Friday, March 30, 2007

Joke - Marketing

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Video - Angelina Jolie

Here's a funny send-up of a movie trailer - Angelina Jolie is Womb Raider!

Humor - Fractured Similies

I don't know where these are originally from, or even from which side of the pond they originated. I have seen them mostly attributed to students' essays from the UK or the United States; but the cultural references are mixed, and by this point most of the lists seem to have adopted American spelling and phrasing. I seem also to remember a bad metaphor contest help at some point? Rest of the world gets off the hook ... this time!

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a reversing truck.

She was as easy as the Daily Mirror crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Animated Fun

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Video - Wiiiiii

Laughing baby video - Dad plays with a video game.

Joke - Getting to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Cartoon Time


Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingy.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mg of this stuff before?

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

I hope his family won't miss him.

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

Video - Spike Jones

Spike Jones was a band leader back in the 1930's through the 1950's. He had a good time with the music his band played and they had a pretty good audience. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Joke - Hearing Problem

A man mentions to his doctor that his wife's hearing doesn't seem to be as good as it used to be, and asks what he should do. The doctor suggests a small test to confirm the amount of hearing loss: "Next time your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer and asking the question again until she hears you."

So the man goes home, and his wife is preparing dinner in the kitchen. Opportunity knocks: he stands in the hallway and asks, "What is for dinner, honey?" No answer. So he moves into the kitchen, just inside the door, and asks again. No answer. So he moves closer, almost to arm's length, and asks again: and still he gets no answer.

Finally, when he is standing directly behind her, he asks the same question a fourth time; and she answers: "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Fun Photos - Kids

"I'm sure gonna wet mywself when I'm done with this piece of fruit!"

"Ouuta my way - unless you wanna rumble!"

"Thanks, bitch! Come back in five with a fresh beer and a dry diaper!"

"You've got to get a nap in between bouts of potty training!"

"Mom loves to watch me play with my favorite teething toy! I heard her say that some day soon it will help out on the food and diaper bills!"

Humor - Librarians

Murphy's Laws for School Librarians

· Six books on a topic + five classes = 2 to 1 odds on teachers assigning the same topic at the same time.

· Budget statements from the District Office are always inversely proportional to budget.

· If the system has been made foolproof, everybody will suddenly become a genius.

· When 60% of a book order is back-ordered, 90% of the back-orders will be out of print.

· A "missing" encyclopaedia will remain missing until its replacement arrives.

· Books will remain upright on the shelf until another book is placed beside them.

· Complete card catalogue or catalogue program revisions will come out the month after the existing version is updated.

· The student who has the most overdue books reads the least.

· The only copy of a library book recommended by a teacher to a student has already been checked out by that teacher, who has loaned it to a friend in Peru.

· Students always require a 400 word article for a 500 word essay.

· Changing librarians frequently allows blame to be placed upon the predecessor.

· If 17 subject headings are made for a book, it will require 18.

· If a teacher discusses a specific unit with the librarian in advance, the teacher will be absent on the days scheduled, the substitute cannot administer the unit, and the teacher will not be able to do the unit upon their return because of the need to make up for lost time.

· The one time of the month that the librarian takes five minutes to read MAD magazine is when the superintendent will walk in.

· Year-end reports should be prepared in September, before everything gets screwed up.

· If it is a good book, it is out of stock. If it is an excellent book, it is out of print.

· No matter how many books you have on a subject, the student will always think they are all "too big".

· The "super" syndrome: Libraries are always empty when the principal or superintendent comes to visit.

· The volunteer aide who files the worst is the one who volunteers the most.

· If the system works, someone somewhere is doing something wrong.

· When half the library budget is spent on a specific request by a teacher for a course, the teacher will quit or be transferred and the course dropped or changed.

· No matter how long an article or piece of information is kept, it will never be needed until it is thrown away.

· If one volume of a journal is lost, it will be the specific volume everyone requires.

· No books are ever lost except those most needed and most difficult to replace.

· The books needed most always come from the least reliable supplier.

· When re-cataloguing a book to correct an error, seven new problems are automatically created.

· The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.

· If everything is fine, you are probably in the wrong library.


Video - Gas Problems

A funny video of a reporter at work.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


Sorry for the lack of posts the last few days - I've been under the weather. I hope to be back in a few days.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Cartoon Time

Humor - How Kids See Adult Conversation

From the Boing Boing blog.

