Friday, March 31, 2006

Nerd's Dream and 2 Jokes

A man walks into a bar and notices Van Gogh sitting at the end of the bar.

He orders a beer and asks Van Gogh, "Do you need a beer?"

Van Gogh replies, "I got one 'ere."

A politician visits an Indian Reservation.

He makes a stump speech and is greeted at each talking point by cries of "Booyah! Booyah!" He figures that the speech is going really well because of the enthusiastic yells. "Booyah! Booyah!"

Afterward the the Chief is showing him around the reservation.

"This is our stable," said the Chief leading the politician into the animal barn. "Be careful not to step in the booyah."

Humor Toyota video

Click the title of this post or click on the image at right to view a funny Toyota commercial. Adult theme.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Humor: Owl Video

Click the title of this post or click on the image to watch a pretty funny video of a startled owl.

Humor: Excited About Christmas Video

Click the title of this post or click on the image to watch a pretty funny video of some excited kids on Christmas morning.

Humor: Fainting Goats Video

Click the title of this post or click the image to watch a news video of some pretty funny animals.

Funny Animation and a Joke

What do you get when you toss a grenade into the kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a strip club and find a table.

After a bit of entertainment, the Englishman pulls out $10, licks it, and slaps it on the rear of the lady of negotiable virtue.

The Irishman, not wanting to be out done, pulls out a $20 note, licks it and does the same.

The Scotsman looks at the Englishman and Irishman, pulls out his credit card swipes it between her cheeks and walks off with $30.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Funny Pic and two Jokes

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt


A guy drives up to a farmhouse and knocks on the door. You see, he's a wealthy man, and the farmer's daughters have reputations of being absolutely stunning.

The farmer answers and the guy introduces himself. "You see, sir, I am a very rich man, but I am unmarried and need a wife to bear my children and carry on my name. As your daughters have the reputation of being up to my standards, I'd like to marry one."

The farmer thinks, and then says, "All right." Money's tight and this guy seems nice enough. He's handsome, too.

The farmer goes into the parlor and gets his firstborn daughter. She's brunette, 25, and an absolute knockout. The man and the brunette go out on a date, but the man comes back saddened. He tells the farmer that this daughter's face, well, it's too angular, you see. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough.

Farmer goes, and gets his second daughter. 23, blonde, and even more beautiful than his firstborn. They go out, and the same result. She's a little cross-eyed. Not so much as you'd notice, you understand, but enough.

The farmer's getting frustrated. He goes and gets his last daughter- 21, redhead, and looks like she just stepped out of every man's fantasy. The wealthy man is starstruck. He must have her.

A dowry is agreed on, they wed, and two months later, she finds she's pregnant. When the child is born, it's the ugliest kid on earth. Cross-eyed, lumpy skull, weird birthmarks, the works. He doesn't even look like his father.

How could this be, the man asked his father in law the farmer. He is handsome, his bride is beautiful, how could they have such a butt-ugly kid?

The farmer grins, looks over, and says "Well, it's like this. When you married her, she was just a little bit pregnant. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough."

Humor: Video

Click the title of this post or click on the image to view a funny video on homosexual dangers from the 1950's.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Funny Pic and a Joke

A guy wakes up one morning, and as he's walking downstairs he feels a bit of intestinal gas building up... He cocks a cheek and lets out a toot, but it doesn't sound normal... In fact, it comes out sounding like a thunderingly loud "HOOOONDA!"

"That was weird," he thinks... He goes to work, and tries to squeak one off secretly in the elevator, but it too comes out as an incredibly loud "HOOOONNNNDA!!!"

This happens time and again for weeks... It's ruining his life! Every time he tries to break wind, it makes the same strange, loud noise! His girlfriend leaves him, his job as a salesman is going down the tubes, he goes to innumerable doctors, but they're all baffled. He's at a complete loss.

Driving home from yet another unsuccessful trip to the doctors, he sees a Honda dealership. In desperation, he goes in and grabs the manager by the collar and tries to make his plight clear to him.

