Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Joke Time
3 Quickies

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had four doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign above the sink that said, "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, there was another sign above the soap dispenser that said, "Thoap!"

Two women, a blonde and a brunette, were eating breakfast.

A cell phone rang several times. The brunette asked, "Why don't you answer your phone?"

The blonde said, "It can't be mine. No one knows I'm here."
Mom Had a Bad Day

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Humor Time

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
Interesting Animated GIF

Joke Time
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you something...."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to be embarrassed. I get asked that all the time."

"You do?!" Catherine asked.

"Sure," he says. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Funny Signs

Joke Time

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Viral Video

This is a slower-paced video, but it is a humorous look at all of the videos - just like this one - that are viewable through the tubes of the Internets.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Joke Time

While walking down the streeet one day, a senator is tragically hitby a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seemsthere is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down ... down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middleof a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf; and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but Ithink I would be better off in hell."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down ...back down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here andthere was a golf course and clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Cartoon Time

Humor List
Why athletes can't (and shouldn't) have regular jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Fun Images

Her dogs must be getting tired.

Friendly Dog

Thursday, November 23, 2006


PMS Survival Guide
This is a very funny video (takeoff on 1950's educational films) for adult men...


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. In this video Tavin shares his thoughts on Turkey Day with us

Humor Time
Some lesser known rules of the universe...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Animated GIF

Joke Time

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating...."
Sign Fun
(click any image for a larger view)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

David Letterman features Kirstie Alley in a bikini on Oprah

Joke Time

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars, and they needed someone very special since only one person could go -- and it was a one-way mission: they couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked why he was most qualified and how much he wanted to be paid.

"I'm an engineer, so the mission would have the most chance for success because I can fix anything that goes wrong. As for pay," he said, "I want a million dollars because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. "I'm a doctor, so I'd be able to keep myself alive to achieve the mission goals. I'd like $2 million: a million to my family, and the rest would be to fund the rest of my work on a technology I just invented that would save thousands of lives."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"How are you more qualified," asked the interview panel, "and why do you want so much more money?"

"Well," the lawyer replied, "Clearly the doctor is full of himself; if you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
Thanksgiving Cartoons

Joke Time
3 quickies

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Q. What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

A: Paddy O'Furniture

Q: What do you call an Irishman that bounces off the walls?

A: Rick O'Shea
Fun Images
Fence surfing at the races.

Maybe I'd do this - in the desert - if I was dying.

Nothing starts the day like a hug!

Cuter than cute!

Just what are these guys doing with these sheep?

Joke Time

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.

He then traveled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Ireland to see if the Irish had the same telephone. He arrived in Dublin, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Ireland now, son - it's a local call".
Japanese Magician in Public

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Top Bike Ad
(some nudity)

I couldn't get this video to embed within this message post, so here's the direct link.
Oreiental Quck Stripper

Richards Apologizes

Michael Richards apologizes on David Letterman's show for his racist outburst on stage.

Click here to watch the video.
Joke Time

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said, "They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000."

"I don't believe it," the host responded.

"It's true, I swear it," said the woman.

"Well, how did it happen," the man asked, a bit suspicious.

"I had a complicated personal injury case," the woman said, "and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer told me I wouldn't have to pay him the difference."
Fun Signs and Posters

Joke Time
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
A: Counselor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 15?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Cartoon Time

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Great Dive

Humor Time

Fractured similes

I don't know where these are originally from, or even from which side of the pond they originated. I have seen them mostly attributed to students' essays from the UK or the United States; but the cultural references are mixed, and by this point most of the lists seem to have adopted American spelling and phrasing. I seem also to remember a bad metaphor contest help at some point? Rest of the world gets off the hook ... this time!

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Toyota Ad

Spring Breakers

Joke Time

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
Animated GIFs
(you may have to click on each one to see the animation)

Joke Time

While visiting the homes of his parishioners, a new pastor discovered that, at one house, although it was obvious someone was at home, no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a business card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back, and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday, he discovered that his card had been returned in the collection plate, with a note written below his: Genesis 3:10.


Revelation 3:20 begins:
Behold, I stand at the door and knock.

Genesis 3:10 reads:
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.
Fun Images
Some days you just get really lucky...
The plan - wait until he catches a few, then push him in...

It's never as much fun to drink alone.