Video joke...

Joke time

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

Joke time

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Joke Time

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.  However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender,’Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.  Now, how about that drink?'

Joke time

"What do you do?" the pretty young thing asked the fellow on the stool next to her at the local watering hole.

"I'm a carnival performer," he said. "I do amazing mental tricks."

"Really? Like what?" she asked.

"The most amazing one is, I can feel a woman's breasts, and tell the exact day she was born."

"No way!"

"Yes, really."

"OK, try it on me," she said.

He reached over, put his hands up her shirt, and started poking, prodding, caressing, and gently pinching. He was clearly concentrating, but didn't say a word.

"Well?" she finally demanded after about two minutes. "When was I born?!"

"I've got it exactly," he said, with one final squeeze. "Yesterday."

Joke time!

One evening a man walked into a bar and proceeded to order one martini after another. With each one he would remove the olives and place them in a jar he had brought with him. When the jar was filled with olives and every martini had been consumed, the man got up and prepared to leave.

"Excuse me, sir," a patron said. "I have to ask because I'm so curious-what are you going to do with all of those?"

"Take them home to my wife," the man replied. "She sent me out for ajar of olives."

The Flip Side

If men and women changed roles (at the bar)

Girl in a bar joke turned into an ad

Man Walks Into A Bar Joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender, any specials today?'

Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'

The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'

The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.

Joke Time: New Wealthy Man

When a man found out his rich father was on his deathbed, he went to a bar, hoping to find a beautiful woman he could begin to spoil. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to a woman who could have passed as a model, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit $20 million."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later she became his stepmother.

The Bar Pick-Up

Joke - Lancelot's Girl

One night, Guinevere and Lancelot had a huge argument. Eventually, they reached an impasse. Guinevere told Lancelot that she never wanted to see him again.

Heartbroken, Lancelot headed to the local tavern. Eventually, Guinever calmed down. She went out to find him. Spotting Lancelot’s horse outside the tavern, she went inside.

A man who was leaving recognized her. He asked, “What’s a knight’s girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Video - Skinny Dipping

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Joke - In a Bar

One evening a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead, since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."

"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" she snapped.

"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

Joke - Bartender Humor

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer He took a sip and heard a voice say, Nice tie."

The only other person there was the bar­tender, and he was standing at the opposite end of the bar A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt."

The man called the bartender over "I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."

"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.

"What do you mean?" the man asked.

"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated. "They're complimentary."

Joke - Irishman has Cancer

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."

Video - In a Bar

Funny ad - a guy gets rescued by friends when he skips out on a date.

Joke - Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Joke - Behavior Study

The insurance salesman stopped at a singles bar, ordered a drink and gazed around the room. He noticed a young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. Gathering his nerve, he approached her and said. "Excuse me. I hope you don't think I'm being forward, but I'm new in town and don't know too many people. I was wondering if I could buy you a drink."

The woman looked up and screamed. "MOTEL?? How dare you?"

As every head in the room turned, the embarrassed man slunk back to the bar and ordered another drink.

Ten minutes later, the same woman came up to him, smiled and said. "I'm sorry about what happened before. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and what I did was part of an experiment in human social behavior."

"Ah," the man replied, and then suddenly slammed his glass down on the bar, stood up and screamed. "Seventy-five dollars? Are you out of your mind?"