Saturn

This could ruin the whole sanctity of marriage thingie.

Fantastic toy for the religious child...

From Chuck's Fun Page 2

God Plays A Game

From Chuck's Fun Page 2

Joke - In The Garden

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . .. . ..

And Dog was happy. . . . ..

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....

Jimmy Talks To God

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

Joke - God's Not Happy

GOD looks down on earth one day and is concerned about what He sees. He calls St. Francis and the following conversation takes place:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST . FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They're called Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees . That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about......

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from Francis.

Joke - The World's Not Fair!

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."

"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Humor - Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Joke - God Will Provide

A young woman took her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study and began the usual grilling: "So, what are your plans?"

"I am a theology student," replied the young man.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will provide," explained the young man.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband how it had gone. "He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I am God."

Joke - Omniscience

The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table is a large pile of apples, with a note that had been added by one of the nuns: Take Only ONE. God Is Watching.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Joke - Yuppie Rivalry

The bitter rivalry between two single Yuppies for the sexual favors of beautiful women had been going on for years. One day, an angel appeared to one of them and said, "God has sent me to teach you a lesson. I will give you anything you ask for, but whatever you get, your neighbor will get twice as much. If you want wealth, you will be wealthy. But he will be twice as wealthy. If you want a big car, he will have one twice as big."

The young man grinned. "All right, then, give me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage license."

Joke - The Lord and Smith

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks to the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "Only as a minute seems to you."

Smith then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "Only as a penny seems to you."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Joke - Who's That?

After spending a pleasant first morning in heaven walking through the clouds, the new-arrival headed over to the cafeteria for lunch. He was surprised to find an enormous line stretching for blocks from the front door, but he dutifully took a place at the end of the line.

Fifteen minutes later, a tall old man with a large staff walked to the head of the line and was admitted at the cafeteria door.

"Say," grumbled the newcomer to the man next in line, "how does that guy rate?"

"Oh, that's Saint Jerome." the man replied. "He's a patriarch, you know."

Half an hour later, a dark-haired man carrying stone tablets walked to the front and was admitted, "Who was that?"

"That was Moses," the experienced man answered. "The lawgiver."

Finally, a short, gray-haired man with a long robe and a flowing heard made his way to the front of the line and was admitted.

"And who was that?"

"That was God," the man explained. "But He thinks He's a doctor."

Joke Time

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study and began the usual grilling: "So, what are your plans?"

"I am a theology student," replied the young man.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will provide," explained the young man.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband how it had gone. "He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I am God."

Joke Time

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.

He then traveled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Ireland to see if the Irish had the same telephone. He arrived in Dublin, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Ireland now, son - it's a local call".

Joke Time

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up knowing that he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick, asking him to take over the mass for that day. As soon as the associate pastor had left the room, Father Norton was out the door, headed for a golf course a couple of hours away (so he would not accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish).

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone, utterly alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord and asked, "You are not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and answered, "No, I guess not."

Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, landed just short of it ... rolled up, and dropped neatly into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished: "Why in heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled. "Who is he going to tell?"