Oldie but goodie

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. The attending angel asks each, "When you are in your coffin, and family and friends are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a good family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, as a teacher, I made a terrific difference in the lives of the children I taught."

The third guy says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look - he's moving!'"

Where In Heaven's Name Did You Get Those Feet?

Heavenly Humor

Joke - Getting to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Joke - Christmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Joke Time

While walking down the streeet one day, a senator is tragically hitby a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seemsthere is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down ... down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middleof a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf; and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but Ithink I would be better off in hell."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down ...back down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here andthere was a golf course and clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Joke Time

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.

He then traveled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Ireland to see if the Irish had the same telephone. He arrived in Dublin, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Ireland now, son - it's a local call".