TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007...
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.
#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007...
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration
Friday, January 19, 2007
Joke - What Have You Got?
Lyndon, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Lyndon suggests they go in.
Lyndon addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Lyndon: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Lyndon: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Lyndon: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Lyndon: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Lyndon: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Lyndon: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Lyndon: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Lyndon: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Lyndon addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Lyndon: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Lyndon: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Lyndon: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Lyndon: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Lyndon: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Lyndon: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Lyndon: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Lyndon: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
video - Fill 'Er Up
If you like pratfall humor, here's a quick little security video of a woman trying to fill her gas tank and not having much luck.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Joke - Anniversary
Some elderly Arizona ranchers are discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days". When the conversation finally touches upon their spouses, one gentleman turns to the fellow on his right: "Say, Roy, aren't you and the missus celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup," says Roy.
"Well, are you going to do anything special to celebrate?"
Roy gives this a bit of thought. "Well," he says slowly, "for our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tuscon. Maybe for our 50th, I will go back down there and get her."
"Yup," says Roy.
"Well, are you going to do anything special to celebrate?"
Roy gives this a bit of thought. "Well," he says slowly, "for our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tuscon. Maybe for our 50th, I will go back down there and get her."
Fun Photos
They all stare at the house where the wild party was held the night before and wonder how this could have happened.
Some days you just sit and wonder hoe we make it through our lives.
Dear Mom,
Went our class trip to Washington D.C. I think they had heard that were were coming,
Love,
Brad and Jennifer
Some days you just sit and wonder hoe we make it through our lives.
Dear Mom,
Went our class trip to Washington D.C. I think they had heard that were were coming,
Love,
Brad and Jennifer
Joke - The Accident
A man and a woman are involved in a car accident. It is a bad one, both of their cars are utterly demolished. Utter disbelief and amazement from both: for neither one of them is even scratched. "This must be some kind of sign," says the woman.
"An utter miracle," agrees the man.
"And look," says she, "another miracle. My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine survived intact. Surely we are meant to celebrate." And she opens the bottle with the Swiss Army knife in her purse and passes it to him.
He nods -- doesn't need to be asked twice! -- and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to her; but she re-corks it and gives it back to him. He frowns: "Aren't you having any?"
"No," she says. "I think I will just wait for the police."
"An utter miracle," agrees the man.
"And look," says she, "another miracle. My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine survived intact. Surely we are meant to celebrate." And she opens the bottle with the Swiss Army knife in her purse and passes it to him.
He nods -- doesn't need to be asked twice! -- and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to her; but she re-corks it and gives it back to him. He frowns: "Aren't you having any?"
"No," she says. "I think I will just wait for the police."
The History of It
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an odd number, don't you think?
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built railroads in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two horses.
Now the twist to the story..
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineer who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is only slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroad track, as you now know about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an odd number, don't you think?
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built railroads in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two horses.
Now the twist to the story..
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineer who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is only slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroad track, as you now know about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.
Video - Bathing Beauty - NSFW
A homemade video of a bathing beauty at the shore in her little red bikini. Probably not safe for work.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Joke - Officer Fenwick
A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2:00 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Sweetie, would you go down to the all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you -- aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Sweetie, would you go down to the all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you -- aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Photo Fun
Will the REAL Mr. Potato Head ... please stand up..."
After shoveling the snow today, this is what my hands FELT like...
Some days it's just better to sweat than it is to try to cool off.
I think this is gonna hurt...
Monday, January 15, 2007
Video - Animal Dancing
This video is from some TV show somewhere and shows animals dancing to Lady Marmalade.
Joke - Dying of Cancer
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor because of a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."
The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
"It's like this, m'boy," O'Malley said. "I don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I am gone."
Drinking
Sometimes we drink a little too much alcohol. Sometimes it's just the right amount. See what you think...
History - The origin of Some Fashions
YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON!
The history of some modern wearables.
WHAT A HEEL: In the 1600s, Louis XIV of France added a few inches to the heels of his boots because he was so short. To his annoyance, he started a lad in the Royal Court-soon everyone was wearing elevated heels. So he made his even higher. And so did everyone else. This went on until it got ridiculous. Eventually, men's heels got smaller-but women's stayed high. In the 1800s, American women copied the styles of Paris, and high heels-called "French heels" at first-became a part of American fashion.
TIES THAT BIND: The necktie fashion originated with a band of Croatian soldiers who showed up in France in the mid-1600s. Part of their uniforms were fancy scarves made of linen or muslin; and this looked so impressive to the French that they began wearing fancy linen scarves themselves. They called the scarves cravats. Meanwhile, King Charles II of England picked up on the fashion-and when cravats became part of his daily wear, the rest of England followed. Over the next century, the cravat evolved into the modem tie.
SNEAKING AROUND: The modem sneaker was introduced in 1917, when the National India Rubber Company came up with Peds. Or at least, that's what they wanted to call their new shoe. It turned out that the name Peds was already registered; so they quickly changed the name to Keds (with a K for "kids"). The original sneakers had black soles and brown tops, because those were the popular colors for traditional men's footwear.
TUX & ROLLS: Pierre Lorillard IV, scion of the tobacco company, lived in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. In 1886, he decided he was sick of the formalwear of the day, and had his tailor make suits without tails. In a daring move for Victorian high society gent, he planned to wear one of these scandalous suits to the annual Autumn Ball. But he chickened out at the last minute. Instead, his son and his son's friends wore the suits. No scandal here; since the Lorillards were rich, everyone copied them. The outrageous suit became a fashion. It was even named for its birthplace. And a century later, the tuxedo industry is grossing a half a billion dollars annually.
