Humor - Elvis, The Second Coming?

Jesus vs Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybil Shepherd.

Jesus is part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast.)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"Jesus countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an immaculate conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Video - Dance and Acrobatics

This video is a hoot. It features a dance/acrobatic team with a twist - he's 25 and she's 84. Amazing.

Humor - Management

The Brick Theory of Management

How to place new employees in the right jobs for them: Put 400 bricks in a closed room. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks , put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources .

If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing .

If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress .

Fun photos

Beauford realized that he'd pushed the binoculars too far into his eye sockets.

Sidney suspected that he wasn't going to get a lot of playing time on his water-polo team.

Judging by this boxer's condition, I'd guess that wasn't the only punch that had landed on his face this day.

"NO! You're not pulling that last damn tooth!"

Joke - Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, and Sharpton says, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Cartoons

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Video - Martial Arts

Here's a video of one vicious little 8-year-old martial artist...

Rednecks (red shirts?) can get lucky too. A great video from The Price Is Right.

Link - Ads Vs. Reality

Ever Check out those ads in the magazines or the newspapers for the fast food restasurants? Don't the ads make you hungry? Well, click here to visit a site that compares the images with the reality. It's worth the click - just don't forget to click your back button to finish reading my posts!

Joke: Pastoral Visit

While visiting the homes of his parishioners, a new pastor discovered that, at one house, although it was obvious someone was at home, no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a business card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday, he discovered that his card had been returned in the collection plate, with a note written below his: Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 begins:
Behold, I stand at the door and knock.

Genesis 3:10 reads:
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.

Cartoon Time

Humor - Survivor: School

Next Season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 - 32 students.

Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.

They must attend workshops, faculty meetings,and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and PSSA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.

The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.

Video - Need a Beer

Here's a funny little beer ad - adult themed.

Joke - Job Interview

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink, and Green.

"Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a support technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him

Photo Fun

Mohammed Ali was more taslented than any of us ever gave him credit for...

Tonsils? I don't need no stinkin' tonsils!

Bob knows you just love his new fashion statement!

Joke - God Will Provide

A young woman took her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study and began the usual grilling: "So, what are your plans?"

"I am a theology student," replied the young man.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will provide," explained the young man.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband how it had gone. "He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I am God."

Video - Monkey Suicide

This video features a monkey with a death wish - he teases two young tiger cubs.

Joke - Pig In the Church

The phone rang in the church office early one morning. "May I speak to the head hog at the trough?" a man asked.

"If you're referring to the preacher," the startled secretary replied, "then you may refer to him as Pastor or Brother, hut please don't call him the head hog at the trough!"

"Well," the fellow said, 'I was thinking of do­nating $100,000 to the building fund, but if you're not interested, I'll just…”

“Hang on," the secretary chirped, "I think the fat pig just walked in!"

Cartoon Time

(Click any image to view larger)

Jokes - 3 Dillies

Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?

A: Drool
--------------------

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a machine gun?

A: Eventually, a machine gun stops repeating.
--------------------

Q: How do you get a million dollars by playing the banjo?

A: Start with $2 million

Video - Little Brother's Revenge

A practical joke...

Joke - Starving

A man called his mother in Florida. "How are you doing, Mom?" he asked.

"Not too good," she replied. "I've been very weak."

"Why are you so weak?"

"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

"For heaven's sake, Mother" he exclaimed. "Why not?"

"Because," she explained, "I didn't want my mouth to be full when you called."

Fun photos

Jimmy had heard that he could get quite a buzz if he played with the wires at the top of the utility pole.

Jerry thought this might make for a good television show.

I can't do this - can you?

Ed had always dreamed of being a fashion model.

Joke - Caught Speeding

The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt.

"What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver.

"No, save it," replied the judge. "When you have three, you get a bicycle."

Video - Lion Hug

A lion gives a woman a hug and a kiss. Check it out - this one is really neat.

Joke - At the Pharmacy

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every four hours," the pharmacist warns.

To which the patient replies, "Don't worry. It takes me four hours to get the lid off."

Cartoon Time

Humor

Women's Bumper Stickers
PG-Rated

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

Video - Girls Fart Too

This young lady passes some gas, seeing no harm...



Girls Fart Too - Free videos are just a click away

Video - Sports Funnies

Some assorted funnies and stuff from sports...


Funny Sport Videos - The funniest videos clips are here

Humor - Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... that "Thou shall not covet" thing applies to huntin' dogs, too.

Fun Photos

Janna's mother had told her not to eat the cyclops ice cream, but Janna did what she wanted!

Nick wore these pants only in the hot weather.

Nothing like a beer on a hot day at the beach.

Zeb was practicing just what he had seen the night before in Mom and Dad's room

Clearly, Danny had not though his clever idea all the way through.

Humor - Vocabulary Additions

Some new words for your dictionary...

Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug .

Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Video - Fart Joke

A guy in the gym passes some gas.

Hosted on Flurl Video Search - Watch More Videos

Joke - Hotter Than Hades

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As usual, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy, why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"

The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa."

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss.

Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.

So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy, I turned the heat up -- why are you so happy?"

The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home."

So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself, "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.

He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing -- in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before. "Boy," says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"

The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must be in the Superbowl!"

Video - Accident and Miracle

You've got to see this truck-car accident to believe it!

Cartoon Time

Humor - Men Bashing

Spring Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Mar. 26, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6 : Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Video - Flat Dog

A biker carrying a heavy load falls on a poodle. Funny or tragic?


Biker Falls On Top Of Poodle - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Joke - Bad Accident

This woman, pregnant with twins, got into an accident, and had been in a coma for a long time. When she awoke, she was hysterical, asking about the welfare of her babies. The nurse assured her the babies were born just fine. The woman wanted to know where her babies were. The nurse informed the woman that her brother had taken them to raise.

The woman says, “Oh my god, my brother’s a total moron. Please tell me he didn’t name them.”

The nurse said, “I’m afraid he did.”

The woman says, “What did he name them?”

The nurse says, “Hmm, the girl, he named Denise.”

The woman thinks for a bit, and says, “Denise, that’s a nice name. What did he name the boy?”

The nurse said, “Denephew!”

Fun Photos

Japanese Beer - at least it's good for something!

For rational beings, most anything produced by Michael Jackson these days is pretty scary!

"Captain, I think we might have a wee too much weight aboard to take off."

Must be a little faster than she initially thought!