Cory Doctorow: Simon Rich's "A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table" in this week's New Yorker is spot-on perfect and hilarious, besides:

MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.


GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.

DAD: We all are.

MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.

DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.

MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.

FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.

MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!

DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!

MOM: Now everything is fine.

Video - Dancing Outtakes

This guy traveled the world to make a video of himself dancing in nations most of us will never visit. I've linked to that video somewhere.

Click here to link to the outtakes video of Matt dancing.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Joke - Omniscience

The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table is a large pile of apples, with a note that had been added by one of the nuns: Take Only ONE. God Is Watching.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Cartoon Time

(Click on any image to view larger)

Humor - On Dogs

Got a New Dog?

Be sure to train him correctly early on so that you can enjoy his presence for years to come. I had a good friend who used to breed Dobermans and she would tell tales of customers who bought the dogs, and thought they were cute as pups, having trouble in later years as the dogs grew to the size of a Volkswagen. In one instance, she spoke of letting the Doberman climb in their laps as a puppy - then trying to get him to stop as he grew to more than 100 pounds.

So here, for your reading pleasure - "Rules For the Dog!"

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially-built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we will sell the whole works and buy new furniture upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he is not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he has to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he is not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now sleeping. That is just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" ... even if it is true.

Video - The Making of a Model

Here's a great video demonstrating exactly how ordinary women are made up to look so glamerous. This video starts with a few morphs of actresses from Made-up to plain Jane, then show how transformations can be done in Photoshop.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Facts - The Mini-Skirt


Today, when practically anything goes in fashion, people have forgotten how revolutionary the mini-skirt was in its day. In the mid-'60s, when it caught on, it was more than a fashion-it was a philosophy, a political statement, a news event.

Here are some facts to remind you.

HISTORY. The mini-skirt was created by an English seamstress named Mary Quant. As a girl, Mary hated the straightlaced clothes grown-ups wore. So when she got older, she made unconventional clothes for herself. In 1955, she opened the world's first boutique in London, selling "wild and kinky" handmade clothes, like the ones she wore. She used bright colors, lots of plastic, and kept hemlines shorter than normal (though they weren't minis yet). Her fashions caught on with hip Londoners. They became known as "mod" (for modern) clothes, and Mary became a local celebrity.

In 1965, young girls in London were beginning to wear their dresses shorter than ever. Taking a cue from them, Quant began manufacturing skirts that were outrageously short for the time. She called them "mini-skirts." They took off like wildfire.

Later that year, respected French designer Andre Courreges brought the mini-skirt and go-go boots (his own creation) to the world of high fashion. This made the mini a "style" instead of a "fad" and inspired influential women-movie stars, models, heiresses-to shorten their skirts. But the largest American clothing manufactur­ers weren't sure whether to hop on the mini bandwagon until the day in 1965 that Jackie Kennedy appeared in public with a short­ened hemline. After that, it was full speed ahead.

The mini fad lasted for less than a decade. But it permanently al­tered the concept of what was acceptable in women's attire, and helped break down traditional barriers for women in other areas of society.

The Meaning of the Mini-Skirt, Part I

In 1965, Mary Quant, creator of the mini-skirt, was asked to reveal the meaning of the mini-skirt. Her reply: "Sex."

The Meaning of the Mini-Skirt, Part II

"Without a doubt, the pill bred the mini, just as it bred the topless bathing suit by Rudi Gemreich in 1964- They were intended to prove that women were in control of their destiny and could choose whom they wished to mate with."
-In Fashion, by Prudence Glyn


Today, the mini-skirt is a fashion, not a political issue, but in the '60s, it was a major controversy. Here's how some people reacted:

• In the Vatican: Women in mini-skirts were not allowed to ente Vatican City.

• In the Malagasy Republic: An anti-mini-skirt law went into ef­fect in 1967. Violators were subject to ten days in jail.

• In the Congo: In 1967 police arrested three hundred women wearing mini-skirts, which were banned.

• In Venezuela: Churches in Caracas put up signs telling people to give up their minis or "be condemned to hell."

• In Egypt: Women in minis were subject to a charge of indecent behavior. This law was passed because two women wore mini-skirt in the center of the city and caused a two-hour traffic jam.

• In Zambia: Gangs of youths roamed the streets assaulting girls in mini-skirts and forcibly lowering their hemlines. After a week, the war against mini-skirts was declared officially over when women went on television and said they "realized their mistake."

