Joke for the day

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Time for a bad joke...

A husband and wife in their sunset years had been married 60 years and were talking in loving terms about their anniversary. The husband told the wife: "Thelma, I have always wanted to know what you keep in that old hope chest of yours in the attic. Can I take a peek inside?"

"I guess we've been married long enough Sam, what can it matter? Let's go up and you may have a look."

They both make their way to the attic. The husband takes the key from his wife of all those years and opens the lid. Inside the chest is $9,915.00 in cash and three ears of corn. "Why three ears of corn? What does that signify for you?" asks Sam.

"Well, i suppose it was long ago, so here is the truth: every time I was unfaithful in our marriage and slept with another man, I put away an ear of corn" replied Thelma.

The husband is shocked: but after some reflection he thinks... 60 years of a great marriage to a wonderful woman, three ears of corn from long ago, I have no reason for complaint. "Well, it is all OK Thelma, all is forgiven. You've been an otherwise good wife for many years, and I will treasure that forever, " Sam replied. After a little while he added: "Just out of curiosity, there is almost $10,000 here, where on earth did you get it?"

Thelma blushed slightly, then responded: "Well, every time I had a bushel, I sold it."

Just a dumb ol' joke

Driving along a country back road, a man’s engine died. He pulled the auto off the road, stopping by a field of grazing cattle. He got out, lifted the hood, and peered helplessly at all the wires and hoses.

“I suspect your problem,” came a voice from behind him, “is with the carburetor.”

The man looked toward the field, but all he saw was a big cow leaning its head over the barbed wire and into the engine compartment.

The man ran down the road as fast as he could. At the nearest farmhouse, he told the farmer the whole story.

“Was it a big tan cow," asked the farmer, “with a white spot over the left eye?”

‘Yes,” shrugged the man, “yes, it was!”

“Oh, I wouldn't pay any attention to Bessie," said the farmer. “She doesn't know the first thing about cars.”

More Modern Management Theory - Humor

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

The Preacher (Joke)

The preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sundays, so he learned hypnosis. He began preaching his sermons in a monotone. He swung a watch slowly in front of the lectern, and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!" and the collection plate was full of twenty-do11ar bills. It worked for weeks.

The congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the watch swinging, and when he said, "Giye!" they gave everything they had.

Then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher said, "Oh, crap!"

Redneck joke

Two rednecks were standing around talking one afternoon while 'working' on a car and downing a few beers.

After a while the first redneck says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second redneck leaned his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally he says, “Well I don’t know about related, but I reckon that makes us even.”

One day at the beach

A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says, "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please,I beg of you. Send him back safely."

And, 1o, another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said, "He had a hat"

A shark tale

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the floating survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son," the Dad shark said to the Son shark. They swam to the mass of people.

 "First," the Dad shark instructs, "we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our dorsal fin showing."

"Like this, Dad?" the younger shark asks.

"Well done, Son! Next we swim around them a few more times with all of our dorsal fin showing."

"OK," the boy says, really getting into it.

"And only now do we eat everybody."

And they did, eating all the terrified humans.

When they were both fully sated and gorged, the Son shark asked Dad shark, "Gee, Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right away? Why did we have to swim around and around them in circles first?"

Well, son," the wise Dad shark replied, "because they taste a whole lot better without all that crap inside!"

Quickie

Time for today's quickie...

    I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
    ---George Carlin

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Time for a quickie? Let's do it!

You can tell that someone's not actually intelligent when they use complex words to try to sound sagacious.
 ---Jonco Stl on G+

I hope it was good for you too!

Quickie

Time for today's quickie.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
---George Carlin

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Quickie

A little quickie?

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. 

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Got time for a little quickie?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
---George Carlin

I hope you enjoyed it.

Quickie

Got time for a quickie? Here we go!

I called this girl I had met recently asked her if she was free Saturday night.
She said no, but she would be reasonable.

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Today's quickie...

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
---George Carlin

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Let's enjoy a quickie...

 #GIF
 "It's pronounced jif." -  Steve Wilhite, inventor of GIF
"No, it's not." - inventor of the letter G
Jonco Stl on G+

I hope it was good for you too!

Quickie

Time for today's quickie!!!

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Hey, it's time for the quickie of the day...

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
---George Carlin

I hope it was good for you too.

Quickie

Here's a quickie for today...

I'm anxious about starting my new job at a restaurant tomorrow.
I can't wait.
---Jonco Stl on G+

I hope it was good for you as well.

Quickie

Time for today's quickie...

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.