Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Jokes - 3 Dillies
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.
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How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard.
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What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
I am ewe.
Out of a catalog.
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How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard.
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What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
I am ewe.
Beauty Pageant Loser
This is absolutely horrible - from the talent portion of some stupid beauty pageant.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Jokes - 3 Dillies
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
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How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
They take the psycho path.
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How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
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How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Three Dillies
Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door?
He strained himself.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
It ended up in a tie.
He strained himself.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
It ended up in a tie.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Jimmy Talks To God
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
Sunday, October 21, 2007
It Needs A-Fixin'!
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Friday, October 19, 2007
Bike Trick (Video)
Another soldier in Darwin's Army attempts to destroy himself so that he can't breed another dummy like himself.
Cuppa Joe
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' “
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' “
Badly Behaved Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
Kangaroo Cheats Death
Blogger is giving me some trouble with uploading still images, so I'm stuck posting text and videos today. Enjoy.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Punny Joke
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Strange Thing To Say!
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
All Bran Commercial
Here's an All Bran advertisement - how many "hidden clues" can you find that lead you to believe that this cereal will lead to better "dumps."
Monday, October 08, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Not So Nice
The Ten Worst Comments To Get On Your Tests
10. See me after class.
9. Didn't you ever buy the book?
8. It's a C -- but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You must've been up all last night.
4. You should probably know the book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Please tell your dad to try harder.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Old Friends
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old." Well, if so, you'll love this one.
My name is Alice Amith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered , "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
My name is Alice Amith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered , "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Friday, October 05, 2007
Polish Joke
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. After filling out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ.
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked. "Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked. "Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."
