With Tiger Woods’ much-anticipated press conference set for Friday morning, thousands of the golf legend’s mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the proceedings on the stadium’s giant Jumbotron.
Traffic snarled for miles as the vehicles filled with cocktail waitresses, restaurant hostesses and Playboy models clogged the streets leading to the storied baseball venue.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tiger's mistresses gather for the press conference
Andy Borowitz often posts some funny stuff on his web site and in his emails.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Three silly doctor jokes
"Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can't pay that before the end of the month!"
"Okay, you have six months to live."
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"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."
"Tell him I can't see him now."
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"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Come now, pull yourself together."
"Okay, you have six months to live."
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"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."
"Tell him I can't see him now."
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"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Come now, pull yourself together."
Friday, February 12, 2010
Snow blower guy
Here in the shadow of Lake Ontario, a region well-known for its heavy winter snow falls, we're having a cold, but fairly mild winter in terms of snow. In an area where 200 inches of winer snowfall is not out of the question, I do believe we're well under 100" so far.
The big snow falls have been along the east coast - Wasington D.C., Philadelphia, New York. But we're used to it here and they're not.
Everyone that owns their own home has a snow-blower here (or just about.) Our counties have huge fleets of snowplows with the ability to spread sand or salt. Two feet of snow? If it falls early in the morning when the school busses are running, the kids might get a day off - we build 3 to 5 days into our calendars for snow days. Any other time of the day? We go on with our lives - plows are out and shovels are out - an hour or two after the storm, we're out shopping and going to work.
I saw the following clip on Boing Boing - which got it from the Washington Post and I laughed. It's new to them - normal for us. I usually plow 2 or 3 driveways after each snowfall.
The big snow falls have been along the east coast - Wasington D.C., Philadelphia, New York. But we're used to it here and they're not.
Everyone that owns their own home has a snow-blower here (or just about.) Our counties have huge fleets of snowplows with the ability to spread sand or salt. Two feet of snow? If it falls early in the morning when the school busses are running, the kids might get a day off - we build 3 to 5 days into our calendars for snow days. Any other time of the day? We go on with our lives - plows are out and shovels are out - an hour or two after the storm, we're out shopping and going to work.
I saw the following clip on Boing Boing - which got it from the Washington Post and I laughed. It's new to them - normal for us. I usually plow 2 or 3 driveways after each snowfall.
-He arrives in a cloud of hissing white flakes with an unmistakable whine, leaving a trail of clear pavement in his wake. He accepts no money for his work. He moves so fast and is so bundled up against the cold you might not recognize him -- or even catch his name.
In snow-weary cul-de-sacs and buried hamlets across the region, Snowblower Guy has been the man of the hour, working for days not only to clear his driveway but also to help neighbors. He has cleared sidewalks and even carved out routes in roads still untouched by municipal snowplows. After so many mild winters, Snowblower Guy is finally having his moment.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
At the doctor's office I overheard this conversation...
"I have terrible news, Mr. Larson. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
"Well, Doctor, at least I don't have cancer."
"Well, Doctor, at least I don't have cancer."
The stupids make the news
David Stanifer was at his parents' house in Brevard County, Fla., with two friends when they decided to let a pet rat loose in the garage. "We didn't want her running off too far, so we grabbed some twine and some jingle bells so she didn't get too far," Stanifer told WFTV News, explaining he didn't have any scissors to cut the string, so he tried burning through it with a lighted When the twine caught fire, the rat began running around the garage, setting small fires that got out of hand. Stanifer and friends tried but failed to put out the ensuing blaze before calling firefighters, who estimated the damage at $30,000.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
And nobody saw it coming?
Norwegian lawmaker Sarah Khaen announced she would not seek re-election to her seat in parliament after admitting she spent "a large part" of her office phone expenses in recent years on "conversations with psychics and fortune-tellers." In one quarter alone, her phone bill came to 48,000 kroner ($6,959), according to the newspaper Verdens Gang, which reported her calls became so frequent that many fortune-tellers told her to stop calling them.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Boudreaux and the Devil
Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell.
In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"
In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"
Monday, February 08, 2010
Sexy Super Bowl Ad from the [ast
The Super Bowl ads yesterday seemed pretty tame - and pretty unsexy. Here's one from 2009. (The spell-check tells me that there's no such word as "unsexy," but I like it so it stays in.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
He'll find it soon.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."?
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."?
Well said...
Our new urban dictionary defines liquidity as "the act of looking at your retirement funds and wetting your pants."
Just one reason I don't buy Apple products
An anonymous reader writes "FSF's John Sullivan launches the Defective by Design campaign and petition to rain on Steve's parade, barely minutes out of the starting gate. 'This is a huge step backward in the history of computing,' said FSF's Holmes Wilson, 'If the first personal computers required permission from the manufacturer for each new program or new feature, the history of computing would be as dismally totalitarian as the milieu in Apple's famous Super Bowl ad.' The iPad has DRM writ large: you can only install what Apple says you may, and 'computing' goes consumer mainstream — no more twiddling, just sit back, spend your money, and watch the show — while we allow you to." What is clear is that the rise of the App Store removes control of the computer from the user. It makes me wonder what the next generation of OS X will look like.
SOURCE
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Good News For Toyota Owners
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”
“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”
But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.
“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”
“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”
But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.
“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Getting "'technical."
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........'Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!"
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........'Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!"
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Monday, February 01, 2010
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