Joke time

A Salute to Rodney Dangerfield

A 21-joke salute to comedian Rodney (who died in 2004 at age 82) -- his best one-liners.

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1. I was so poor growing up! If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I don't get no respect!
From Rodney Dangerfield

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They give me 2 to 1 I don't make it.

I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years but I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."

My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhh."