Wednesday, February 28, 2007
St. Paddy's E-Greeting
Click here to view a St. Patrick's Day E-Greeting card done in Shockwave Flash. This card features a cartoon version of Steve Irwin and a leprechaun.
PowerPoint SlideShow - Artwork
Click the "link" below to download a PowerPoint slide show of some unique paintings and drawings. Some nudity in a few of the images, but not pornographic. This post will be available for just 7 days from the time of this post.
Joke - Taxes
The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
Video - Morning After
Here's a funny video ad. Watch as the guy wakes up the morning after and realizes that something's not right!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Joke - Grasshopper
A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat down on a stool and ordered a martini.
“Hey,” said the bartender, “did you know that we have a drink named after you?”
“Oh yeah?” replied the grasshopper. “Irving?”
“Hey,” said the bartender, “did you know that we have a drink named after you?”
“Oh yeah?” replied the grasshopper. “Irving?”
Monday, February 26, 2007
Joke - Blond Golfers
Two blond golfers found themselves at a foggy par three where they could see the flag but not the green. Each hit solid shots.
When they had walked onto the green, they found that one of the balls was six inches from the cup and, after searching for the other one, found that it had gone in the cup. They then spent quite a few minutes trying to decide which of them had hit the hole-in-one. After all, both were hitting Titleist number threes. They decided, finally, to ask the club pro for a ruling.
After congratulating the two men on their magnificent shots - and after being told that both men were playing the same brand and numbered gold ball - he said, “I think I can work this out. Which one of you was playing the yellow ball?”
When they had walked onto the green, they found that one of the balls was six inches from the cup and, after searching for the other one, found that it had gone in the cup. They then spent quite a few minutes trying to decide which of them had hit the hole-in-one. After all, both were hitting Titleist number threes. They decided, finally, to ask the club pro for a ruling.
After congratulating the two men on their magnificent shots - and after being told that both men were playing the same brand and numbered gold ball - he said, “I think I can work this out. Which one of you was playing the yellow ball?”
Photo Fun
Best when taken straight out of the bottle! 
Just taking a bite out of the apple can be dangerous - when it bites back.
The two most important food groups!
Must be the cross-breeding - a tomato with orange pulp!
The Scream - created by Alfred Munch.
Joke - Husband
Busy executive on the phone to his wife from the office:"Sorry for being in such a hurry this morning -- tell me, who was the gentleman in my bathrobe at the breakfast table?"
Video - Parking Tip
The following, very short video demonstrates a neat little parking tip for those of you living in, or working in, urban areas. Not for the faint of muscle!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Video - Out of Nowhere
Another cop-chase video - this time the bad guy gets an unexpected surprise. Very short video.
Joke - Paris Vacation
A rancher and his bitchy wife were seated in a fancy restaurant while on vacation in Paris. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a big juicy porterhouse steak."
"Oui, monsieur," the waiter replied, "but what about ze mad cow?"
"Hell," said the rancher, "just bring her a salad."
"Oui, monsieur," the waiter replied, "but what about ze mad cow?"
"Hell," said the rancher, "just bring her a salad."
Fun Fact - Sean Connery
Playboy magazine reports that Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. New Line Cinema offered him between 10% and 15% of the worldwide box office receipts. By turning down the offer, Connery gave up between $290 million and $435 million.
Poor guy - he's probably crying in his bank vault where he keeps all the money he's made from his other movies. Unless the lottery suddenly turns in my favor, I'll never even see $1 million in my lifetime.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Fun Photos
Orange ya glad ya can't hear these guys crying? 
This cat was found wandering near a nuclear reactor on Long Island.
This is a faulty speed sign! I swear it! I got caught by one just like it a few weeks ago. And I was walking!
New postage stamp produced by the pro-business Republican administration. Eat up, kiddies!Humor - Caught Napping?
Things to say if you are caught sleeping at your desk
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do yoga?"
"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken ..."
"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot!"
"... in Jesus' name, Amen."
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Slide Show - Snow Country
I live in snow country. Neither the photos nor the music are mine, but they represent the best of our weather.
Click here for the Slide Show.
Click here for the Slide Show.
Joke - Playing Doctor
After discovering her young daughter and the neighbor boy playing doctor, the girl's angry mother dragged the young lad home by the ear.
“It's only natural for young kids to explore their sexuality,” the boy's mother said after being told of the incident.
“Sexuality my ass!” roared the girl's mother. “He took out my daughter's appendix!”
“It's only natural for young kids to explore their sexuality,” the boy's mother said after being told of the incident.
“Sexuality my ass!” roared the girl's mother. “He took out my daughter's appendix!”
Humor - Country Songs
Top 16 Country Music Songs
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number one song is. . . . .
1.I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few !
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fun Photos
(Click any image to view larger.)
And the rule is, if you can eat five of them, you eat for free. 
Ah, the good old days! Things were so much better when I was a kid!
Is that Jesus? I think that's Jesus! Worship the smoke!
When trapped in the snow on Mount Hood, remember your priorities!
Joke - Surgeons
Some surgeons were discussing who was the easiest to operate on.
The first said that accountants were as every thing was numbered.
The second believed librarians were as everything was alphabetical.