WRANGLING AROUND: The Blue Bell Overall company was the largest manufacturer of denim bib overalls in the world, but after World War II, they wanted to expand-and decided to add blue jeans to their line of clothing. The name they picked for their new product was Wrangler. At first, since Levi-Strauss had the better stores all sewn up, Blue Bell sold its Wranglers only to discount chains, like J. C. Penney's. But eventually they hired Hollywood stars to plug the jeans, and they became as fashionable as Levi's.
STRAIGHT-LACED: The shoelace was invented in England in 1790. Until then, shoes were always fastened with buckles.
MADE IN THE SHADES: According to Gene Sculatti, in The Catalog of Cool: "The first sunglasses were made in 1885 in Philadelphia. Seeking an alternative to costly amber and micalens glasses, an experimenter simply put small circles of window glass out in the sun, exposing them to several summers' rays." Sunglasses were popular, but weren't faddish until the '20s, when a bankrupt French comb manufacturer began turning out an assortment of bizarre sunglass frames, trying to find something people would buy. They were shaped like "peacocks, butterflies, pistols, wings, masks, etc. These were gobbled up by the international pre-jet set of the '30s, and soon became true 'trinkets of the bourgeoisie.' " Since then, luminaries like Jackie O., Elton John, Marcello Mastroianni, Audrey Hepburn, and even Barry Go Id water have kept them stylish.
NEHRU WOULD BE PROUD: The Nehru jacket was popularized-briefly-by Johnny Carson, who wore it on TV in the '60s.
The history of some modern wearables.
WHAT A HEEL: In the 1600s, Louis XIV of France added a few inches to the heels of his boots because he was so short. To his annoyance, he started a lad in the Royal Court-soon everyone was wearing elevated heels. So he made his even higher. And so did everyone else. This went on until it got ridiculous. Eventually, men's heels got smaller-but women's stayed high. In the 1800s, American women copied the styles of Paris, and high heels-called "French heels" at first-became a part of American fashion.
TIES THAT BIND: The necktie fashion originated with a band of Croatian soldiers who showed up in France in the mid-1600s. Part of their uniforms were fancy scarves made of linen or muslin; and this looked so impressive to the French that they began wearing fancy linen scarves themselves. They called the scarves cravats. Meanwhile, King Charles II of England picked up on the fashion-and when cravats became part of his daily wear, the rest of England followed. Over the next century, the cravat evolved into the modem tie.
SNEAKING AROUND: The modem sneaker was introduced in 1917, when the National India Rubber Company came up with Peds. Or at least, that's what they wanted to call their new shoe. It turned out that the name Peds was already registered; so they quickly changed the name to Keds (with a K for "kids"). The original sneakers had black soles and brown tops, because those were the popular colors for traditional men's footwear.
TUX & ROLLS: Pierre Lorillard IV, scion of the tobacco company, lived in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. In 1886, he decided he was sick of the formalwear of the day, and had his tailor make suits without tails. In a daring move for Victorian high society gent, he planned to wear one of these scandalous suits to the annual Autumn Ball. But he chickened out at the last minute. Instead, his son and his son's friends wore the suits. No scandal here; since the Lorillards were rich, everyone copied them. The outrageous suit became a fashion. It was even named for its birthplace. And a century later, the tuxedo industry is grossing a half a billion dollars annually.
WRANGLING AROUND: The Blue Bell Overall company was the largest manufacturer of denim bib overalls in the world, but after World War II, they wanted to expand-and decided to add blue jeans to their line of clothing. The name they picked for their new product was Wrangler. At first, since Levi-Strauss had the better stores all sewn up, Blue Bell sold its Wranglers only to discount chains, like J. C. Penney's. But eventually they hired Hollywood stars to plug the jeans, and they became as fashionable as Levi's.
STRAIGHT-LACED: The shoelace was invented in England in 1790. Until then, shoes were always fastened with buckles.
MADE IN THE SHADES: According to Gene Sculatti, in The Catalog of Cool: "The first sunglasses were made in 1885 in Philadelphia. Seeking an alternative to costly amber and micalens glasses, an experimenter simply put small circles of window glass out in the sun, exposing them to several summers' rays." Sunglasses were popular, but weren't faddish until the '20s, when a bankrupt French comb manufacturer began turning out an assortment of bizarre sunglass frames, trying to find something people would buy. They were shaped like "peacocks, butterflies, pistols, wings, masks, etc. These were gobbled up by the international pre-jet set of the '30s, and soon became true 'trinkets of the bourgeoisie.' " Since then, luminaries like Jackie O., Elton John, Marcello Mastroianni, Audrey Hepburn, and even Barry Go Id water have kept them stylish.
NEHRU WOULD BE PROUD: The Nehru jacket was popularized-briefly-by Johnny Carson, who wore it on TV in the '60s.
Video - Loud Dress
The guy in this video can't help himself - he's go to tell his significant other that her dress is a little too loud.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Humor - Warnings On Alcohol
Should the Surgeon General of the U.S. ever decide to have warning labels placed on alcoholic beverages, much as they are now placed on cigarettes, here are some he might wish to consider...
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing with lampshades.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until even your friends may start considering violent measures.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings likethish.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 a.m.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering just what happened to your pants.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cannot remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing with you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
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