Old Playboy Party Jokes
While trying to persuade his new girlfriend to come over, the young man had finally led the phone conversation in a romantic direction.
"Yes, I do like a dry white wine," she said.
"Great. I have two bottles chilling now."
"And I just love Billie Eilish."
'Just got her new CD."
"My fantasy is making love on a fur rug in front of a fireplace."
"No problem," he said instantly. "I'll shoot the dog."
Two men were applying for the same job. Both had excellent academic credentials and superb skills and experience. In order to choose between them, the employer challenged them to come up with a poem ending with the word Timbuktu.
The first candidate immediately recited, "Out across the desert sand/Rode a lonely caravan/Underneath the sky so blue/ Destination: Timbuktu."
The second candidate was hard-pressed to come up with a better effort. He was just about to concede defeat when inspiration struck: "Me and Tim a-fishing went,/Saw three women in a tent./They being three and we being two,/ I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
How can you tell if a woman is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
As the corporation's national sales meeting got under way, one particularly cocky salesman was approached by a stern looking man.
"Excuse me," he said. "are you Bo Jones?"
"That's me." the confident young man replied. "Bo Jones is the name, selling's my game."
"Tell me, were you in Atlanta two months ago?"
Jones began leafing through his diary. "Two months ago? Why, yes, I sure was."
"And did you stay at the Lacey Motel?"
"Now, let me see. Yes, here it is, the Lacey Motel."
"And did you stay in room 3121?"
"Hang on," he murmured as he turned a page. "Yes, I did."
"Next to a Mrs. Porter?"
"Mrs. Porter? Hmmm. . . . Why,yes, she was in room 3123."
"And you slept with her on Saturday night?"
'Just a second," the salesman replied as he checked his entries. "Yes, you're right. I did give her a bit of the in-and-out."
The stranger turned bright red. "Well, I am her husband, Mr. Jones, and I don't like it."
The salesman looked at the diary again. "'Mrs. Porter, Lacey Motel, room 3123,"' he read. "No, sir, neither did I."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a football?
You get only three points for kicking a football between the uprights.
Three old men. all long-term patients. regularly met in the hospital exercise room. "It sure would be nice," the first said, "if that sexy brunette on the eight-to-four shift would show a little more leg."
"What would be nice," mused the second, "is if that gorgeous raven-haired nurse on the four-to-twelve shift would open her blouse a little more."
"No, I'll tell you what would be really nice," insisted the third. "It would be really nice if the luscious blonde on the twelve-to-eight shift would sleep with one of YOU guys for a change."
A successful commodities broker, eager to diversify his investments, saw an ad for a thoroughbred stallion for only $100. Curious, he drove out to the stud farm the next day.
"What's the deal with the horse?" he asked the owner.
"See for yourself," the farmer said, pointing toward a horse asleep in a field. "I'll just give a whistle."
At the sound, the horse's ears stood up. It started to gallop toward them, then ran into a tree, fell down, got back up, then ran into the tree again.
"What are you trying to do," the angry broker huffed, "sell me a blind horse?"
"It's not blind," the farmer replied. "It just don't give a fuck."
I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.
Roses are red. Nuts are round.
Skirts go up. Panties go down.
Belly to belly. Skin to skin.
When it's stiff, stick it in.
Sex, drugs, rock & roll;
speed, weed, & birth control.
Life's a bitch and then you die,
so fuck the world and lets get high!
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people...
But it needs more work
Vending machines are so homophobic.
I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
Relationships used to be X's an O's,
now its just Exes and Hoes..
Diarrhea is hereditary,
it runs in your jeans
It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts,
your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy,
and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!
Why is it called "taking a dump" when you are leaving one!
I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that bitch go everywhere.
White people fairy tales: Once upon a time....
Black people fairy tales: Y'all motherfuckas ain't believe dis' shit!
A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world...
Even a thought can raise it.
Real men don't wear pink,
they eat it.
A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."