Joke Time

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Luther asks.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."

"Yeah," Luther agrees.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again."

"I remember," Luther says.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

"Yep," Luther says. "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

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Joke Time

When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing... always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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More test answers

These are said to be actual answers given to test questions and collected by teachers over the years -

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

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Joke Time

A 75-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the student quad he saw a young man studying hard, bringing back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.
"Your generation will never understand my generation," the kid lectured. "You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine," the student said.

"Is that right?" the elder man asked.

The student began, "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry a dozen books on a tiny chip in my pocket organizer. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and," he paused to take a swig of beer....

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young -- so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?"

Ah, seniors: they may be slow, but they're thorough!

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Joke Time

Worried about his condition, a man went to see his doctor. After conducting a brief examination, the physician quickly spotted the problem. "Arthur; I can't explain this," he said, "but you have marijuana growing out of your nose.

"Did you say marijuana?" the bewildered patient wondered.

"No wonder you're concerned," the doctor soothed.

"Yeah, no kidding," Arthur said. "I planted poppies."

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Joke Time

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated playing partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Good Lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

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Joke Time

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

A common sense approach to good health with an interesting philosophy at the end.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy i: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

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Joke Time

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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