Sunday, December 12, 2010
Shopping
A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...
as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...
very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...
good looking as well .. cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam .. how may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'
He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."
as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...
very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...
good looking as well .. cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam .. how may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'
He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Married couple joke
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.’
‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck. Get the Hell away from me’.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.’
‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck. Get the Hell away from me’.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
What do they call your offspring?
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square
.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24″ WAIST and
34″ HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”
.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24″ WAIST and
34″ HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Big hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise".
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . .
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Interview with a retiree...
Interview with a Retiree
How many days in a week?
6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it might take all day.
What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
There's not enough time to get everything done.
Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
The term comes with a 10% discount.
Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Tied shoes.
Why do retirees count pennies?
They're the only ones who have the time.
What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
NUTS!
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
What do retirees call a long lunch?
Normal . . .
What is the best way to describe retirement?
The never ending Coffee Break.
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
What do you do all week?
Monday through Friday, NOTHING...
Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
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