Funny Photos and a Joke

Joke Time: Skipping Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

Unsure what to do, the blonde quietly sneaks out of the house, drives around until her normal quitting time, and returns home without saying anything.

The next day at work, the gals get together. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"I met a great guy!" says the redhead.

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Humor and Jokes

Humor: Sign Language

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Joke Time: Redneck Security

Wireless home security systems aren't just for rich folk. Here's how rednecks do it:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots. A really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of American Rifleman magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says: "Bubba, big Mike and me have gone to get more ammunition. Back in a half hr. Oh, and don't disturb the Pit Bulls -- they's just been wormed."
5. Pop a cold one and relax.

Funny Photos: Cartoon

Fat Lip!

Distorted!

Big Surprise!

Joke Time: After the Coma

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are just fine."

"After all this time," she said, "do they have names?"

"Yes ma'am," the doctor replied. "Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what did he name them?"

"The girl is Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother said, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

2 Funny Pictures and Joke Time

Joke Time: New Rules

New Rule

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a--hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a--hole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Fun Photos and a Joke

3 Interesting Photographic Studies on Women

(click any image for a larger view)

Joke Time: Nerds

Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Funny photo and a joke

Baby Funnies (click the image for a larger view)

Joke Time: John Paul

God comes down to Pope John Paul II a few days before he died and says to the Pope, "Pope, you've been a good Pope. I like you. You know you'll be here in a few days, but I wanted to give you a gift...anything in the world you want to get rid of, you name it, it's done."

John Paul thought a minute. "Hmmm, well, that's awful considerate of you, Lord. I guess I'm gonna have to say Polish jokes. I know nationalism is a kind of pride, but well, this is where I was born, and I have a natural affinity for my homeland. Polish jokes just tend to hurt us, and me, and stereotype us unfairly."

God says, "No problem." Snaps his fingers, and bam, no Polish jokes, past, present or future. "Anything else?"

Pope shakes his head, "Nope, that's it."

So God and JP are sitting there drinking tea and eating crumpets, when God says, "Well, John Paul, it's time for me to go. But before I do, are you sure there's not anything else you want to get rid of."

JP pauses, "M&M's."

God says surprised, "M&M's? Wow. I thought they were harmless enough, but if they have to go, they have to go. Can I ask why?"

Pope says, "Well, I'm not getting any younger, and they're just getting harder and harder to peel."

Baby Fun: click image to enlarge.

Joke time - Dumb and Tasteless Jokes

What's green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.
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Where is best place to hide an Indian's welfare cheque?

Under his work boots
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Why don't women need driver licences?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Funny Photo and Joke Time

Humor: Before and After

Joke Time: Pretty Punny!

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

The rival florist went to visit and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friar's to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, the friar's closed down their business, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars

Funny Photo and a Joke

Crawling Mass

Joke Time: Lion Tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Humor and Joke Time

Humor: Cows and Car

Joke Time: Tennis Ball

A guy is walking down the street when he sees a tennis ball lying in the gutter, so he picks it up and puts it in his shorts pocket. A bit later he comes across a blonde who points at the ball and says, "What’s that?"

He goes, "Tennis ball".

To which the blonde replies, "Gee I had tennis elbow once and I thought that was bad!"

Humor Photo and Joke Time

Amazing What a New Paint Job Can Do!

Joke Time - Adults Only

One night a man walks into a bar, and sees that people are gathering around in front of a stage. The crowd seems to be divided though, some people seem very eager, some very cautious and they sit toward the back.

Curious, the guy sits down at a table next to a woman and asks, "Excuse me, but is there some kind of performance that's going to happen?"

"Why yes," says the woman. "Bernie Tolwer will be playing in a few minutes."

The man thinks for a minute. "I've never heard of him, is he good? And by the way, what's with the people here, they seem to be acting strange."

She explains "Bernie is one of the greatest piano players any of us have heard. But the problem is, he drinks a lot when he plays and the names he makes up for these songs are disgusting." Ever more curious, the man decides to stay and watch the show.

So in a few minutes Bernie walks out, beer in hand, and he is obviously pretty drunk. He sits down, places his beer on a small stand next to the piano and speaks to the crowd. "Hi there folks, I'm going to play a piece for you tonight I call 'Kicking a Hobo in the Nuts and Puking in his Face'”

The crowd gasps, but they settle down when Bernie plays a beautiful song, just the greatest thing many of them have ever heard played on a piano.

He finishes the song, and his beer and tells the crowd, "OK, now for a song I wrote just today called 'Kicking a Pregnant Woman in the Stomach and Spitting in Her Eye.'"

Again the crowd is appalled, but yet again this song is just wonderful. In fact, some guy proposes to his girlfriend while this is playing, it is so beautiful.

When he’s done, Bernie stands up and says "OK kiddies, Bernie has to take a short bathroom break, but I'll be right back."

The man at the table is just in awe.

The woman says "See, I told you. It's weird isn't it?"

The man agrees.

Meanwhile in the bathroom Bernie is taking a wizz and in his drunkenness, he forgets to zip up. He even forgets to wait till he's done peeing.

So he's walking on stage wetting himself and a man in the bar shouts out, "Hey Bernie! Do you know your dick's hanging out and you're pissing on yourself?"

Bernie looks at him. "Yeah" he says, "But I played that yesterday!"

Humor Photo and Joke Time

Humor: Tonight's Blind Date

Joke Time - Adult Themed

It's the Spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date Peggy Sue. When he goes to the front door, the girl's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

"Thanks." says Bobby.

Peggy's mother asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in.

Peggy's mother responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Peggy's mother to repeat it.

"Yeah !" says Carrie's mother, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her."

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 5 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her mother: "MOM! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST, THE TWIST!!!"

