Quickie

Here's today's quickie...

What's the worst part of being a priest?  You give up your sex life, and then once a week people come in to tell you the details of theirs.

Was it good for you too?

Joke - Renounce the Devil!

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

Joke - The Helpful Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!"

Joke - Feeling Guilty

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to Confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid someone will break dey leg, so I fix de hole.

Priest: Well, that's not so bad.

Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left.

Priest: What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: Well, my poor dog, Fideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta de weather, so I made him a doghouse.

Priest: OK, anything else?

Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So, you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I made a two car garage.

Priest: Now this is getting a little out of hand.

Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left.

Priest: Yes?

Boudreaux: Well, my wife, she always wanted a bigger house. So I added two bedrooms and a new bathroom.

Priest: OK, that's definitely too much. For your penance you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?

Boudreaux: No, Father, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber.

Joke - Father Patrick

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Joke - Modern Church

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I'm pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." But then the young priest could tell that his senior partner had a reservation.
"Is there a problem?" he asked.

"Yes," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "both confessions and the contributions in the collection plate have nearly doubled since we began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign -- "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell" -- just can't stay on the church roof!"

Joke Time

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up knowing that he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick, asking him to take over the mass for that day. As soon as the associate pastor had left the room, Father Norton was out the door, headed for a golf course a couple of hours away (so he would not accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish).

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone, utterly alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord and asked, "You are not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and answered, "No, I guess not."

Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, landed just short of it ... rolled up, and dropped neatly into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished: "Why in heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled. "Who is he going to tell?"