The manager is alarmed at this nutjob, but finally gets it when the guy rips off another "HOOOONNNNNDAAA!!!"

The manager has no idea how to deal with this, but he gives the guy the phone number for the Chief Doctor of the Honda corporation, just to get the weirdo out of his office.

So the guy calls the chief doctor and explains his strange malady... The doctor ponders this, and says to him:

"You know, I think you need to go to dentist... Maybe there something wrong with your mouth..."

The guy is thinking that the doctor is approaching the problem from the wrong end, but since nothing else has worked, he goes to the dentist anyway.

As it turns out, the dentist finds an abcess on the guy's gum, which he treats.

The next day, the guy wakes up and feels some gas again... He's resigned to hearing the same loud "HONNNDAAA!" again...

But it comes out as a quiet "prrrt!"

He's estatic! He eats burritos for breakfast, and quite happily "prooot!" and "pbbbbts!" all morning, so relieved that his farts are back to normal.

He calls the Chief Doctor back, and thanks him profusely.

"But doctor, how did you ever know about my abcessed tooth?"

"Ah... You know, when I studied in Amelica, I always heard a stlange phlase you have... I never understood what it meant until I hear of your ploblem..."

"I am sure you hear of the phlase 'Abcess make the fart go honda?'"

Humor: Video

Click on the title of this post or click on the image to view a 4 to 5 minute animated cartoon that's pretty well done.

Monday, March 27, 2006

A Funny and a Joke

A man is driving down a country road one evening when his car breaks down. He walks a couple of miles until he reaches a monastery.

The monks there are friendly and helpful, and they give him a warm meal, a place to sleep, and a phone to call for repairs in the morning.

During the night, the man hears the most unusual scratching noises coming from somewhere within the walls of the monastery, and so in the morning before the cab he calls arrives, he asks, "Last night in bed, I heard the strangest scratching sounds. Do you know what they were?"

The monks all fall silent, and one steps forward and says, "Yes, we know, but we cannot tell you what they were, because you are not a monk."

The man is disappointed by this, but he thanks the monks for their generosity and leaves.

Ten years later, the man is traveling down the same road, and his car breaks down again. He returns to the monastery, and the monks feed him and provide a room for him to sleep in.

During the night, the man hears the same strange scratching noises that he heard all those years ago, and so in the morning, he asks yet again what the noises were. The monks tell him, "We know what these noises are, but we cannot tell you, because you are not a monk."

The man's curiosity is piqued and he insists that he has to know. "What must I do to become a monk, then?" the man asks.

"To become a monk, you must travel the world and learn all there is to know. When you return and tell us how many grains of sand there are, and how many blades of grass there are, you can join our monastery."

So, the man goes out into the world, and seventy years later, he returns to the monastery.

"Have you learned how many blades of grass and grains of sand there are on Earth?" they ask him.

The man knows the answer, and the monks welcome him.

"Can I now know what was making those noises?" the man asks.

"It is right this way," one of the monks says, and leads him to a wooden door. The man tries to open the door, but it is locked.

"Can I have the key?" the man asks.

"Of course," replies the monk, and he hands him the wooden key.

Behind the wooden door is an iron door. This door too is locked, and the man asks for the key.

The monk hands him an iron key to open the iron door, which leads to a steel door.

Behind the steel door is a copper door, and then a silver door, and a gold door. This leads to doors made of ruby, emerald, sapphire, and diamond.

The man asks for the key for each one, and each door is unlocked.

Finally, the man comes to a door made from a strange black material.

"This is the final door," says the monk, as he hands the man the final key.

The man inserts the key, turns it, and pushes open the door to reveal a room, in which is sitting the source of that strange scratching sound he heard all those years ago.

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Humor: Video

Click on the title of this post or on the image at right to watch a pretty funny ad for Bush Beer - a guy's tongue goes wandering.

Some Humor and Some Jokes

How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler.

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

He was a fungi.

Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasn't mushroom.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Humor: Beauty?

Joke Time

A blonde walks into a bar...And says, "Ouch."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're too bitter.