Humor, Joke Time and a Link

Humor: Girl's Basketball

Joke Time

One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, "Johnny, do you have your report done?"

He replied, "No ma'am."

She said, "If you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents."

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, "This is going to be my report."

The next day at school the teacher says, "Johnny, do you have your report done?"

He says, "Sure do."

So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. "Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ass."

The teacher says, "Johnny, we don't use the word 'ass' in the classroom, it's rectum."

Johnny said, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

Link. This is neat!

Free Stuff That’s Really Free

This site uses software that searches for free stuff on the web, and weeds out the scams, piramid schemes, etc.

Link: Great Story

The Miser Who Turned Out Not To Be a Pauper...

Click here to visit a web sitre with a pretty neat photo-story, all about King Stutz.

Humorous Photo and a Joke

"But Mom, I've only begun to eat!"

Two single women are on the town for a "shop-'til-we-drop" day out when they come across the grand opening of a new "husband store".

Intrigued, they enter and a salesman comes up to them and explains how the store works. "You can take the elevator up and shop, floor by floor. At each of our 6 floors, the elevator will stop and you will see a display featuring the traits of the men on that floor. When you find a floor with the model of a man you like, you can get off the elevator and choose from several of our carefully selected gentlemen, in a variety of Nationalities and skin tones, who will gladly agree to become your future husband. However, you may ride the elevator only once, and once you get off you will not be able to get back on except to exit the store, so if you are sincerely interested in finding a mate, make sure you pick someone before you reach the top. Good luck!"

So the ladies get into the elevator and it takes them up to the first floor. The doors open and the sign reads "First Floor - Average looking men - construction workers."

The ladies decide to pass and take the elevator to the second floor. Here the sign reads "Handsome men - alcoholics."

The ladies decide to continue onward. The third floor sign reads "Handsome men, sober but unemployed."

The ladies see how, as they go higher, the quality improves, so they decide to proceed to the 4th floor, where the sign reads "Average looking men, successful executives."

Excited at the prospects on this floor, the women hesitate for just a moment, but then remember that there are two more floors ahead of them.

The sign here reads "Handsome older men, doctors and lawyers."

The ladies are almost ready to get out at this floor, but they think, "If these men are here, imagine what there will be on the 6th floor," so they decide to press on.

When they get to the 6th floor, the elevator doors open and there is only a door marked "EXIT" with a sign saying "There is nothing on this floor. This floor only serves to point out how women will never be happy with the men they could have had and are always on the look-out for something better. Have a nice day."

Humor - Bulging Eyes -- Joke Time

The other night I was invited out with the girls. I told my husband I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. At 3am I went home a bit loaded. Just as I walked in the door the cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband might wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself with coming up with a solution to be late when totally smashed.

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in. I said midnight. He didn't seem mad at all, and I felt like I got away with it.

But then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him, “Why,” he said, “Well last night the clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh shit,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted'

Humor: Basball; and 3 Nasty Little Jokes

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
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Two cannibals are eating dinner when the first one says, "Man, I really hate my mother in-law."

So the second cannibal says, "Well then just eat the noodles."
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What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.

The other is used to carry groceries.

Video Fun

Click here or click the image on the right to download a really silly ad for a 1950's toy called the Swing Wing.







Click here or click the image on the right to watch a pretty funny video that looks like a recent send-up of a 1950's music video. Some adult overtones.




Click here or click the image on the right to watch a nifty video of a juggling kid and his buskets.

Humor: Bad Taste; 3 Dumb, Tasteless Jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a drink and a mop...
Ba-dump-ump
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Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Ba-dump-ump
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How is the USS Enterprise like toilet paper?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
Ba-dump-ump.

Cute: Babies; Joke Time

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistance of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his roomwith math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.

He emerged from his room just long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first-quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card - unopened- laid it on the dinner table - and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of "Math." Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Humor - Baby Fist; Emo Phillips Joke

Emo Phillips joke:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

Eating Men and a Dumb Joke

"Are we allowed to eat these men?"

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Funny Animation, a "Sick" Joke and a "Sexist" Joke

Two teenagers were out on a date at the movies. Of course, they weren't watching the movie, they were in the back row making out... when finally they break for some air and the guy says to the girl, "Ya know, I really enjoy kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your gum?"

To which the girl replies, "Gum? That's not gum, I've got bronchitis."
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Why do women never need a watch?

There's clock over the stove...

Tattooed Man and a joke

A one eyed, one legged, hook-handed pirate walks into a bar.

The bartended asks how he lost his leg. The pirate replies that a shark bit it off.

The bartender asks the same of his hand, to which the pirate replies that he lost it in an epic swordfight.

Finally the bartender asks how he lost his eye, and the pirate replies that a seagull shat in it.

The bartended seems confused and asks how seagull shit could take out an eye.

The pirate says it was his first day with the hook.

Humorous Picture and 2 Jokes

A guy got home from a bar, piss drunk. He went up to his room, looked out the window, and noticed that the sun was gone, and it was dark.

He was so drunk he couldn't figure out where the sun went, and he got really worried! He thought and he thought, but no luck.

He was so worried that he ended up standing there all night before it finally dawned on him!
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Question with no answer: What do you call a super-caloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

3 Sick Riddles and a Funny Animation

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung
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What is six feet long and smells like urine?

A line dance at an old folks home.
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Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink!

Humor: Internet Spoofs and Video

Click on the title of this post or click on the image to visit a web site with detailed stories of the 10 best Internet spoofs.











Click here or click on the image to watch a pretty funny video about the truth behind Japanese Restaurants.





Click here or click on the image to watch a video (is it real or not?) of a meteor crashing to earth.

Funny Photo and 2 Sick Jokes

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?

She was a woman.
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Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read ??

Are you sure you want to know?




Here it comes...





Don't say you weren't warned......

Lord & Taylor