Joke Time

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Fun Images and Some Jokes

Fun Images

Joke Time: Some Observations on Men v. Women

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Fun Images and a Joke

They Also Vote

True Stories (?) collected by someone.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home You want It, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed The sign to read: "Fridge for sale: $50". The next day someone stole it!!!

Caution! These people Vote!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...

She ALSO votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call Center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days A week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific Time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .

My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .

SHE ALSO votes!

And you wonder why 29% of the population still thinks President Bush is doing a good job as President?

Humor: Blind Dates; Joke Time

(Click image for a larger view)

Joke Time: 2 Dumb Jokes

What do you get if you cross a freeway with a bicycle?

Killed.
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A man went into a popular Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at the bar until a table was available. The bar­tender asked, "What would you like?"

The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender paused for a moment, then said, "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs…”

Fun Images and Funny Business Signs

Fun Images: Big Girls

Humor: Business Signs

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Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
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At a proctologist's door:"
To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"
Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an electrician's truck:"
Let us remove your shorts."
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On a maternity room door:"
Push. Push. Push!"
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At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet- miss a car payment."
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Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a restaurant window:"
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a propane filling station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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Fun images and a Joke

Fun Images

Joke Time: Happy Ending - Female Style

A well-to-do couple had just gone through a nasty divorce. Through the months of haggling with lawyers and judges, the husband remained adamant about getting their beautiful home in the settlement. Even though she loved her home, the wife finally caved in when it became clear that the judge was leaning torward allowing the husband to keep the house in exchange for a healthy alimony payment. And so it came to pass that the wife was given just three days to pack up and move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and
airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was
about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Fun Images and a Joke

Fun Images

Exercise Program for Older Computer Nerds...

When you're over 40, it's smart to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Remember: always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Ready? OK, then scroll down:


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Continue Scrolling Down
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A Little Farther...
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That's enough for the first day. Great job!
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When finished, break for a beer.

Fun Images and a Joke

Fun Images

Joke Time (Adult Language)

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

Scroll Down..YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

Funny Images and Natural Laws

Funny Images

Joke Time: Natural Laws

You are probably aware of -

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will.

What follows are some corollaries to Murph's Law.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

Humor and a Joke

Humor: Funny Images

Joke Time - Lars

Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved. But when Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood, the priest was immediately called in and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

Funny Images and a Joke

Funny Images: Kiddie Time!

Joke Time: VP Dick

After five years of toil as second banana, Dick Cheney was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed Cheney:

"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to become President," said the devil, "So I've come here with an offer. I'll make you President, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."

Cheney looked puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Funny Images and Jokes

Joke Time - Pickin' on Folks

Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down?

There's nothing worth craping on!
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What do a tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?

Someone always loses a trailer.
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There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Funny Photos and a Joke

Joke Time: Skipping Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

Unsure what to do, the blonde quietly sneaks out of the house, drives around until her normal quitting time, and returns home without saying anything.

The next day at work, the gals get together. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"I met a great guy!" says the redhead.

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Humor and Jokes

Humor: Sign Language

(click any image for a larger view)

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Joke Time: Redneck Security

Wireless home security systems aren't just for rich folk. Here's how rednecks do it:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots. A really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of American Rifleman magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says: "Bubba, big Mike and me have gone to get more ammunition. Back in a half hr. Oh, and don't disturb the Pit Bulls -- they's just been wormed."
5. Pop a cold one and relax.

Funny Photos: Cartoon

Fat Lip!

Distorted!

Big Surprise!

Joke Time: After the Coma

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are just fine."

"After all this time," she said, "do they have names?"

"Yes ma'am," the doctor replied. "Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what did he name them?"

"The girl is Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother said, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

2 Funny Pictures and Joke Time

Joke Time: New Rules

New Rule

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a--hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a--hole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Fun Photos and a Joke

3 Interesting Photographic Studies on Women

(click any image for a larger view)

Joke Time: Nerds

Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Funny photo and a joke

Baby Funnies (click the image for a larger view)

Joke Time: John Paul

God comes down to Pope John Paul II a few days before he died and says to the Pope, "Pope, you've been a good Pope. I like you. You know you'll be here in a few days, but I wanted to give you a gift...anything in the world you want to get rid of, you name it, it's done."

John Paul thought a minute. "Hmmm, well, that's awful considerate of you, Lord. I guess I'm gonna have to say Polish jokes. I know nationalism is a kind of pride, but well, this is where I was born, and I have a natural affinity for my homeland. Polish jokes just tend to hurt us, and me, and stereotype us unfairly."

God says, "No problem." Snaps his fingers, and bam, no Polish jokes, past, present or future. "Anything else?"

Pope shakes his head, "Nope, that's it."

So God and JP are sitting there drinking tea and eating crumpets, when God says, "Well, John Paul, it's time for me to go. But before I do, are you sure there's not anything else you want to get rid of."

JP pauses, "M&M's."

God says surprised, "M&M's? Wow. I thought they were harmless enough, but if they have to go, they have to go. Can I ask why?"

Pope says, "Well, I'm not getting any younger, and they're just getting harder and harder to peel."

Baby Fun: click image to enlarge.

Joke time - Dumb and Tasteless Jokes

What's green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.
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Where is best place to hide an Indian's welfare cheque?

Under his work boots
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Why don't women need driver licences?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Funny Photo and Joke Time

Humor: Before and After

Joke Time: Pretty Punny!

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

The rival florist went to visit and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friar's to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, the friar's closed down their business, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars