He's a jolly good fellow.

Oldie but goodie

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. The attending angel asks each, "When you are in your coffin, and family and friends are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a good family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, as a teacher, I made a terrific difference in the lives of the children I taught."

The third guy says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look - he's moving!'"

What it means to be dead

Joke - The Clever Mortician

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died, and his body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

But Monica noted that Charlie had always preferred blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the viewing and burial."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice."

"Well surely it cost you plenty of staff time to undress both bodies and switch their clothes!" the woman said.

"Well, no," the mortician said with a discreet cough. "We just switched the heads."

Is He Still Alive?

The other day I was watching a movie on TV and I was wondering if the lead character in the movie was still alive. I'm sorry - I can't remember the name of the movie nor the name of the actor, but this is a true story.

Now I've run across a site that helps answer such questions. And here's one for you to ponder. Do you remember Herb Alpert, the trumpet player and music promoter who gained fame with a number of top-ten songs in the 1960's? What do you think - alive or dead?

Click here to find out who's alive and who's dead.

Interesting site to bookmark, yes?

Joke - I'm Dead

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about ? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Animated - Beat a Dead Horse

Know the old expression, "He's just beating a dead horse?" Well, it happens...

Joke - The Drill Sergeant

After viciously chewing out one of his cadets, the drill sergeant said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave.”

"Not me, Sarge," the cadet replied. "No, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line."

Joke - Casket Time

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Joke Time

During Jim's vacation, while he and his family were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died. Death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American consulate to send the body back to the United States to be buried. The consulate warns Jim that sending a body across countries is very, very expensive, running well into the thousands of dollars. Most people, he tells Jim, choose to have the person buried in the country where they had died.

Jim considers, then replies that he doesn't care how much it costs, he wants to have the body sent back.

The consul nods sympathetically: "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much."

"No," says Jim, "it is not a price thing at all. You see, I know the story of a person who had been buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead, and I just can't take that chance ..."