Playing by the HUSBAND'S rules - 23 images

Here are 15 rules you can follow to make you appear more likable

Rules for life

RULES LEFT OUT OF "LIFE'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK" THAT WE SHOULD KNOW:

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check out three of your friends. If they're OK, guess what....
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. My law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Distribution: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

36 Rules For Women To Live By (From the Men)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question for which you don't want an answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the seasons. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot, your exboyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar and leave a note a week before on the bathroom mirror.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your own oil.

24. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

26. It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect to act like soap-opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how much prettier you are?

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the offramp, your saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.

Humor - Rules and Questions

Some Essential Rules and Questions About Life and Health

· * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· * Life is sexually transmitted.

· * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· * Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

· * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· * Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

· * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

· * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· * Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Humor - Rules for the Dog

The rules for the dog

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially-built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we will sell the whole works and buy new furniture upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he is not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he has to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he is not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now sleeping. That is just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" ... even if it is true.

Humor Time

Some lesser known rules of the universe...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.