no matter how much training you give them, there are just some things that even they won't do...
Xtreme Sport?
What with the explosion of extreme sports on TV these days, there are a lot of new things I've never even heard of. Here's one...
Snowflake
Well, this is kind of fun for a few minutes. Are you looking for a little diversion? Want to burn a little time between jobs at work? Waiting for the wife to get dressed before you go out? If you've got Flash installed and working on your computer, create a snowflake and rotate it in 2-d or 3-d.
Click here or click on the image to get started.
Strange Chair
Now here's a strange chair - it sort of looks like it was designed after one of those baby buggy's with the hoods that you can pull up. Except that this chair is for adults - to keep you focused - or out of sight - or safe from colleagues with water balloons.
You can read more and maybe find out how to get one over at Boing Boing.
Puppet Horror Show
This show must be terrible. I can't believe they didn't ban it. At least one of the children is totally out of control.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Who Get's There First?
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals: a lion; a chimpanzee: a giraffe; and a squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds and before looking at the answer.
If your answer is:
Lion = What? You're a clown.
Chimpanzee = I see where you're going with this, but you're a few bricks short of a complete wall.
Giraffe = Long neck? I think you've been hitting a few "long necks."
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
If you got this right, congratulations - you can at least comprehend at a fifth grade reading level.
For those of you who got this wrong, obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds and before looking at the answer.
Got your answer?
If your answer is:
Lion = What? You're a clown.
Chimpanzee = I see where you're going with this, but you're a few bricks short of a complete wall.
Giraffe = Long neck? I think you've been hitting a few "long necks."
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
If you got this right, congratulations - you can at least comprehend at a fifth grade reading level.
For those of you who got this wrong, obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
That's Smart
Not everyone really appreciates lawyers - at least not until you need one.
Lawyer: someone who makes sure he gets everything that's coming to you.
Seven Feet Tall - And Only 12-years-old
Poor kid - looks like he's got some problems. Still, it's an interesting story...
Lady Bug, Lady Bug...
This is neat - a lady bug takes flight in super-slow-motion. Who would have thought that this is how it works for them?
Living Large
Is this guy wealthy, or just such a fanatic that his family outdid themselves for his birthday? Nonetheless, it makes for a cute story.
From The New York Times...
For an avid runner, perhaps a synthetic running shirt would be awelcome gift. Maybe a heart-rate monitor, or an iPod.
But for a truly one-of-a-kind gift, nothing could beat what Michael Chambers received for his 40th birthday on Thursday: a world-class runner from Kenya for a day.
“What a birthday present,” a stunned Chambers said as Richard Kiplagat, 27, entered his SoHo apartment, ready to run.
“When it comes to running, I’m always ready to do it,” said Kiplagat, wearing New Balance clothes and shoes and an effervescent smile that seemingly comes without a dim switch. He admitted to being surprised when his manager called last week, saying an odd request had been made through the New York Road Runners: someone wanted to hire a Kenyan runner. Kiplagat, a former 10-time All-American distance runner at Iona who is now one of the top road racers in the world, splits time between the United States and his home in Marakwet, Kenya. He did not hesitate to say yes.
via Gawker
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Big Blunder
I make mistakes - tons of them - and I seldom forget them. I remember my blunders better than my successes, but that's a story for another day. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that lots of other people do it as well.
Most of my boo-boos are private - just me and maybe one or two other people know about each of them - so it's not too bad usually. Some folks don't stop there - they make HUGE spectacles of their mistakes and I suppose that's even worse. I did think this one was funny, except that I feel bad for the dodo that did it.
From The Independent (click the link to read more)...
Most of my boo-boos are private - just me and maybe one or two other people know about each of them - so it's not too bad usually. Some folks don't stop there - they make HUGE spectacles of their mistakes and I suppose that's even worse. I did think this one was funny, except that I feel bad for the dodo that did it.
From The Independent (click the link to read more)...
There were red faces on the editorial board of one of Germany's top scientific institutions, the Max Planck Institute, after it ran the text of a handbill for a Macau strip club on the front page of its latest journal. Editors had hoped to find an elegant Chinese poem to grace the cover of a special issue, focusing on China, of the MaxPlanckForschung journal, but instead of poetry they ran a text effectively proclaiming "Hot Housewives in action!" on the front of the third-quarter edition. Their "enchanting and coquettish performance" was highly recommended.via within the cranium
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thinking Is The Problem
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your throat?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Torturing the Witness
Sometimes people willing to testify in court are given plea-deals - sometimes other arrangements are made.
