After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she said. "The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said. "What we do is will ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Speaking of Prince Philip... (Humor)
Prince Philip, who is married to the Queen of England, is a lot like Barbara Bush. They are both so out of touch with non-zillionares that they think of people as a kind of funny farm animal and blithely make fun of them to their faces.
Memorable quotes from Philip:
To a driving instructor in Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
To a Nigerian diplomat in traditional Nigerian garb: "You look as if you're ready for bed."
On seeing a fuse box filled with wires, during a visit to an electronics company: "This looks like it was put in by an Indian."
To a chubby 13-year-old boy at a space exploration exhibit, pointing to a space capsule: "You'll have to lose weight if you want to go in that."
To read a bunch more, click here...
Memorable quotes from Philip:
To a driving instructor in Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
To a Nigerian diplomat in traditional Nigerian garb: "You look as if you're ready for bed."
On seeing a fuse box filled with wires, during a visit to an electronics company: "This looks like it was put in by an Indian."
To a chubby 13-year-old boy at a space exploration exhibit, pointing to a space capsule: "You'll have to lose weight if you want to go in that."
To read a bunch more, click here...
The Old Philosopher (Video)
When I was a kid, a long time ago, this guy was popular on the radio - this is funny and very nostalgic.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Joke - Golf Shot
Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. He hit a terrifically hard shot.
Unknown to him, his wife Jean was about to tee off from the red tees and was directly in front of him.
The ball hit Jean in the temple and killed her instantly.
A few days later Lloyd received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.
"Lloyd, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"
"Yes sir," Lloyd replied, "that's correct."
"Well, Lloyd, I also found a large bruise on Jean's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir," Lloyd said, "but it's kind of embarassing."
"I need to know everything before I can make a ruling," the coroner said. "And don't worry: believe me, I've heard everything."
"Well, OK," Lloyd said. "The bruise was from my mulligan."
Unknown to him, his wife Jean was about to tee off from the red tees and was directly in front of him.
The ball hit Jean in the temple and killed her instantly.
A few days later Lloyd received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.
"Lloyd, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"
"Yes sir," Lloyd replied, "that's correct."
"Well, Lloyd, I also found a large bruise on Jean's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir," Lloyd said, "but it's kind of embarassing."
"I need to know everything before I can make a ruling," the coroner said. "And don't worry: believe me, I've heard everything."
"Well, OK," Lloyd said. "The bruise was from my mulligan."
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Joke - How's That Pronounced?
A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn't get back home.
While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.
The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.
When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?"
"Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."
While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.
The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.
When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?"
"Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."
Animated GIF's
Really bad wrestling move...
Pushed down the stairs...
So THAT's how she feels about it...
Chicken joke...
Smackdown...
Pushed down the stairs...
So THAT's how she feels about it...
Chicken joke...
Smackdown...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Joke - The Bank Robber
A man robs a bank and takes several hostages.
He asks the first hostage, 'Did you see me rob the bank?'
The hostage answers 'Yes'.
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, 'No, but my wife did'.
He asks the first hostage, 'Did you see me rob the bank?'
The hostage answers 'Yes'.
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, 'No, but my wife did'.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Joke - Blonde Nightmare
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Celebrities Without Makeup (Link)
Check it out - some celebs look pretty good without the warpaint, others clearly aren't all they seem to be.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Joke - Human Life Span
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Senior Moments (Humor)
An elderly Floridian calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
•
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid . It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
•
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
•
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
•
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid . It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
•
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
•
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Loyalty And Love (Video)
Two guys bought a baby lion from the London Zoo and they raised it - until it was too large for them to care for. Then they took the lion to Africa and turned it loose. A year later they returned to Africa to see if they could track the lion - and eventually they found her. This is the video of the reunion.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Joke - Cab Ride
A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
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