Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Pilot joke
A C-130 freight airplane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 pilot flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" -- and he promptly went into a barrel role, followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive. But watch this!"
The C-130 droned on for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."
When you're young and foolish, speed and flash may seem a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" -- and he promptly went into a barrel role, followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive. But watch this!"
The C-130 droned on for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."
When you're young and foolish, speed and flash may seem a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Quotes
Christmas Quotes
I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included. -Bernard ManningI was so poor growing up, if I hadn’t been a boy I’d have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day. -Rodney Dangerfield
If God had meant Christmas to be a family occasion He wouldn’t have invented TV, would He? -Rory McGrath
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the office Christmas party. -Jimmy Carr
I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: ‘Getting ready for Christmas?’ He said: ‘No, teaching the wife how to drive.’ -Bob Hope
At the office party you’re supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder. -David Letterman
Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish. -Benny Hill
Excerpted from The Star, where you'll find even more. (via Fark)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Simple Home Remedies
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked these out on Snapes and they
really, really work!!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP THEM.
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LOWERING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
(I think this one came from RED GREEN)
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
Earthquakes
Earthquakes: explained so you can remember!
It might be well to be a bit knowledgeable about earthquakes in case someone asks or wants to know more about them.
Since science was my chosen profession for 35 years, I might be a bit more able than most to explain it.
In hopes of a "knowing" society, I present this.
What's the difference between
an oscillatory and a trepidatory earthquake?
1. This calculation is just for engineers:
This is a trepidatory earthquake:
This is an oscillatory earthquake:
And this is a combination of both: (trepidatory and oscillatory)
Science is beautiful when it is well explained...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Well, they disturbed me!
Image by Hometown Invasion Tour.
Post lifted from Miss Cellania's blog
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Joke (travelling salesman)
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Shopping
A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...
as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...
very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...
good looking as well .. cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam .. how may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'
He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."
as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...
very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...
as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...
good looking as well .. cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's...
he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam .. how may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'
He answers, "Madam .. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Married couple joke
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.’
‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck. Get the Hell away from me’.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.’
‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck. Get the Hell away from me’.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
What do they call your offspring?
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square
.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24″ WAIST and
34″ HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”
.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24″ WAIST and
34″ HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Big hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise".
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . .
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Sunday, November 07, 2010
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