Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied, “you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?” I am now blocked.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers… if you do find one, what’s your plan?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.
Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that type of income.
I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt.
In the 1980’s I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then.
Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk … I got sour and chunky.
Dear Sneeze: If you’re going to happen, happen. Don’t just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.
I still have a full deck… I just shuffle slower.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
No comments:
Post a Comment