Santa is happy.

Santa

Santa is beginning to celebrate a little early this year and is caught on a security camera.

Mom is Santa

Santa gets zapped

Santa's pissed!

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde. I'm going south for the season!!

Santa Fall Down, Go Boom

Bubba Claus

(from Miss Cellania by Miss Cellania)

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words " Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

----Santa

The Perfect Couple - A Christmas Story

Yep - yet another Shockwave download - this one is an interactive story about the perfect couple on a Christmas road trip.

Perfect Couple.Swf

Christmas - Fun Images

Santa's Reindeer - Downloadable

Here's another Shockwave Flash cartoon video for you to download for the holiday season. In this one, Santa and his reindeer are gathered around the piano. As you click on each of the deer, he/she contributes to the song being played.

Santa's Reindeer

Santa Tackles a Shoplifter

Christmas Mistake - Cartoon

Santa On Cops

This is a funny animation clip of Santa getting stopped by the cops - NOT FOR KIDS.

Santa Uses The Toilet

PG Rated

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Yet another Shockwave download for Christmas - this one features Santa playing the piano and his reindeer sing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" if you click on each one.

Santa playing piano.swf

White Christmas Shockwave

Another Shockwave download for Christmas. This one features Santa and his reindeer singing a jazzy version of White Christmas.

merryxmas.swf

Santa - Is He A She?

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa Claus is a woman.

Think about it: Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy (and a "straight' guy at that!) could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail. (But then, I've never had a reply from Santa....)
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Source: Unknown

Christmas Pug

Download a Shockwave Christmas story called Christmas Pug. Cute and a little sappy.

Christmas Pug.Swf

Christmas Fun

Santa's Big Surprise