• In Greece: Anyone wearing a mini-skirt was jailed.

• In the Philippines: A congressman proposed that mini-skirts be banned. But the proposal was withdrawn when a congresswoman threatened to retaliate by outlawing elevator shoes.

• In Rio De Janeiro: In 1966, a sixty-three-year-old man on a bus was overcome when a young woman wearing a mini-skirt crossed her legs in the seat next to him. He bit her on the thigh and was sentenced to three days in jail.

• In the U.S.A.: Disneyland outlawed mini-skirts: the gatekeep­ers measured the distance from the woman's knee to her hemline and restricted her entrance until she ripped out the hem.

In most schools during the '60s, if the hem of a dress didn't touch the floor when a girl was kneeling, it was considered a mini, and the guilty party was sent home. "And don't come back until you look respectable, young lady."

Fun Photos

She can eat anything she wants - but it goes right to her thighs!


Humor - Redneck

You might be a high-tech redneck if ...

Your e-mail address ends in ""

You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".

If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop".

Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson".

You have ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

You wire your network with jumper cables.

Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

You have ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".

Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver.

You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

Your spellchecker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.

You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Smith & Wesson ... the original point 'n click interface.

When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yeah, thanks. It is my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

When you order your new pickup truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.

Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

You only buy from GateWay, because the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

Video - Granny Bike Ride

This video is short and funny - except it must be a put-on. Can't be too many people stupid enough to jump on a bike on a hill just above a mud pit believing that somehow they won't get muddy.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Jokes - 3 Dillies

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.


A description of the perfect morning: You sit down to breakfast and your girlfriend's pic­ture is in Playboy, your son's picture is on the Wheaties box and your wife's picture is on the milk carton.

Israeli police are conducting a house-to-house search for two men who pulled off a daring day­light train robbery. According to witnesses, the masked pair held passengers at gunpoint, then escaped with $7.50 in cash and $10,000,000 in pledges.

Signs of the Times

Video - Dancing Cats

This is a great video of dancing cats.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Joke - Raffle

The clothing-store owner became suspicious of one of his clerks when he discovered that the man lived in a penthouse and drove a Ferrari, on a salary of $90 a week. When confronted by his boss, the man explained that he was selling 2000 raffle tickets a week at one dollar apiece.

"What exactly are you raffling off?" the store owner asked.

"My pay check," the clerk answered.

Fun Photos

The ever-popular wedgie - with a twist. She's already wearing a thong which, by definition, is a built-in wedgie.

I worked with this girl all day and must tell you - she's got a terrible speech impediment.

It's rather sad when your employer has to trash you just before he fires you!

Looks like this fella is missing a few bones in his face. Oh, wait - that's a sandwich he's posing with! Ha ha!

Joke - The Boyfriend

"My God, Helen," Joyce exclaimed as she bumped into her old friend on the street, "you've lost so much weight, I almost didn't recognize you."

"It's my boyfriend," Helen sighed. "He insults me terribly and doesn't let me eat."

"For heaven's sake, why don't you dump him?"

"Oh, I'm going to-just as soon as I lose ten more pounds."

Video - Squirrels

Here's a funny video of a new device to help you keep squirrels off your bird-feeder.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Joke - Family Feud

A married couple was driving down the inter­state when the wife said, "Herb, I want a di­vorce."

The husband said nothing but slowly increased his speed. "I've been having an affair with your best friend," she continued, "and he's a better lover than you are. I want the house, the kids, the car, the checking account and the credit cards. Is there anything you want?" she finally asked.

"No, I have everything I need."

"You do?"

Just before they hit a wall at 90 rnph, he replied, "Yep. I've got the air bag."

Video - Shera Ad

Watch this funny, yet somehow tragic lovestory about Shera ceiling tiles.

Joke - The First

As she prepared to get into bed with her date, the young woman burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl."

"I know, I know," he said soothingly.

"You're the first one," she whimpered.

"The first one to make love to you?"

"No," she replied. "The first one to believe me."

Cartoon Time

(Click any image for a larger view)

Joke - Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!"

Video - Rachmaninov had big Hands

This is a funny video of a guy playing a tough piece on the piano.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Joke - Late Date

A young secretary was de­scribing her date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apart­ment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.

"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."

Cartoon Time

(Click any image to view larger)