Friday, May 22, 2009

A New Golfer's Handbook

The following is reported to be the chapters to a new golf book. Someone obviously has been watching me play, and I'm going to demand my share of the gum!

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Chapter 10 - When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 19- Throwing Your Club s: An Effective stress-Reduction Technique.
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl
and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

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