Five Awful Thanksgivings in History
This is not a wish to ruin your day, but it is interesting.
A few of my friends who used to work in law enforcement told me that usually crime is down significantly on the major holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe not so much on Saint Patrick's Day and July 4th, but on the two biggies, people tend to stay at home and out of trouble.
Not always though. I've run across a web site that spells out five really nasty Thanksgiving Days in American history.
Here's a clip...
A few of my friends who used to work in law enforcement told me that usually crime is down significantly on the major holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe not so much on Saint Patrick's Day and July 4th, but on the two biggies, people tend to stay at home and out of trouble.
Not always though. I've run across a web site that spells out five really nasty Thanksgiving Days in American history.
Here's a clip...
And here's a link to the site where you can read the rest of the good stuff...
Thanksgiving Day Massacre, Reno, 1980
Priscilla Ford had a long history of psychiatric problems and bizarre behavior, marked by such quixotic acts as suing the Mormon Church and attempting to speak at the 1972 Republican Convention. The capper came on the Thanksgiving afternoon when she got even with the City of Reno. In front of the downtown casinos, she steered her black 1974 Lincoln onto a crowded sidewalk and mowed down the crowds of holiday gamblers and gambolers. She left six dead and 23 injured in her wake. Pulled over a few blocks later, she told police, "Sometimes I am called Jesus Christ." She later expressed a fervent hope that she'd nailed 75 people, and explained the voice of Joan (Mrs. Edward) Kennedy had told her to do it. Nonetheless, she was found legally sane and duly convicted of murder.
Roomba Driver
How do those Roomba automatic vacuum cleaners work? Well, you may not know this but they require a driver. Often they are driven by tiny little people who sit inside, out of sight. Sometimes bigger drivers may take over. See what we mean...
Getting It Right
It's easy to spend a lot of time pouring over the cards at the grocery store - or in the Hallmark/Carlton card store. After all, you want to get one that's just right.
It's easy to pick up one that rather insults the person to whom you are sending the card. And I've run across a site that produces some of those "wrong cards" - and you can even send the electronically to your "friends." Here's a couple of samples.
And here's the link to the site with the cards.
It's easy to pick up one that rather insults the person to whom you are sending the card. And I've run across a site that produces some of those "wrong cards" - and you can even send the electronically to your "friends." Here's a couple of samples.
And here's the link to the site with the cards.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tom Cruise Farts on Letterman
I'm sure those sounds are coming from the band, but it's still funny...
Robot Ride
I'm afraid that the contents of my stomach would be all over the ground. A Ferris Wheel is about the extent of my interest in mechanical rides.
Flight 1549 - The Crash and Recovery
Security video of the crash and rescue. The plane comes down on the left side of the screen at about the 2 minute mark. The first boat is there just two minutes later. What an incredibly lucky day for those passengers.
You may want to open this up for full-screen viewing. It's grainier, but easier to make out.
You may want to open this up for full-screen viewing. It's grainier, but easier to make out.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Good Looking?
Do attractive people get treated differently? I once read that taller people have better jobs (on average) than shorter people. Is it true? Should it be?
Do pretty women get better jobs? Have more, or better, boyfriends? Date wealthier men?
Do handsome men get promotions easier? Have prettier girlfriends? Date wealthier girls?
The Onion has an article about this. If you're interested, click here to visit the site to read the whole thing.
Clip...
Do pretty women get better jobs? Have more, or better, boyfriends? Date wealthier men?
Do handsome men get promotions easier? Have prettier girlfriends? Date wealthier girls?
The Onion has an article about this. If you're interested, click here to visit the site to read the whole thing.
Clip...
I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please, let me set your mind at ease about all that: I'm attractive. Matter resolved. And furthermore, as you can all clearly see, I'm very pretty and have appealing features, so everything is going to be all right.
Best of Craigslist
I've never used Craigslist - though I've been giving it some thought - I've got some stuff lying around here that I could sell. E-bay is 
a pain in the butt - I tried that once and lost money when the stuff I shipped supposedly arrived broken. I'm not so sure - I wrapped it pretty well.
