I don't get no respect!
From Rodney Dangerfield

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They give me 2 to 1 I don't make it.

I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years but I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."

My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhh."