Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Joke - saving the choking victim
A father walks into a market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment: the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Naturally, the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches out of the air with his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!" the father says. "It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, taking another sip of his coffee. "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment: the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Naturally, the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches out of the air with his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!" the father says. "It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, taking another sip of his coffee. "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
Cee Lo Green - Fuck You
I know this isn't for everyone's taste, but from time to time I hear a song that really, REALLY appeals to me. This is one - I like the lyrics and the melody and the tempo and Cee Lo's voice. The lyrics are pretty explicit, so don't listen if you're easily offended.
Here's the official video...
Here's a version with the lyrics printed out...
Here he is appearing on a cable TV show with his all-girl band backing him up...
Here's the official video...
Here's a version with the lyrics printed out...
Here he is appearing on a cable TV show with his all-girl band backing him up...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Some try to cheat the system
Rescue workers who found Sherin Brown, 23, trapped under a steel light pole in New York City said she told them the pole fell on her, causing back and neck injuries. After she was taken to the hospital to be treated, investigators reviewing nearby surveillance videos saw a passing tractor-trailer clip the pole. The footage showed Brown jumping out of the way of the falling pole, then crawling under it just before help arrived. She was charged with falsely reporting an emergency. (New York’s Daily News)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Winter time
We get a lot of snow here in the snow-belt ... off the eastern end of the Great Lakes. Just in the past few days we've probably had a foot and a half of snow on top of two feet already on the ground. It was building up on the roof, so I used a snow rake today - probably 3 to 4 hours out there pulling snow off the roof. I don't get on the roof to shovel off the snow - I'm too clumsy. But I've hired it done in the past when it got really bad - and I know you always start at the top and work your way down - the deeper snow gives you a foothold because the shoveled portion of the roof gets VERY slippery. Don't do it like this guy...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Accident Reports
These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Grandpa joke
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the shopping cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the shopping cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
A golfer's joke
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were trying to enjoy a morning of golf, but they were stuck behind an extremely slow group; those men missed every putt, had a hard time lining up shots, and occasionally even teed off in the wrong direction.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the pro. Let's have a word with him."
They signal him over. "Hi, George," the priest says. "What's with that group ahead of us? They're delaying our game."
The pro replied, "It's a sad, sad, story. That's a group of blind firefighters; they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free."
The group fell silent in shame.
The priest said, "That's awful! I will say a special prayer for them tonight and take up a collection with my congregation."
The doctor added, "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there's anything he can do for them."
And the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the pro. Let's have a word with him."
They signal him over. "Hi, George," the priest says. "What's with that group ahead of us? They're delaying our game."
The pro replied, "It's a sad, sad, story. That's a group of blind firefighters; they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free."
The group fell silent in shame.
The priest said, "That's awful! I will say a special prayer for them tonight and take up a collection with my congregation."
The doctor added, "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there's anything he can do for them."
And the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Busting some old myths...
The web paged linked HERE spikes some old myths that die hard. Gun fights in the old west? Bra burning in the 1960's? Maybe not so much. 6 stories debunked.
Hell of a joke
A man dies and goes to hell. He is sitting around on a piece of brimstone depressed. The devil walks by and asks him what is wrong.
The man says, "What do you mean what is wrong? I'm dead! I'm in hell! I'm depressed, ok?"
The devil says, "Look we get a lot of bad press down here, things aren't as bad as they appear. Let me ask you, do you like to eat?"
The man says, "Sure, everyone likes to eat."
The devil says, "You are going to love Monday's! Best gourmet food, fast food, anything you want! Eat as much as you want! What's going to happen? Heart attack? You're dead already."
The man says, "Well, that's not so bad."
Then the devil asks him, "Do you like to drink?"
The mans replies, "Well, sure."
The devil says, "You're going to love Tuesday! Best wine, scotch whiskey, bourbon, anything you want! Drink until you pass out, sober up and drink again. What's going to happen? Psoriasis of the liver? Your dead, you're here man!"
Then the devil asks the man, "Do you like to gamble?" the man says, "Well yea, sometimes. "
The devil says, "Wednesdays! You are really going to enjoy Wednesdays! Blackjack, poker, slot machines, anything you want! Bet a million on the horses; lose a million, who cares! You ain't going bankrupt, you dead! You're in hell!"
The man is getting pretty excited by now and says, "Man, this is sounding pretty good!"
The devil than ask, "Do you like to do drugs?"
The man looks a bit sheepish and says, "Well, sometimes".
The devil says, "Man, Thursdays are your days! Snort cocaine, shoot up heroine, and smoke a joint the size of a submarine, whatever you want! What's going to happen? You going to overdose and die? You are here already!"
The man is jumping up and down with excitement; "This is like Las Vegas on steroids!" he says!
The devil said, "Yep, told you, we get a lot of bad press down here".
The devil then asks, "Um, are you gay?"
The man says, "Well, no, I'm not".
The devil says, "Oh man, you may hate Fridays".
The man says, "What do you mean what is wrong? I'm dead! I'm in hell! I'm depressed, ok?"
The devil says, "Look we get a lot of bad press down here, things aren't as bad as they appear. Let me ask you, do you like to eat?"
The man says, "Sure, everyone likes to eat."
The devil says, "You are going to love Monday's! Best gourmet food, fast food, anything you want! Eat as much as you want! What's going to happen? Heart attack? You're dead already."
The man says, "Well, that's not so bad."
Then the devil asks him, "Do you like to drink?"
The mans replies, "Well, sure."
The devil says, "You're going to love Tuesday! Best wine, scotch whiskey, bourbon, anything you want! Drink until you pass out, sober up and drink again. What's going to happen? Psoriasis of the liver? Your dead, you're here man!"
Then the devil asks the man, "Do you like to gamble?" the man says, "Well yea, sometimes. "
The devil says, "Wednesdays! You are really going to enjoy Wednesdays! Blackjack, poker, slot machines, anything you want! Bet a million on the horses; lose a million, who cares! You ain't going bankrupt, you dead! You're in hell!"
The man is getting pretty excited by now and says, "Man, this is sounding pretty good!"
The devil than ask, "Do you like to do drugs?"
The man looks a bit sheepish and says, "Well, sometimes".
The devil says, "Man, Thursdays are your days! Snort cocaine, shoot up heroine, and smoke a joint the size of a submarine, whatever you want! What's going to happen? You going to overdose and die? You are here already!"
The man is jumping up and down with excitement; "This is like Las Vegas on steroids!" he says!
The devil said, "Yep, told you, we get a lot of bad press down here".
The devil then asks, "Um, are you gay?"
The man says, "Well, no, I'm not".
The devil says, "Oh man, you may hate Fridays".
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Miracle on the Hudson (video)
Air traffic controller recording and animation of this remarkable event.
Funny talk
Stupid celebrity quotes
Britney Spears
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
“I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
Jessica Simpson
“Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘chicken by the sea’.”
Tara Reid
“I’m sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. She’s looking like a rock scientist.”
Christina Aguilera
“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
Alicia Silverstone
“I think that the film ‘Clueless’ was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
Justin Bieber
“German? I don’t know what that means … we don’t say that in America.”
Tyra Banks
“I close my eyes while driving and just sing along. I always open them again in time.”
Donald Trump
“If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.”
Axl Rose
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
Naomi Campbell
“I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.”
Kanye West
“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
Mariah Carey
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Paris Hilton
“What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?”
Brooke Shields
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
