Sunday, February 21, 2021


Doctor, I'm really worried about my husband," the woman told the psychiatrist. "He has multiple personalities, all of them comic book characters. Now he thinks he's Batman."

"It's too bad he didn't get treatment earlier," the shrink said, "but with intensive therapy, I think I can cure him."

"I guess that would be the best thing to do," the woman replied. Then, with a slight shrug, she added ruefully, "but Robin is so good with the kids."

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’ 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12” 4" high.

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

A diminutive fellow walked into a bar and within minutes was being pushed around by a huge bully. The little guy pushed back. "You'd better watch who you're pushing, pimple facel" he warned the big guy.

"You're pretty nervy for a shrimp. Just who do you think you are?"

"Look, dumbo, I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped without chutes from a jet. And tomorrow," he boasted, "I jump from a rocket."

"You're crazy, peewee," the big bully said.

"You'll get killed."

"So what?" came the reply. "I have no family."

When the attorney filed a motion for a new trial for his client, the judge angrily asked, "On what grounds?"

"Your Honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money I didn't know he had."

It got so cold during the football game that by the third quarter, the diehard fan was nearly alone in the stands, wrapped snugly in a blanket. He soon caught the eye of a young lady shivering nearby and spread the blanket open as an invitation. She gratefully slid next to him and cuddled up.

Soon they got better acquainted. He told her he was a lawyer and that his name was Irv. She told him that she was a model and that her name was Andrea. They snuggled closer. "Is it true," he whispered, "that models shave off all their body hair?"

She said that it was true.

After a lot more warming up, he chuckled. "You haven't worked as a model lately, have you?"

' "No, I haven't," she said, giggling, "and your name's not Irv, either."

How do you get a blonde up on the roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Michael Milken was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."

"Is that right?" Milken said, relieved.

"Yeah," said the prisoner. "I killed a priest."

A young polar bear asked his mother, "Hey, Mom, tell me the truth. Am I one hundred percent a polar bear?"

 "You sure are," his mother replied. "I'm one hundred percent polar bear and your father is one hundred percent polar bear."

Not completely satisfied with the answer, the youngster asked his father the same thing.

"Well, son," his dad told him, "all your grandparents and great-grandparents were one hundred percent polar bears, so you are one hundred percent polar bear as well. Why do you ask?"

"i don't know," he said. "It's just that I'm fucking freezing."

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