Joke Time

What She Said - What She Meant

"Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes" -- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing" -- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

"Go Ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Proceed with extreme caution!

Loud Sigh -- Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's OK" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks" -- This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.

Cartoon Time

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Humor Time

Additions to the Lexicon

The Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter to create a new word, and then to supply an appropriate definition for the new word. Here are some of the winners.

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you are eating.

DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly (usually after a few drinks).

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

HIPATITIIS: Terminal coolness.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Sign Time

Joke Time

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go By and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"

Funny Signs

Joke Time

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Redneck Funnies

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Humor Time

Start worrying. [stop] Details to follow. [stop]

In a contest sponsored by New York Magazine, readers were asked to come up with some letters one would just as soon not receive. Some of the winning entries:

Dear Joan:You once asked me what you could do to help ...

Dear Dad:
First, I want to emphasize that no one in either car was hurt....

So why, you wonder, a letter after all these years? Well, I am writing my autobiography, and I am just at the part concerning our affair ...

Dear Irving:
Remember the old vase my Aunt Julia left me that you broke at my party? You wanted to reimburse me, and I said, "How about a couple of hundred bucks?" But you thought that was too much and insisted I get an appraisal. Well, I hope you are sitting down, because the museum's curator of 12th century art ...

Dear Thelma:
I have decided to write this because I have always respected you and have always believed that you would expect nothing less from me than complete honesty ...

Dear Mr. Cohn:
In response to your letter concerning pension checks not received by you, our records indicate that you are deceased ...

Cartoon Time

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Joke Time

At a faculty meeting, deep in thought, the dean absently rubs his coffee mug ... and unexpectedly finds himself face to face with a genie, who offers the dean his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the genie (with an evil grin), and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

All heads turn toward the dean. At length, one of his colleagues breaks the silence to whisper, "Say something."

The dean sighs: "I should have taken the money."

Redneck Fun Stuff

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Answers to Unanswerable Questions

1 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It does, as soon as it's dry. That's why you can't get dry glue out of the bottle.

2 Can fat people go skinny dipping?

I hope not.

3 Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

No, I can't.

4 Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

To demonstrate need.

5 Is it possible to be totally partial?

No, but it's possible to be partially total.

6 What's another word for thesaurus?

Synonym-finder.

7 If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

No; then it's an example.

8 If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

No.

9 When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Cardboard.

10 If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No, then you have double the problem.

11 If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?

Sure -- if someone is there to hear it.

12 If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only if he loses.

13 When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Lanolin.

14 Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

No, and neither should anyone else -- have you seen the ingredient list?!

15 Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

No, since funeral processions never arrive at night.

16 What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?

Smile.

17 Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Yes.

18 If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?

Only if she sees it.

19 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only if another personality calls for help.

20 Is there another word for synonym?

Yes -- check your thesaurus.

21 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Yes, but it is accurate.

22 When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Yes (they get printed before the strike).

23 When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

No.

24 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The beach, like the rest of us.

25 Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Because people buy cat food, not cats.

26 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

No. Mean flies call them "cripples".

27 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

No, they're afraid George Michael will try to sneak in.

28 If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Neither; he's dead.

29 Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

They don't. They just use new ones, which only come sterile.

30 Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Because that's what their goggles were attached to, and they needed the goggles to fly.

31 Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

No; there's nothing funny about clowns.

32 If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Preferably.

33 What is the speed of dark?

Zero.

34 How come we never hear about gruntled employees?

Because there aren't any.

Any more questions?

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

Calmness in our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works. We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too, can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Redneck Funnies

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Joke Time

My nephews Ryan, five, and Kurtis, three, were arguing over who would get the first of the pancakes their mom was making. Seeing a "teachable moment," my sister said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake; I can wait.'"

Ryan turned to his brother and said, "Kurtis, you be Jesus."

Cartoon Time

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Joke Time

This patient goes to the doctor to get a prescription, which the doctor writes out in the usual illegible handwriting. Seems the patient, having put it into his pocket, forgot to have it filled.

Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railway pass. Twice it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, once into the symphony. At work he got a raise by showing it as a note from his boss.

One day he misplaced it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to the Faculty of Music.

Redneck Fun

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