Hocus: What does a magician say when he's going to change a man into a flea?
Pocus: I don't know. What?
Hocus: Pest-o change-o.
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Larry: What did the astronomer say when asked what he thought of falling stars?
Barry: No comet.
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Ralph, the elf: What did Yoda say to Snow White?
Dixie, the pixie: I don’t know. What?
Ralph, the elf: May the dwarfs be with you.
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Bill: Did you hear about the kid who dreamed he was a muffler?
Will: No. What happened?
Bill: He woke up exhausted.
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Mike: Which is more nutritious, a hamburger or a shooting star?
Ike: A shooting star because it is meteor.
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A man walked into a drugstore, and the pharmacist asked him, “May I help you?”
“I need something for the hiccups,” the man replied.
A moment of silence followed, then the pharmacist slapped the man.
“Why did you do that?” the man asked.
“You don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” the pharmacist replied.
“No,” said the man, “But my wife out in the car still does.”
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Gene, the hunter: I just met a great big bear in the woods.
Dean, the hunter: Good! Did you give him both barrels?
Gene, the hunter: The heck with both barrels, I gave him the whole gun.
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Tim: Hello, Jim. Fishing?
Jim: Nope, drowning worms.
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Lovie, the dove: Did you hear about the bird who stuck his beak in a light socket because he wanted an electric bill?
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Kerry Cucumber: What is the first line of a pickle wedding?
Terry Tomato: Dilly beloved, we are gathered together.
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Janice: Help! My kid brother just fell into a manhole.
Sandy: What shall I do?
Janice: Hurry! Run to the library and get a book on how to bring up a child.
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Traveler: Is that my bus over there?
Ticket agent: Yes. It goes to California in 10 minutes. .
Traveler: My, it goes fast!
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Dan: What do you get when you cross a watermelon with Lassie’s Pup?
Joel: I don’t know. What?
Dan: A melon collie baby.
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Mike: Do you know how to play baseball?
lke: Yes, of course.
Mike: Then how do you hold a bat?
Ike: By its wings.
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Frank: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a dwarf?
N. Stein: I don’t know. What?
Frank: A monster that sucks blood out of your knees.
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Nat: Is that a real diamond ring?
Matt: If it isn’t, I've been cheated out of 39 cents.
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Bill: How much do used batteries cost?
Jill: Nothing, they're free of charge.
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Two women were walking down the street when one said to the other, “Did you know my husband started a cooking show on TV?"
“Oh, how interesting,” said the other woman. “What’s it called?”
“That’s Inedible."
Friday, February 26, 2021
Really bad Dad Jokes
DATED PLAYBOY PARTY JOKES
On a weekend trip with their girlfriends, two bikers agreed to bet on who could make love more often in a single night. They took adjoining motel rooms and decided to carve a notch in the wall after each round.
Jethro performed at ten o’clock, at two A.M. and at six A.M., each time making a scratch in the wall. After breakfast, Clyde went into Jethro's room and looked at the wall.
"Unbelievable!" he cried. “One hundred eleven! You beat me by four.“
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Who's blonde, 36-24-36, a knockout and having a wonderful time in Las Vegas?
Salman Rushdie.
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A man returned home from the night shift at eight, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How‘d you get down here so fast?" he asked. “We were just making love!"
“Oh, my God," his wife gasped, "that’s my mother up there! She came over early and had a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."
Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
“I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years,” she huffed, “and I wasn’t about to start now."
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Hollywood gossip has it that Ed McMahon received this notice from his wife’s attorney: “to ED MCMAHON: YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY LOST $10,000,000“
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While on his way to an excavation sight in the desert, an amateur archaeologist came upon a man lying in the sand. his penis pointed straight up at the sun. “What are you doing?" he asked.
“I'm checking the time," the fellow replied.
The visitor scratched his head and walked on. When he returned several hours later, the man was still lying on the ground. only this time he was furiously masturbating. “Now what are you doing?" the archaeologist asked.
“Winding my watch."
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We understand there's a BMW campaign for the inner city. The billboards show a teenager next to a sleek 735iI.. with the legend: YOU’VE GOT THE RADIO, NOW GET THE CAR.
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The aristocratic former colonel in the czar's Ninth Cossacks was doing his best to ignore the boorish Bolshevik in the matted and smelly fur coat.
“Isn’t it wonderful, Comrade? Here we are, former enemies—you the son of a prince, me a common peasant—side by side, drinking and smoking together. How remarkable. And so soon after the revolution.“
The White Russian tried to shake his unwelcome companion by heading for the garden to relieve himself. “Who would believe it?” the pesky fellow continued. “Now we are side by side in the garden of your old dacha, pissing in the snow together. What a country! But tell me something, Comrade. Why is it that my stream goes splishy, splashy, while yours makes neither splish nor splash?"
“Because, you peasant swine, I am pissing on your coat."
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Why do men have to pay more for car insurance than women do?
Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
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It got so cold in New York recently that several lawyers were spotted walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
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An old man woke up on his 100th birthday and sat nude on the edge of his bed. He looked at his hands and said, “Hands, you are one hundred years old today." He looked at his legs and said, “Legs, you are one hundred years old today." He looked at his penis and said. "Well, old buddy, if you had lived, you would have been one hundred years old today."
