Religion and it's followers are suspect

Even a pigeon understands religious indoctrination.

The truth of it all...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in jeans, a loud shirt, a leather jacket and he's wearing a pair of nerdy sunglasses. St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I am Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Las Vegas."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven." The taxi driver goes off into heaven with his silken robe and his golden staff, and then it is the minister's turn.

The reverend stands erect and belts out, "I am Robert Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-five years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this wooden staff and this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute!" says the minister. "The man just before me was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be that I am treated worse than he is?"

"Up here we work by results," responds St. Peter. " While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Religious Humor

Today is Easter - probably not the best time to post this...

From Chuck's Fun Page 2

Comdeian Dave Allen on Religion - Video

Just Trying To Be Nice

A priest was performing last rites on a dying man. "Renounce the devil!" he said. "Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order, but still the dying man said nothing.

"Why do you refuse to renounce the devil?" the priest asked.

With a gasp, the man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Joke: Pastoral Visit

While visiting the homes of his parishioners, a new pastor discovered that, at one house, although it was obvious someone was at home, no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a business card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday, he discovered that his card had been returned in the collection plate, with a note written below his: Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 begins:
Behold, I stand at the door and knock.

Genesis 3:10 reads:
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.

Joke - Finding Jesus

A drunk stumbled upon a baptismal service by the river. "Son, are you ready to find Je­sus?" the cleric asked.

"Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him back up. "Have you found Jesus?"

"No, I haven't," the drunk replied.

The preacher dunked him again, for a bit longer. "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, not yet, Reverend."

The preacher held the man under for a full minute this time, then asked, "Have you found Jesus now?"

Gasping for air, the fellow blurted, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Joke - Preachers Compare

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".

Joke - Omniscience

Omniscience

The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table is a large pile of apples, with a note that had been added by one of the nuns: Take Only ONE. God Is Watching.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, is a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, and one of the children had added her own note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Video

Benny Hinn is a TV evangelist and faith-healer. Here's a video mash-up of Benny and a song called "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor." Pretty funny, unless you really buy into the faith healing phenomenon.

Joke Time

The phone rang in the church office early one morning. "May I speak to the head hog at the trough?" a man asked.

"If you're referring to the preacher," the startled secretary replied, "then you may refer to him as Pastor or Brother, hut please don't call him the head hog at the trough!"

"Well," the fellow said, 'I was thinking of donating $100,000 to the building fund, but if you're not interested, I'll just…"

"Hang on," the secretary chirped, "1 think the fat pig just walked in!"

Joke Time

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study and began the usual grilling: "So, what are your plans?"

"I am a theology student," replied the young man.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will provide," explained the young man.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband how it had gone. "He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I am God."

Joke Time

Fire!

During a recent ecumenical gathering, one of the attendees suddenly saw smoke rising from the trash can. "Fire!" he screamed.

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

And the atheist hotel manager walked in, grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall, and put the fire out.

Joke Time

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.

He then traveled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Ireland to see if the Irish had the same telephone. He arrived in Dublin, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Ireland now, son - it's a local call".

Joke Time

Father O’Malley answers the phone.

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will”.

Joke Time

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Joke Time

What is the real reason the Ten Command­ments have been banned from America's public buildings?

It creates a hostile work environment to post THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY and THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

Joke Time

A man walked into church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some of it on his legs and then tossed aside his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the event and ran to tell the priest what he'd just seen. The priest said, "Son, you've just witnessed a mira­cle. Tell me, where is this man?"

The altar boy replied, "Lying on the floor next to the holy water."

Joke Time

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go By and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"