The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
Showing posts with label IRS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IRS. Show all posts
Monday, May 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
A letter to the IRS
THE IRS LETTER...
Dear Sirs:
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to
your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I
claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned
whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and
expensive.
It's only fair,
since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government
(who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows
something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may
apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest,
Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her
to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It
doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a
boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've
had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close
together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day
if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.
He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of
time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice
principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976
numbers!).
Heather is an
alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one
year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it.
Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are
terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this
child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people
under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to
get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that
it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.
You denied two of
the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt
with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest
then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about
putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a
down payment on an airplane.
Sincerely,
---
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Joke - saving the choking victim
A father walks into a market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment: the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Naturally, the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches out of the air with his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!" the father says. "It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, taking another sip of his coffee. "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment: the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. Naturally, the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches out of the air with his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!" the father says. "It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, taking another sip of his coffee. "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Joke - Taxes
The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)