The third felt electricians were as everything was color-coded.
The fourth said, "You are all wrong, lawyers are the easiest since they have no heart, no guts, no spine, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.
The first said that accountants were as every thing was numbered.
The second believed librarians were as everything was alphabetical.
The third felt electricians were as everything was color-coded.
The fourth said, "You are all wrong, lawyers are the easiest since they have no heart, no guts, no spine, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.
Video - Illusionators
Two silly guys pretend that they are magicians - some camera tricks are about the only real magic. Fun, if you've got nothing else to do for the next 4 minutes.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Joke - Retirement Plan
My brother sent along his new retirement plan. He wasn't too sure what direction to go, since he did a little research on other ideas. For instance...
If he had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, he would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, he would have had less than $5.00 left.
With Lucent, he would have $3.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
But, with the purchase of $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, and then he drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling, he would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, he decided the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
If he had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, he would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, he would have had less than $5.00 left.
With Lucent, he would have $3.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
But, with the purchase of $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, and then he drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling, he would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, he decided the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Video - Punchy
Some guys are having a great time - and then their friend, Punchy, shows up. Pretty funny.
Joke - Pregnancy
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the examination was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. I get asked this question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that's not it,” said Brenda. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. I get asked this question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that's not it,” said Brenda. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Joke - The Blonde and the Horse
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say, "Hello".
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say, "Hello".
Monday, February 19, 2007
Joke - Blind Man
A Jewish man was enjoying his Passover lunch in the park. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight-day holiday, he was eating matzoh, a flat, crunchy, unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jew passed a sheet of matzo to his new companion.
The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes. Finally, looking puzzled, he exclaimed: "Who wrote this crap?"
The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes. Finally, looking puzzled, he exclaimed: "Who wrote this crap?"
Joke - Wink Wink
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Joke - Las Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Vegas, but there are more churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by Chip Monks.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by Chip Monks.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
History - Musical Serendipity
BUT THEY'D NEVER BEEN THERE
Songs about places can be so convincing that it's hard to believe the people who wrote them haven't been there themselves. But that's often the case. Three prime examples:
TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS; JOHN DENVER
John Denver sounds so sincere singing this song that it's hard to believe he wasn't born and raised in West Virginia. But he wasn't. Denver didn't even write it; two musicians named Bill Danoff and Taffy Nivert did. And they didn't grow up in West Virginia either. In fact, they'd never even been there when the song was composed. It was actually written while they were on their way to a Nivert family reunion in Maryland. As they drove through the countryside, along the winding, tree-lined roads, Bill passed the time by writing a little tune about their rural surroundings. Gradually, it became "Take Me Home, Country Roads." How did West Virginia get into the song? A friend of Bill's kept sending him picture postcards from the Mountain State with notes like, "West Virginia's almost heaven." Bill was so impressed by the postcards that he incorporated them into the lyrics of the song. John Denver discovered the tune in 1970, while he was performing at a Washington, D.C. folk club. Bill and Taffy were also performing there, and one evening they played Denver their half-finished "Country Roads." The three of them stayed up all night finishing it. Denver put it on his next RCA album; it made him a star, and made Bill and Taffy some hefty royalties. Presumably, they've been to West Virginia by now.
WOODSTOCK; CROSBY, STILLS, NASH, AND YOUNG
The most famous tribute to the most famous musical event in rock history was written by Joni Mitchell. Millions of young Americans have listened to the hit versions by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young and by Matthews' Southern Comfort (as well as an album cut featuring Joni herself) and imagined enviously what it was like to be at Woodstock.
But what they don't know is that Joni wasn't at the festival. She was watching it on TV, like most of America. She'd been traveling with Crosby, Stills and Nash (who played one of their first gigs ever at the mammoth rock concert), and they were all staying in New York City before heading up to the festival. But Mitchell's managers, David Geffen and Elliot Roberts, decided she wouldn't be able to make her scheduled appearance on "The Dick Cavett Show" if she went to Woodstock - so they cancelled her appearance there; Joni was left behind in New York.
Mitchell says: "The deprivation of not being able to go provided me with an intense angle on Woodstock. I was one of the fans." But in the song, she sounds like one of the eyewitnesses.
PROUD MARY; CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL
This million-selling single about an old Mississippi paddlewheeler established Creedence Clearwater Revival as America's chief exponent of "swamp rock." They were quickly recognized as the most promising artists to emerge from New Orleans since Fats Domino. There was only one catch: Creedence Clearwater Revival wasn't from New Orleans. They were from El Cerrito, California. And they had never even been to New Orleans. In fact, the farthest east that songwriter John Fogarty had ever gotten was to Montana. And the closest thing to a bayou that he'd ever seen was the swampland around Winters, California. Actually, Proud Mary wasn't originally going to be a Mississippi riverboat at all. Fogarty initially envisioned her as a "washer woman." But the first few chords he played with reminded him of a paddle-wheel going around. That brought him to thoughts of the Mississippi River, and Mary became a boat. How did Fogarty manage to pull it off so well? The best explanation he could come up with for his "authentic" sound was that he'd listened to a lot of New Orleans music (like Fats Domino) when he was young.
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