Steven Wright gems
from Bits & Pieces by Jonco
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1. Half the people you know are below average.
2. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
3. 42.7% of statistics cited by people in arguments are made up on the spot.
4. A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.
7. What’s the speed of dark?
8. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
10. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
12. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
14. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
15. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
17. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have any film.