Maxine Cartoons

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

There were two evil brothers who were rich and used their money to hide their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of the sudden, one of the brothers died. The surviving brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." He went on in this vein for a small time, and the surviving brother was clearly fuming in his seat.

"But," the pastor concluded, "compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

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Joke Time

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.

Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."

The man says nothing.

The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."

The man just stares at him.

"In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Cartoon Time

Cute Game

Click here to visit a web site with a cute little Shockwave game in which you try to balance a stick on a finger. Should entertain you for a few minutes, anyway.

Joke Time

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

Your friend,
Monica

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Free, Online Word Processor

From Boing Boing

Google has re-lauched Writely, the online word-processor they recently bought, in public beta. Writely does everything most things Word does, for free -- and saves its output as PDFs and even RSS feeds (subscribe to a word-processor doc!). It features collaborative editing -- multiple editors on the same doc at once -- and can be used as the editor for writing your blog, saving out to a post instead of a file on your machine. This is a great-looking program for people who have always-on Internet, and for so long as you don't worry about the NSA demanding that Google turn over its Writely files as part of some "security" procedure. Link (via Vertical Hold)

Joke Time

Two missionaries are looking down into jungle clearing at hundreds of natives gathered around a stone likeness of a huge zero.They strain to hear what they're all chanting, but finally make it out: "Nulll, nulll, nulll...".

"My God!" one says quietly to the other. "Is nothing sacred?"

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Joke Time

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

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Joke Time

Prince Charles was driving on his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favor­ite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out of his car and sat down on the grass, distraught. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up and polished it off. A genie appeared and said, "You have freed me from thousands of years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Prince Charles said, "I have all the things I need, but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?"

The genie looked at the dog and said, "The dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana," Prince Charles said, showing the genie the first photo. "The whole country loved her. But we divorced and then she died. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla."

He showed the genie the second photo, then said, "Camilla isn't the beauty Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."

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Joke Time

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out along the road and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

Over the course of the next week, each day he would take the cat further away from home than he had the day before, drop it off in some remote area, and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive twenty miles out of town, turn right, then left, he crossed a bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife, "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Crazy News Story

from This Is True

In 2001, Katherine Knight of New South Wales, Australia, pleaded guilty to charges she stabbed John Price, her common law husband, 37 times. Police found his skin hanging from a meat hook, his head cooking on the stove, and discovered she had fed slices of his roasted buttocks to his children. The judge, noting her history of violent assault against domestic partners and her "coolness of planning" of the murder, sentenced her to life in prison. But now, defense attorneys complain a life sentence is "too harsh," and such a penalty should be reserved only for "the worst category of murder." Prosecutors oppose the appeal, noting evidence showed Knight enjoyed mutilating Price. Her defense lawyer retorts Knight, now 50, has a "personality disorder" that wasn't taken into account during her sentencing. (Brisbane Courier Mail)

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