Playing by the HUSBAND'S rules - 23 images

Joke time

A suspicious Los Angeles auto dealer decided finally to have it out with his wife. He bought a gun and went home.

He silently unlocked the door and tiptoed into the bedroom. Just as he suspected, his wife was in bed making love with some strange guy.

"Okay," he said, pointing the pistol at the guy, "You're going to get it now!"

"Please, Nick," pleaded his wife, "don't kill him until he shows you how to do it right."

Joke time

One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife that said, "Overall I am happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have certain needs, and given that you are 54 years old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the evening at a hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I hope you understand. I still love you and I will be home by midnight."

In response, his wife sent him an e-mail that said, "I received your e-mail and I understand  I too will be at a hotel tonight-with our 18-year-old pool boy. And being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you will surely realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so please don't bother to wait up."

Joke time!

One evening a man walked into a bar and proceeded to order one martini after another. With each one he would remove the olives and place them in a jar he had brought with him. When the jar was filled with olives and every martini had been consumed, the man got up and prepared to leave.

"Excuse me, sir," a patron said. "I have to ask because I'm so curious-what are you going to do with all of those?"

"Take them home to my wife," the man replied. "She sent me out for ajar of olives."

Joke Time

An electrical fire caused a man's barn to burn down one night, so the next day his wife called their insurance company to file a claim.

"We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want the money," she told the agent.

"Now hold on a minute," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

After a long pause the wife replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy I have on my husband."

Joke time

Two men were having drinks together when one said to the other, "A few days ago my wallet was stolen, and the person who took it has been using my credit cards all week."

"Why haven't you called the credit card companies to report them stolen?" his friend asked.

"Because the thief spends less money than my wife," the man replied.

Joke time

One evening a woman was having dinner at home with her husband and she said, "You know, dear, I had a physical today and the doctor told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

"Is that so?" the husband replied, rolling his eyes. "What did he have to say about your ass?"

"Oh, darling," his wife said, "I don't think your name came up in the conversation."

Joke time

A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband a week earlier.

"What seems to be the problem with the glasses, ma'am?" the clerk asked.

"I gave these to my husband, but they don't work," she replied. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Joke time

A man was having dinner at a friend's home when he noticed that his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like honey, darling, sweetheart and pumpkin. The man was impressed by his friend's effusive displays of affection because he knew the couple had been married more than 50 years. 

When the wife went into the kitchen to get coffee, the man told his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife by such sweet names."

"The truth is," the friend replied, "I forgot her name 10 years ago."

Joke time

A man came home from work one evening and found his wife in their bedroom, packing a suitcase.


"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm moving to Las Vegas," she said. "I heard that in Vegas I can get $300 to do what I do with you."

The man pulled out another suitcase and started packing his things.

"Where do you think you're going?" his wife asked.

"Well," he replied, "I have to see how the hell you manage to live on $600 a year."

Joke time

A wife was berating her husband. "You know, our neighbor gives his wife flowers all the time and takes her to nice places," she said. "Can't you do something like that?"

"Honey, I've wanted to for years," he answered, "but I was afraid you and he would be upset if I showered her with gifts and took her on a vacation."

Some guys...

Some guys know how to do it right.

An angry wife met her husband at the door. He had alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she said, "there's a good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Children's Guide to Growing Up: The Good Wife

Lovin' That Mule - Joke

An old East Texas farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, complain; nag, nag -- it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"Well," the farmer answered. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Controlled Husband

Jealous Husband (Video)

Humor - Retired Husband

Beware The Retired Husband

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, and Mrs. Fenton invites her husband to go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. The complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the Auto Department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Joke - Husbands

As a waitress was taking a couple's order, she noticed that the man was slowly sliding under the table. The woman didn't seem to notice. When she finished taking the order, the wait­ress asked, "Pardon me, madam. Is everything OK? Your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly replied, "No he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked through the front door."

Joke - Husband

Busy executive on the phone to his wife from the office:"Sorry for being in such a hurry this morning -- tell me, who was the gentleman in my bathrobe at the breakfast table?"