Joke Time

Father O’Malley answers the phone.

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will”.

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Fine Sign Time

He looks like a scientist!

It's the jogging and walking that the sign refers to...

The toilets come ready stocked...

As long as you don't sit and spin in it...

Rent by the minute or the hour...

Life before the computer - a Poem

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

A young blonde woman was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. More incredibly, lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs!

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts, "DAMN IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!?"

Fun Images

Even though she'd fed the elephant an entire bag of pork rinds, Betty was sure the elephant's breath still smelled mighty sweet.

Bob had no where else to go to show off his new thong.

Billy and Horton watched sadly as the circus pulled out of town.

Ed thought the new vacuum sucked.

Humor Time

Ten signs you have chosen a no frills airline
· You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
· Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
· The captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.
· When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
· The captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
· You ask the captain how often this company's airplanes crash and he says, "Just once."
· No in-flight movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
· You see a man with a gun, but he is demanding to be let off the plane.
· All the airplanes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Sign Time

Fun things to do in an elevator

· Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

· Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

· Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

· Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

· Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

· When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

· Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

· On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

· Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I have new socks on!"

· When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

· Meow occasionally.

· Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

· Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

· Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

· Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

· When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

· Say "Ding!" at each floor.

· Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

· Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

· Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

· Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

· Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

· Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

· Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Cartoon Time

Worst Burglar Ever

Joke Time

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak ac­cident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter.

"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?"

Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptu­ous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," Gates exclaimed, "I want to see heaven."

Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."

Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire. He found him shack­led to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?"

"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."

Humans and Animals

Joke Time

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo?

The signs at the city zoo give each species' common name and scientific name.

At the redneck zoo, signs give each species' common name and a recipe.

Sign Time

World's Worst Police Dog?

Asteroids

Remember the old arcade game of asteroids? Pretty simple by today's standards. Now you can play a Shockwave version online. Use the arrow keys to spin your spacecraft - use the spacebar to fire your gun.

Click here to play.

Donald Rumsfeld - A Retrospective

Worth a look.