Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Sad and nasty jokes

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ...  so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many think.


What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a truck?


How about a girl with one leg?


What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs in a cash register?


The same girl on a gambling table?


The same girl on a music stand?

How about that girl working at a vineyard?

And what do you call a girl that's taking downers?


A man with a bad stuttering problem had never married, but one day he met the woman of his dreams, a iovely young epileptic. After a whirlwind courtship, the two were married, and after the ceremony they headed for a honeymoon in the Poconos.

Five minutes after they'd registered, the phone rang at the front desk.

"C-c-come q-q-quick and b-b-bring a r-r-rope," the man yelled into the manager's ear.

After a desperate search for a rope, the manager raced up the stairs. There on the bed, naked, was the wife in the midst of a seizure. Ihe husband grabbed the rope from the manager, proceeded to tie her to the bed, and then climbed up on top of her.

"Okay," he shouted, "c-c-cut h-h-her l-l-loose!"

What has four wheels and flies?

A dead cripple in a wheelchair.

Why didn't they let the midget in the nudist colony?

He kept getting into everyone's hair.

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiencies. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.

"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."

After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"

"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you."

When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen. Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.

"Jesus Christ, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the use of his whole left side?

He's all right now.

The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see," he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and I'll smell the type and length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine. "Ah-hah," said the man, breathing deeply, "pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, and the guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her skirts and ride down the conveyor belt.

Mabel rode through, face-up, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent through again.

The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt still up, to turn over.

After a few moments of reflection, the blind man turned to the foreman with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he proclaimed. "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!"

The bus driver was training a new kid to take over his route. At one stop a middle-aged woman was waiting, and when the driver waved to her, she waved back. She held up her index finger, at which the driver shook his head and held up his index and middle fingers. She pointed her thumb up, and the driver shook his head vigorously and pointed his thumb down.

To the new kid's astonishment, the woman then started fondling her tits, to which the driver responded by scratching his balls. And the woman gave him the finger and walked off.

"What the hell was that all about?" asked the kid. "Was she crazy or something?"

"Nah," said the driver, "just deaf. See, she asked me if this was the number-one bus, and I told her it was the number two. She asked if we were going uptown, and I said no, downtown. Then she wanted to know if we were going to the Dairy Queen, and I said no, to the ball park. So she said, 'Fuck you, I'11 walk."'

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