Joke time

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment, beaten and roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What in the world happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager!"

"Whatever for?" she asked. "I've never known you to fight before!"

"It was a point of honor," he said.

"What do you mean," she asked.

"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

"I can see why you'd be upset at that," she said as she starting applying cold compresses to his wounds.

"I should hope so!" he said, wincing.

"I'll bet," she said, thinking the idea through, "that it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor!"

Joke time

The police knocked on a door, and when the man of the house answered, an officer held up a picture and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?"

"Yes it is," the man answered.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus," the officer said.

"I know," the man answered, "but she has a great personality."

Joke time

A couple who had been married for many years wound up in divorce court. The judge asked the husband, "Is it true that during the past three years of your marriage you haven't spoken to your wife?"

The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquired.

He replied, "My mother always told me not to interrupt a woman when she's speaking."

Joke time

One evening a woman arrived home to discover her husband sitting at the kitchen table, staring at their marriage certificate.

"Why are you looking at that?" she asked.

"I'm trying to find the expiration date," he replied.

Joke time

Just before his son was to be married, a man decided to offer him some fatherly advice.

"Son, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and told her to try them on. She did and then she said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' We've never had any problems since then."

Impressed, the son decided to try the same tactic as his father. That night in his honeymoon suite, he took off his pants, handed them to his new wife and told her to try them on.

"But they're too large," she said. "They won't fit me."

"Exactly," he replied. "I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

His wife then took off her panties, handed them to him and told him to try them on.

"I can't get into your panties," he said, astonished.

"Exactly," his wife replied, "and if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Joke time

As the anesthesia wore off after his back surgery  a man slowly opened his eyes and saw his wife sitting by his hospital bed.

"You're so beautiful," he said and promptly fell back asleep.

Since his wife hadn't heard her husband say anything that sweet in years, she decided to stay by his bedside. Half an hour later his eyes fluttered open again, and when he saw her he said, "You're so cute."

"Cute?" she said, unable to hide her disappointment. "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Joke time

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. 

"I love you so much," she said, "I don't know how I could ever live without you."

"Is that you or the wine talking?" her husband asked.

"It's me," she said, "talking to the wine."