Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
9. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
11. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
12. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

And

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." 

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"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

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"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

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The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" 

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"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

And 

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?" 

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I said, "It’s all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day." 

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"Can you do me a favor?" he asked. 

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I said "Of course, what is it?" 

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"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

And 

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

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Worried that it might mean a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he got his energy and courage together enough to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

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Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind of tape that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. 

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Written on the tape in large black letters was: "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

And finally 

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

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“In fact, I do,” said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

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When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, “Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

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The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?”

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"Oh, that crazy old bastard,” she replied. “That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August!”