Joke time

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss."

The feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get into positions to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be boss."

And so it went with the heart, the ears, the lungs, and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded it be made boss.

All of the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being made boss. The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon, the brain was feverish, the eyes were crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole!

How To Tell If You're An A**hole

Adult language...

Are you an asshole?
from Bits & Pieces by Jonco

If you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well, you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you’ve always been a fan… you are an asshole!

If you take up two parking spaces for one car… you are an asshole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)

If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie theater… you are an asshole!

If you complain about the government, yet don’t vote… you are an asshole!

If you drive 50 mph in the far left lane on the highway and don’t notice all the cars backed up behind you… you are an asshole!

If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon… you are an asshole!

If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair…you are an asshole!

If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don’t read because you don’t have time… you are an asshole!

If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair… you are an asshole!

If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)… you are an asshole!

If you are Christian Bale… you are an asshole!

If you put your makeup on while driving… you are an asshole!

If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green… you are an asshole!

If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off… you are an asshole!

If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics… you are an asshole!

If you think welfare is an occupation… you are an asshole!

If you talk shit about people without knowing the whole story… you’re an asshole!

If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds… you are an asshole!

If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can’t hear you… you are an asshole!

If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers…you are an asshole!

If you loudly entertain the whole bus/park/lobby/ beach/neighborhood with your boom box, car stereo or iPod blasting so loud in your ears that we can all still hear it… you are an asshole!

If you call for a pizza, tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants…you are an asshole!

If you write “U” instead of “you,” or “sux” instead of “sucks,” or “klik” instead of “click” or “kreative” instead of “creative”…you are an asshole!

If you think welfare is an occupation…you are an asshole!

If you ask every Asian person you meet, “Do you know karate?”… you are an asshole!

If you think only women should cook…you are an asshole!

If you hold people up in line at the store to pay for a one dollar pack of gum with a credit card… you are an asshole!

If you ask someone a question but don’t listen to the answer…you are an asshole!

When you are the boss and send out an email telling everyone in the office to show up on time and then stroll in 30 minutes late everyday and leave at 10 to five…you are an asshole!

If you make a list of what constitutes an asshole… you are an asshole!