Joke time

A man’s age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms ‘

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Who farted?A man’s age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms ‘

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Who farted?

Joke time

Good Answers

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

Joke time

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

50 things you don't need to know.

I'm publishing this as large as Blogger will allow me, but you can view larger by using [ctrl]-[+] to enlarge the view in most browsers. Of course, [ctrl] - [-] will then reduce the image.

Checklist - Are you all grown up?

A New Golfer's Handbook

The following is reported to be the chapters to a new golf book. Someone obviously has been watching me play, and I'm going to demand my share of the royalties..........by gum!



Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Chapter 10 - When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 19- Throwing Your Club s: An Effective stress-Reduction Technique.
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl
and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Speaking of Marriage

Kids on Marriage

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date , they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

You're On The List!

Humor - Dilbert's Office Laws

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable -- if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it is not the work s/he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who should not.

If it was not for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Corollory: Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Humor - Proposal?

When to Propose ... or Not

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

•In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing"?

•Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sen­tence?

•Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon?

•Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?

•Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?

•Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?

•Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

•If she works as a check-out clerk at K-Mart, a bank teller, or a cashier in an all-night diner, did she bet more than $10,000 on the last Super Bowl?

•Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

•Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

•If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

•Does her job resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House Of Painful Delights?

Humor - Rejected License Plates

Rejected State Mottos: Mottos you're not likely to see on certain license plates

Alabama: Literasy Ain't Everything

Arkansas: At Least We're Not Oklahoma

Georgia: Freedom Schmeedom

Illinois: Gateway To Iowa

Kansas: Orville Redenbacher for President

Kentucky: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

Maryland: Birthplace of the Indianapolis Colts

Minnesota: For Sale

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else

New Jersey: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

North Carolina: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: jSi! jHablo Ingles!

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

West Virginia: Marijuana: Cholesterol Free

Humor - Travel Tips

Travel Tips: Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler

• Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."

• Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

• Keep in mind that, in the Middle East, the phrase "half off" on a hotel room has nothing to do with price.

• There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

• If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word towelhead.

• On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.

• In Denmark, those mannequins in storefront windows are not mannequins.

• While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as "Petey-Boy."

• Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

• Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

• In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

• Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uni­forms.

• If you find yourself in South Africa - and you're black - skip your usual late-night jog.

Humor - Casual Fridays

Tuesday, January 2
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Monday, January 8
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Monday, January 15
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Monday, January 22
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Monday, January 29
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Tuesday, January 30
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Monday, February 5
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Humor List - Ponder This

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007...

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007...

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

Humor - Warnings On Alcohol

Should the Surgeon General of the U.S. ever decide to have warning labels placed on alcoholic beverages, much as they are now placed on cigarettes, here are some he might wish to consider...

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing with lampshades.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until even your friends may start considering violent measures.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings likethish.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 a.m.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering just what happened to your pants.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cannot remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

More Murphy's Laws

Here are the top ten lesser known Murphy's Laws:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Humor - Nature's Laws

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Humor - Clean the Toilet

How to thoroughly clean the toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Humor Time

*_ROMANCE MATHEMATICS_*

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

*_OFFICE ARITHMETIC_*

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

*_SHOPPING MATH_*

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

*_GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS_*

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

*_HAPPINESS_*

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him al ittle.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try tounderstand her at all.
______________________________

*_LONGEVITY_*

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are alot more willing to die.
______________________________

*_PROPENSITY TO CHANGE_*

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

*_DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE_*

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

*_HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED_*

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
______________________________

*SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.*

Humor Time

You Know You're A Teacher If...

You must get 70 percent to pass:

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August and June.
10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever figured out how to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "never dream" of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
20. Your boss tells you of a great new policy she's adopted called "Zero Tolerance"