Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Mr. Brown: No, only spots.
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
This photo, which has been circulating on the web, looks pretty improbable. Is it real or Memorex (sorry - old expression) - errr - Photoshopped? The Hoax Photo Database tries to work it all out for you - along with the stories of dozens of other photos.
Check it out - Link
Monday, July 28, 2008
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Since so many people are Ti-Voing and DVRing TV shows these days, then fast-forwarding through the commercials, more and more networks are trying to use "product placement" to get their goods on the air. I'm just not ready for it on the news channels yet...
Fox TV news anchors enjoy plastic coffee
From Boing-Boing - click the link to read more...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
But why?," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Ultimate Flips!!! - The most amazing home videos are here
Friday, July 25, 2008
10. Art History
8. American Studies
7. Music Therapy
4. English Lit
13. BRANDON DE WILDE, Actor.1942 - 1972. Cause of death: Motorbike Accident, age 30.These days most people remember Brandon as the hopeful yet thoroughly annoying Joey from the Alan Ladd classic SHANE. But in his day, Brandon was an up-and-coming star of screen and stage. He made his Broadway debut at only 7 years old, participating in 492 performances of hit show "The Member of the Wedding." He was Oscar nominated at age 11 for SHANE (1953), and went on to feature in HUD (1963), In HARM'S WAY (1965), and other films, costarring with Paul Newman, Warren Beatty, John Wayne, Eva Marie Saint, and James Stewart. In July of 1972 Brandon was schedule to appear in the Leonard Gershe play "Butterflies Are Free" in Denver, Colorado. En route he swerved to avoid an accident, hit another vehicle, and wound up pinned under his motorcycle with massive injuries. He died shortly afterwards.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
There is simply no explanation that would suffice...
This is timely as they're running the bulls this week in Spain. Again - proof of just how stupid the average human being really is...
Oops - the truck had already pulled away from the platform...
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Below is a video from Britain's Got Talent of a couple of fun dancers - but I see that it's edited in exactly the same way. Check it out and see if I'm not right.
Since 2005, NASA has observed 100 explosions on the surface of the Moon. The big booms, usually equivalent to a few hundred pounds of TNT, are caused by meteoroids smashing into the Moon's surface.
Read more - Link
a. Dr. Ruth
b. Dr. Phil
c. Dr. Drew
d. Dr. House (not the actor, the character)
e. Dr. Dre
f. Dr. Laura
1. Are actual M.D.s
2. Trained as a sniper in an underground Israeli military force.
3. In 2003 marketed a line of weight-loss products called Shape-Up which was promptly pulled when customers lost more money than
4. Trained as an opera singer.
5. Played middle-linebacker in college on a defense that gave up more than 100 points to the University of Houston.
6. Had his/her first child at the age of 17.
7. Did voice work for the cartoon comedies Family Guy, Robot Chicken and Crank Yankers.
8. Was a diver on the swim team in high school.
9. Sanctioned by a state board of examiners for having an inappropriate relationship with a patient.
10. Has been described as a "cross between Henry Kissinger and Minnie Mouse."
11. Called homosexuality "a biological error."
12. Had nude photos posted on the Internet in 1998.
13. Accused the wives of soldiers in Iraq of "bitching."
14. Spouse wrote a New York Times #1 best-seller.
15. Said "Seizures are cool to watch but boring to diagnose."
16. Had an asteroid named after him/her.
17. Taught kindergarten.
18. Was shot in 2006.
1. Real M.D.s - (c)Drew and (d)House
2. Sniper - (a)Ruth
3. Shpe-Up - (b)Phil
4. Opera singer - (c)Drew
5. Linebacker - (b)Phil
6. Child at 17 - (e)Dre
7. Cartoon voices - (c)Drew
8. High school diver - (e)Dre
9. Sex with patient - (b)Phil
10. Minnie Mouse - (a)Ruth
11. Homosexuality slur - (f)Laura
12. Nude photos - (f)Laura
13. Bitchy wives - (f)Laura
14. Spousal author - (b)Phil
15. Sizures - (d)House
16. Asteroid - (d)House
17. Kindergarten - (a)Ruth
18. Shot - (d)House
*Source - Playboy, July, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"