Tiger's mistresses gather for the press conference

Andy Borowitz often posts some funny stuff on his web site and in his emails.

With Tiger Woods’ much-anticipated press conference set for Friday morning, thousands of the golf legend’s mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the proceedings on the stadium’s giant Jumbotron.

Traffic snarled for miles as the vehicles filled with cocktail waitresses, restaurant hostesses and Playboy models clogged the streets leading to the storied baseball venue.

Good News For Toyota Owners

TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”

“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”

But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.

“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”