But this is from Best of Craigslist and it's pretty funny. Click here for the link so that you can read the whole ad.
Clip...
a pain in the butt - I tried that once and lost money when the stuff I shipped supposedly arrived broken. I'm not so sure - I wrapped it pretty well.But this is from Best of Craigslist and it's pretty funny. Click here for the link so that you can read the whole ad.
Clip...
I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.
I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.
Granny Kicks Baby
I'd guess this is some sort of ad series that played somewhere - there's a whole bunch of little incidents in which granny gives the grandkid the boot.
Drunk
I don't know - are drunks funny? It's not a disease - it's something they do to themselves. Have you ever heard folks say that they were so drunk that they don't remember how they got home - or where they left their car - or how they go to bed - or what they ate? I've never been that drunk - and I guess I'm glad.
This drunk didn't fall off his bar stool, he fell asleep across it.
This drunk didn't fall off his bar stool, he fell asleep across it.
I'm Not Even Polish
I like to bowl - have bowled in leagues for a lot of years. Have given it up this year due to doctor's orders - I can't lift anything heavy. Maybe next year.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
People
People - we sure are a diverse species, aren't we? A slide show consisting of people photos taken from the Internet.
Heyelan Land Slide
I've no idea where Heyelan is - the language I saw while trying to do a Google search looked Russian, or Finnish, or something like that. Still, this is one amazing video - and as the landslide begins it is almost like an optical illusion - it's hard to tell what is moving.
Trident Insurance Ad With Hot Girls
If they weren't so far away, I'd have to think about getting some of that insurance. Sort of like American Idol this past week and the female contestant who showed up in just a teeny bikini. Randy and Simon voted her on to the next level without her ever singing a note.
New Fangled Ferris Wheel?
Do you suppose the ride is driven by motors at all - or is the whole thing simply driven by the weight of the guys hanging on? I like it.
How About a Game?
Do you enjoy music? TV? Musical games? Here you go - one player or two - see if you can name these popular TV Theme songs. In a game of ten questions I only got 205 as a score. I'm sure you can beat that.
Name That Theme Song Game.
World's Oddities
Here's a link to an interesting site (Oddee) you might like to browse featuring some of the worlds firsts...
and more.
- World's first digital camera
- World's first motel
- World's first novel
- World's first album cover
- World's first web server
and more.
Back in the Days Crazy Nutz Stunts
I like to post videos of people doing dumb things - I guess this qualifies even though it dates back a long time - some like 80 years ago? This runs a little longer than the videos I usual post - almost 8 minutes - but it's worth it for the humor and history.
via Random Good Stuff
via Random Good Stuff
Runningman
Some pretty clever stuff gets done digitally. This animated GIF of a running man is a good example...
Crybaby on a Tricycle
This kids looks old enough that he should be beyond crying. Still, I sympathize - he expected to go for a little ride and the trike looks like it needs a good paint job.
Cropping Lesson
I'm not good with Photoshop myself, but I admire what others can do. I have a simple little graphics program that I paid for years ago called Compupic that does everything I could want. But this is good...
Bitterman Cartoon
Click on the cartoon to view it larger.
You've probably gotten caught by this yourself - thought someone was speaking to you when they were actually on the phone. Funny.
You've probably gotten caught by this yourself - thought someone was speaking to you when they were actually on the phone. Funny.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Joke - The Clever Mortician
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died, and his body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
But Monica noted that Charlie had always preferred blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the viewing and burial."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice."
"Well surely it cost you plenty of staff time to undress both bodies and switch their clothes!" the woman said.
"Well, no," the mortician said with a discreet cough. "We just switched the heads."
Cruise and Lose
Jeesh - is there a conspiracy against people on cruises these days? Several threatening incidents lately.
Animal Photos PowerPoint
I've posted a PowerPoint slide show with some cute/funny animal pics for you to download.
Click here to download or click on the image.
Bambi Hearts Thumper
Another video in the "Best Buds" series. This is pretty cute. Don't watch if you're not into cute.
This Is Sort of Stupid
Here's a link to an espresso machine done in Flash format. Insert the coin, get your coffee and a surprise. Come to think of it, this is really silly. I've no idea why I'm wasting the time posting it here except for the fact that I smiled a little bit the first time I saw it. Visit the site - or not.
Click here or on the image for espresso.